What
have you done for your taint lately? As cyclists and bike racers, we
put quite a bit of stress on our bodies, especially in the grundl–ular region. We sit on these (sometimes) ridiculous, uncomfortable saddles for hours on end, and our taints never get a break.

I’ve decided to do my part for society and search for crotch-related solace. It’s time for an episode of “Taint talk” with your favorite (slightly) overweight and mediocre cat 4, CJIA! In each episode of “TT“, I’ll vigorously review various products that were designed to make life a little easier on your Grundle. I care so much about all of you, my loyal readers (even the ones that drop anonymous hate, ‘cuz you guys are hilarious), that I’m willing to put my taint in harm’s way so that you don’t have to! What a guy.

Before i go into the first review, I think it’s important to list out the things i look for in a good chamois cream:

1: Viscosity- Good chamois cream has to be thick enough to stay there and not get absorbed. Nothing’s
worse than chamois cream that seemingly disappears after 30 minutes in
the saddle. While most chamois creams are water-based to a degree,
creams that have a higher percentage of water seem to disappear at a
faster rate. On the other hand, Creams that go heavy on Lipids (natural
plant/nut butters, oils, etc), seem to have better staying power.

2:
Tingle- I love the tingle. a tingly taint is like doing the luge naked-
it makes your crotch feel alive! bonus- the stuff in chamois cream that
makes your boom-boom area tingle (tea tree oil, peppermint/menthol) has
anti-fungal and anti-microbial properties that help prevent saddle sores and heal existing ones.

3: Friction reduction: Same reason you use a condom with lube- ‘nuff said…

4: Endurance: It’s gotta last- chamois cream’s no good if it goes away faster than Kobe Bryant’s Nutella Sponsorship after his little “incident.”

Our first product review is going to be deluxe. Ostroy
called me up and let me know that he had a present for me- so i rushed
over to his place. what ever could it be?? Bacon lollipops? a keg of Brooklyn summer ale? or was it an autographed centerfold cutout of JK?

Turns out Ostroy received the Entire Sportique Product Line and wanted to me to test it out. Score!

To
be honest, i was a bit intimidated by all the different tubes of cream
and bottles of oil. With most of their product line at my fingertips
(literally), I could rock a different cream/oil each day of the week
during my “one on one” visualization sessions (sponsored by redtube, of course…). You might call that ostentatious, but I call it a good time…

Sportique is a company out of Eastern
Europe that has created a line of skin and body care products designed
for physically active people. The fact that their products aren’t just
catered to cyclists makes them a bit more versatile and allows them to
attract a bigger audience. Their products are created using all-natural
products: no petroleum or synthetic ingredients. That’s a shout-out to
the granola-eating crowd. West coasters will love how natural this stuff is…

Century Riding Cream

The Sportique product that was the main focus of my attention was their “Century Riding Cream”- It’s their take on Chamois cream.

My
first impression was that it was a pretty well-packaged product. I
think stand-up tubes are a much, much better container than the Assos jug o’ buttspackle. Anyway,
an open mouth container allows for stuff to contaminate the chamois
cream before you even get to defile yourself with it. Just keep hoping
that that pube in the Assos jar is yours…

A quick glance of the ingredients list tells quite a bit about the product; contrary to Assos, you can actually pronounce half of the ingredients in this cream- some notables include Shea butter, olive oil, eucalyptus oil, wintergreen extract, rosemary oil, and Arnica extract. I would tell you what each of those do, but frankly I’m too lazy- go wikipedia it yourself. I’ll tell you this though- those are all ingredients that SHOULD be in a good chamois cream. especially Shea butter and Arnica. (as a side note, Arnica is great at preventing bruises, and alleviating soreness from impacts and physical exertion)

A
squeeze of the tube revealed a product that was pretty thick but quite
creamy out of the tube- when applied it leaves a sheen that reduces
friction a good bit. It feels refreshing going on, but it’s not super
super tingly. That’s too bad- in my book, the more tingle the better. I took this cream out for a few test rides- a couple of laps in the park, and one or two trips to Piermont. It worked pretty well- I didn’t
get any saddle sores, and my skin wasn’t irritated at all. It seemed to
last the entire ride, although I’m wondering how it will fare in rainy
conditions.

This cream was definitely good at reducing friction,
which is a big plus. However, the cream itself seems to visibly
“disappear” from your crotch once applied; it must be getting absorbed
by the chamois, as you can still feel its effects after a couple of
hours, even if you can’t see the actual cream. I think the big reason
this cream works so well is the heavy concentration of Shea butter- it’s the second ingredient in the cream, after water. It left my grundle gloriously moisturized, even after being pounded by the (not)great roads leading up the to Orchards.

My
only complaint would be that there isn’t enough tingle on this cream,
but that’s personal preference- i just like feeling like I’ve got a tube of wintergreen lifesavers in my crotch…

What’s also interesting about this cream is that it’s marketed as having other uses. The Century riding cream also has applications in reducing friction caused by tight clothes such as neoprene wetsuits and too much flesh between large people’s legs- something i may have to use it for if i ever get to eat bacon again…

At $19.95 for a 6 oz tube of the stuff, its cheaper by volume than Assos chamois cream, and not a bad deal. I would recommend that you give Sportique’s Century Riding Cream a shot if you’re a bit bored with your current chamois cream, or if you’re not a fan of the new Assos formula. My taint was pretty happy with it- which is why i now use it even when I’m wearing regular clothes!

As a side note, I also tried out the rest of the sportique line, and Really enjoyed the following products:

Moisturizing Body Balm

I’ve been using Sportique’s
Moisturizing Body balm on my legs after shaving, and it does a great
job of moisturizing the skin without clogging pores and leaving a
greasy feeling

Cooling Cream

Sportique‘s Cooling Cream is a Post-workout massage cream that’s packed with Shea
butter, peppermint oil, Camphor, Menthol, Eucalyptus, and Wintergreen
extract. a massage with this stuff after a hot day is fantastic- it
imparts a cool feeling on your legs for hours, and lessens fatigue and
soreness. Daddy like.

Skin Toner

The Skin Toner is a botanical-based astringent that cleans, removes excess oil, and leaves your skin refreshed. Frankly, I just use this on my bald, bald head. I highly recommend it to you other bald Bastards out there.

For more information on the entire Sportique line, head to http://www.sportique.net

Well,
That’s it for this edition of Taint Talk. Stay tuned for more Chamois
cream reviews in the future- there are some great new ones that I’ve been trying out. Until then, keep your enemies close, and your grundle closer!