From the team email

Well everyone, it finally happened. After violations of our team code of conduct too numerous to detail here, I had to terminate Jeff’s tenure with our team. I hate to say it, but he really lacked any passion for team brand positioning. This lack of passion manifested in many ways and are too numerous to mention individually but I will give you one glaring example. Jeff was what I would describe as belligerently slow on his FaceBook like cycle, sometimes leaving team posts languishing un-liked for upwards of 4 hours at a time. In once instance, Jeff chose to like a photo of a co-worker’s baby before he reacted to a photo I posted of my dirty cassette after a training ride in the rain. If that’s not an electronic slap to the face of team cohesion, I don’t know what is.

In the meantime, I’m moving on. I did consider getting a restraining order, but then I realized that Jeff and I would inevitably cross paths in races, and in order for me to comply with a restraining order, I would need to break away from Jeff and the race itself, which would waste waste my valuable explosiveness and jeopardize the team’s goal in a sprint finish. Instead of an actual restraining order, I will implement a restraining order of my own and not acknowledge Jeff’s presence, I will expect all team members to do the same.

Now that Jeff is gone and there will be peace in our ranks. I feel this is a good time to refresh everyone on our team social media strategy. The full strategy is available on the team Google drive, but I’d like to go over some highlights here.

Photos

Photos, we need to take many of them, but I would caution team members from falling into the trap of taking pictures of each other hugging and mugging for the camera. This is lower category work. We are a serious cycling team, with goals and aspirations that are always in

More acceptable subject matter for the team photo feed is as follows:

Gritty post race pictures

Any race in the rain or cold is automatically more dramatic and therefore worthy of recording. Photos must be taken before any grit is washed away, but I would recommend that team members carefully wipe any dirt away from sponsor logos. AND DON’T SMILE—these pictures can be ruined with smiles. Smiles are for podiums exclusively—we are up to serious business when we race.

Weather

Sunny weather shots of people enjoying themselves are for stock photography and picture frame samples. If we are to get into the heads of our competition, we need pictures of skinny tire tracks in the snow, long shots of dirt roads that show handlebars and shots of booties covered in ice and mud. Shots like these show the world how dedicated we are. They show that we are out working while others are sitting at home talking to loved ones and developing bonds with their children that will last a lifetime.

Teammates

Shots of teammates are to be taken exclusively from the rear, as this posture shows that the team is out working together and will surely leave anyone behind, like a pack of 300-era Spartans in neon shorts. Shots of team members eating muffins or other baked goods are strictly prohibited! We are running a cycling team, not a Pinterest pastry page.

Again, these are only reminders, post away, but I will remind you that the team has approval on all social media posts. And remember to like any team posts you see, we don’t want anyone to “Jeff” this up.