This is it, the day of fate! The time trial is here! We have 53K for Cadel to see if he can overcome Sastre’s one day on the mountain. According to my math – taking the first TT times and extrapolating them to a 53k distance, we have the following potential result at the end of the day:

 

1 Cadel Evans

2 Sastre @ :45

3 Menchov @ 1:18

4 Kohl @ 2:25

5 Schleck @ 3:06

6 VDV @ 3:25

7 Valverde @ 6:04

 

So let’s just fast forward to the end, shall we? Oh, I’m just kidding! We have to watch the stage because there’s rain in the forecast and we have the possibility of seeing Tour contenders slide on their asses all over France, and if we get really lucky, we get a replay of Razzy’s deliciously awful final TT display from a few years ago. Three crashes in one TT! A mark that may never be equaled. He didn’t end up tossing his bike away a la Bjarne Riis, but he did come very close. But neither of those bike hissy fits compared to David Millar’s bike toss at the Giro this year – a throw for the ages.

 

Would I feel sad if Cadel ended up in a ditch today? Well, maybe a little – oh who am I kidding? I would cackle like a pack of crackers in a campfire.

 

Flecha missed the time check yesterday, which is a very sad thought. First a Tour without Toto, and now a Tour without Flecha? I almost can’t bear it!

 

We are following Cancellara on the road, will he be too tired form working to get a good result today?

 

Millar is out on the road today. Will he soon become the second best TT-er on Slipstream today?

 

Here’s a Pate interview and he says there is a headwind today, the course is a rolling one which means that Sastre has already started losing time.

 

We are scanning today, and here’s Fabian’s finish, he was 1:03 faster than Millar at the time check. That might scoot David a little closer to an elbow-padded jacket in the team car. I hope JV puts in a good word at Douche Acres.

 

Here’s a VDV interview. He talks about the difference between the motivation of racing for 25^th and racing for the top ten. That sound you just heard was Christophe Moreau stifling a sob with his knuckles. VDV also says that the guys yelling in the car have little or no effect on his motivation – classic.

 

I’m just scanning through the lesser placed riders now – there’s Jens starting. He goes off the start platform and inadvertently cures the starter’s gout.

 

Jens still on the road, laying hands on his bars.

 

Here’s a Bouygues Telekom rider, reminding me why Tivo was invented.

 

Let’s fast forward until things get interesting.

 

Here’s Robbie Ventura going though Garmin’s laundry. He says Pate’s bib shorts are cooled and they smell like argyle heaven – he is quietly escorted away.

 

I fast forward until the Fabian post-game interview.

 

Schumacher out on the road, and he’s even with Fabian at 18k. Does anyone want to see Schumacher win all the TTs this year? I think even his mom is saying, “What the hell, Stefan?”

 

Andy Schleck starts his run. He looks about as familiar with his TT bike as Amy Winehouse is with non-court ordered sobriety. 

 

Jens finishes 7^th, sprays his water bottle contents on the road and hovers above it.

 

Here’s a profile of Cadel. He has the calm, easy interview style of Tom Cruise discussing Scientology.

 

Valverde starting, countdown to disappointment begins.

 

Cadel getting escorted to the line by Lance’s old bodyguard. Cadel’s still one ball down on Lance.

 

Andy Schleck’s arms are thinning than his bike’s seat stays.

 

VDV starting – go VDV!

 

Menchov about to start, he could win the stage today, he could finish 12^th, I have no idea. Menchov is an enigma. That means dull, right?

 

So that hump on VDV’s back is ice inside his skinsuit. So the lump should reduce in size as the stage progresses? An ice hump? How dirty does that sound?

 

Paul regrettably mentions that Menchov looks “hard.”

 

Sastre warming up, puking into mouth.

 

The sun is shining, no rain, any mishaps will have to be self-inflicted.

 

Oh Lord, Kohl just fell off the starting ramp! I’m smelling a Razzy here! He’s even in the dots! I can only hope.

 

We get a shot of Cadel panting his way through France.

 

Ridley reportedly spent over a million Euros developing Cadel’s TT bike – it costs that much to paint a Cervelo P3?

 

Kohl starts – I can’t wait to see what he does out there.

 

Schumacher is finishing. He beats Cancellara. Suddenly, Schumacher is a world class time trailer? When did this start?

 

CSC even went through the effort to paint Sastre’s helmet yellow in a burst of optimism.

 

Frank Schleck starts, I can practically hear the time leaking out of him already.

 

Sastre starting. He asks the starter if he’ll be back in time for Matlock, and he’s off!

 

Phil saying we will go to a live remote in the Garmin car – the car that VDV said he’ll most likely largely ignore.

 

VDV through the first check at 4^th best.

 

You can see VDV ignoring JV live.

 

Seeing the Schleck brothers in skinsuits, is like seeing peeled cats.

 

Menchov ahead of VDV at the first check. Here comes Cadel. He’s going fast on the downhill here, his collarbone trembling.

 

Phil mentions Cadel’s dicky behavior, as if it’s from the pressure of the Tour, rather than from the pressure of being a weenie.

 

Cadel 6^th at the first check, losing time to Menchov and VDV.

 

VDV doing well, wonder if he can win the stage?

 

Kohl comes through the first check faster than Cadel – and Kohl fell off the starting ramp!

 

Frank Schleck has already lost over a minute and a half! Did he go backwards over part of the course? Did he take a left turn into Belgium?

 

Sastre has lost only 8 seconds to Cadel at the first time check. It’s still early, but that’s a sign of hope. Behold the power of Matlock!

 

Valverde 30^th at the 36k time check, Pereiro throws his bedpan at the TV in the hospital.

 

VDV 3^rd at the 36k check. Go VDV! Ugh, if he hadn’t crashed, he’d be right in the mix today.

 

Menchov behind VDV at 36k. Stupid crash!

 

Kohl on the road, he seems to have calmed down since his starting ramp crash. Dammit!

 

At 36k, Kohl is matching Cadel.

 

An overhead view of Frank Schleck leaking time like on the road like a dog rubbing itself on the carpet.

 

VDV about to catch Valverde, Pereiro picks up bedpan, empties it into an airmail pouch and addresses it to Valverde.

 

At 36k, Frank Schleck is 53^rd, the Schelck brothers do know that they have time trials in the Tour, don’t they?

 

At 36k, Sastre has lost only 23 seconds to Cadel. Cadel only has 17k left to disappoint.

 

No pictures of VDV he’s like the Sasquatch of this year’s Tour.

 

They go to the Silence Lotto car, awkward silence and half-hearted encouragement.

 

VDV finishes in 4^th overall.

 

Sastre is riding out of his mind today, Bjarne promised he could meet Andy Griffith if he wins.

 

Menchov finishes and holds his GC position.

 

Cadel finishing, he probably won’t take yellow – as he’s never hit the lead during the entire f-ing race.

 

Sastre about to catch Frank Schleck

 

Kohl finishes and loses his GC spot to Cadel – Cadel rocks!

 

The commissar tells Frank to not bother drafting Sastre.

 

The only thing that can stop Sastre now is a sniper.

 

The moto cameras can’t get to Sastre because Frank is going so slow he’s even messing up the TV coverage.

 

Sastre takes it! That was an amazing ride! He rushes through the press scrum to get to his Lazy Boy in the CSC bus for some quality time with his favorite TV lawyer.