The thing about Vegas casinos is – they stink. I’m not saying “stink” in the “they exist only to divide the gullible from their rent money” – which they do, incidentally. I mean they actually have a stench, or if I were writing this for a casino brochure (which will now never happen after any casino marketing manager reads that previous sentence), I would call it a “fragrance” – and if I were naming the fragrance I would call it “Desperation” – perhaps I should call Tara Reid’s people and see if she would like to attach her image to the product.
 
But I digress, casinos are areas where people sit for long periods of time and either move plastic chips around or push buttons or pull levers on loud, blinking machines that bear the likenesses of the “Top Gun” cast, it’s demanding work, so the only diversions available to these gambling automatons are drinking (being drunk while throwing around money is very, very savvy reasoning) and smoking. The casinos have an interest in not smelling like a noisy ashtray, so they furiously filter and scent the canned air in their flashing boxes of sin. They may also add oxygen to the mix to keep gamblers awake on their march to abject poverty, but I can neither confirm nor deny that fact. The one thing I know for sure is that there are always eye-stinging levels of artificial smell wafting through the big boxes of pathos. That’s just a ringing endorsement for a Vegas visit! I will now sit back and await my forthcoming knighthood from the Vegas tourism council – they can bestow knighthoods, no?

We stayed at the sad casino, where even the idealized customers are tacky, old, and pathetic.
 
Does that introduction make it sound like I was in a deliriously giddy mood at this year’s Interbike show? Here’s what I’ve come to learn in my three visits to Interbike. One – things do not change very quickly in the bike business. When a company comes out with an R&D design nugget, they tool up and ride it out until they’ve milked the last dollar out of it, and then they move onto the next challenge – preferably solving the age old conundrum of having to actually sit on a bicycle. I can’t blame companies for turning a profit on their hard work, but I can complain that it makes for very uncompelling trade shows. And we all know that complaining is what the internet was invented for, that and naughty pictures.
 
The second thing I’ve learned is that the bike industry does not change quickly. Actually that’s the same thing I learned in the previous paragraph, but you are not paying to read this, and therefore you’re not the boss of me. But another example of the slow change in the bike industry is that the layout of the Interbike show doesn’t really change either. The companies keep their same booth locations, and in many cases use the same set from year to year. It’s an interesting Darwinian exercise to see who moves their booths to better locations, and who retreats farther back in to the show. You can tell who’s trying to make a splash, and this year the Rock and Republic team had a booth way up front, right next to the food concession, in a spot where there was no spot last year – and they brought a Lamborghini and an Escalade. Not passing any judgments, just making an observation.
 
An the last thing I learned about Interbike is that if you rely on the free Clif Bar giveaways for about 75% of your caloric intake during your stay, you will ferment within yourself a cloud of poisonous gas – actually I didn’t learn that – I was informed of that by the rest of the VCN staff.

Gassin’ up – breakfast and lunch, two days in a row.
 
Here we are 600-ish words in and no talk of the wondrous technological advancements. If you want a complete technical run down, I would suggest reading what Andy has to say, as he was paying much more attention than I was. Let me retreat to the journalistic device of the scoundrel – the numbered list – to tell you what I found worthwhile at the show.
 
    1     The SRAM Red gruppo.  I might have played with these shifters for about 10 minutes, and there  was a line of people behind me waiting to try it also. They’ve added  a trim position (that sounds sooo dirty) for the front derailleur, and the  gruppo weights about as much as a bee’s sneeze. It’ll be about  three grand – so it isn’t cheap, but it seems ridiculously awesome.
 
    2     The Zipp Sub 9 Disc.  Andy must’ve talked to the Zipp guy for 30 minutes about wind angles  and turbulence and other things – it was awful. Here’s what I  found out – at a 15 degree angle (and I’m just parroting a fact there – I have no idea what that means, once again, ask Andy), the disc produces negative drag. Negative drag! It actually propels you along! And if you go fast enough you can actually go back in time, and if I were you I’d rethink that outfit you wore in your senior picture.
 
    3     Cervelo –  still awesome. Cervelo is still making really fast bikes, they added a couple frames with more relaxed angles for folks with the sciatica, I  guess.
 
    4     Storck frames. These  are ridiculously light frames from a German manufacturer – and if we  know anything about Germans it’s that they love technology and engineering – they used to love Hasselhoff, but that drunken youtube video was even too much for them. Apparently they found a way to suck the extra resin out  of the carbon fiber to make their frames really, really light. I might be revealing a trade secret here about the way they extract the resin, but let’s just say it involves leprechauns and bendable straws. The frames are also so expensive I only expect to see them underneath investment bankers. German leprechauns are unionized, after all.

THIN walled tubes. Fine leprechaun handiwork.
 
That’s it – four things. If I actually got paid to go to Vegas, I might be in big trouble for only finding four remarkable nuggets from the show. But beer is my editor-in-chief and he says to stand at four. I do have things from the show that bother me, let me now share them with you.
 
Frames that show the carbon fiber weave. OK, the frame is made of carbon, we believe you! Now can you just paint the stupid thing? Unless you’re Donald Trump, we do not care how your weave works. Paint your frames!
 
The “wrap around the head tube and down the down tube” decal phenomenon. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do it. These decals just go on and on, and I’m sure at one point this sort of sticky trickery was un-doable and therefore very desirable, but now it’s everywhere – and it’s ugly. It makes your frames look like they’ve been wrapped in an adhesive diaper! Paint your frames!

Mmmm, yellow frame diaper.

We talked to the Tour of America guy. Sure he has to raise $30 million, he really doesn’t know much about cycling, and he wants to have a 27 stage race of about 4,000 miles, but is that any reason to make fun of him? I suppose it is really, but I’m not going to pile on. I say huzzah, Mr. ToA! Get your money and race ready by next year if you can. The odds are against you, sure, but you’ve got moxie!

Oh yes, one last tidbit. We went to the Sinclair party – which apparently is the party to go to every year. We lasted for about 15 minutes – Andy didn’t even make it in because he was in sandals and shorts – because if Vegas is about anything – it’s about being classy. The party was like just about every big old NYC club you’ve ever been to: dark, overly noisy, filled with d-bags from every stripe of the idiot rainbow. Plus, I didn’t even get dry humped once the entire time! I suppose this paragraph will serve as my RSVP for next year’s party.