Everyone sucks when they start road racing. It’s not because there is something wrong with them, it’s just really fucking hard. In my first race I got dropped after 400m. That wasn’t going to cut it when my dad had driven 4 hours to get me there. So I hid at the bottom of the circuit and hoped Dad wouldn’t notice my absence from the bunch. Then I read this guide and jumped right back in on the fifth lap. Follow these rules and you’ll avoid this humiliation.
1. GET FIT For once, the man was talking sense when he said it’s not about the bike. So do try and get a bit fitter than normal before the big day. But it’s not as big a deal as everyone makes out. You’re racing accountants and realtors. No-one is all that fit. Don’t keep putting it off because you’re not quite as fit as you’d like to be. No-one else is either.
2. THE TV HAS TAUGHT YOU NOTHING Sad to say, but those hours with Phil ‘n’ Paul were wasted. What were you expecting? That you’d ever do a race where it was relevant to know it’s a bad idea to attack on the penultimate climb because there is a head wind in the valley and Jens and Stuey will chew you right up? The stuff you actually need to know is so obvious to the pros that no-one ever mentions it.
3. PICK THE RIGHT RACE You don’t want to be like the girl who has ten years of boy issues because she lost her virginity in a nightclub toilet with a fat guy who’d just been sick. You want to be the girl who did it because ‘it felt right’ and ‘I knew he really loved me’. You’re looking for a closed circuit, no tight corners, a good surface, no hills (It’s ok champ, I know you’re the next Pantani but believe me you’re not ready for descending yet).
4. PICK THE RIGHT BIKE Don’t panic, you already own it. Your bike is fine. See Rule 1. If you’re looking for an excuse to buy a new bike, your first road race isn’t it. Sorry to break it to you hard, but Tiagra and Dura-Ace are basically the same anyway. Just be ready for an angry old man, still bitter that he got switched in the sprint for 4th in the 1956 divisional title race, to try and rip your stupid carbon handlebars clean off the bike as part of a "safety check". So make sure you’ve torqued things up a bit.
5. BE COOL Being cool is basically THE tactic. The guys who look good on the last lap are the ones who stayed cool. Like in life, success in road racing just comes easier if you’re a cool guy. The core road racing skill is just riding along and being cool. Sounds simple but it’s so so hard. Watch American Flyers. At the start of the first race, David is breaking Rule 5. That will be you in your first ten races (or your whole career if you’re Tom Danielson). What you are aiming for is looking up and ahead of you, tucked in the wheels, brakes not even at the party and surfing up the bunch every time some rube panics and drops the anchors. What will probably happen is that you overreact to every change of pace, skid about ten times (causing a wave of panic behind you), sprint out of every corner and then close a few gaps all by yourself. Closing a gap is about as hard as attacking, so let someone else do it. Ignore the loud mouth swearing at you. If he’s that good why’s he on your wheel? And why is he breaking Rule 5? Loser.
6. ATTACK Actually, Rule 6 is don’t attack. Attacking is a breach of Rule 5. Let the race come to you. If you’re the kind of guy who don’t want to go to no dance unless you can rub some titty, you’ll probably want to make a move. But if you blow your load early you’ll be a spent force when things get hot and heavy. There’s two schools of thought on how to attack. Your move will fail either way so the choice comes down to aesthetics. The first is to launch with a screamer of a sprint up one side of the bunch. This is a nice approach because you’ll play the movie of your attack back in your head for the rest of the week. On the downside, 45 seconds into your attack you’ll feel like your’re carrying a full set of camping gear, will be back in the pack quick smart and might need to apply rule 7. The second is patented by DZ Nuts and involves making your way to the front, accidentally getting a gap of 5 metres and then turning on the jets. This works great if you’re a bit fat with hairy legs: people will think you’re at the front because you’re an idiot and so it will be easier to get away. The risk is that you haven’t quite got the jets to make the gap any bigger. I once tried this move and my reward for a ten minute death or glory effort was everyone at the finish asking why I had done such a big turn on the front.
7. DROP OUT You’ll probably get dropped (especially if you broke Rule 6) and when you do it’s all over. It’s not the New York Marathon – no-one will know or care if you plough round the last ten miles on your own at 17mph. Best just to climb off, watch the finish, feel glad you missed the crash and try to hang on a bit longer next time. You didn’t get dropped because you’re not fast enough, you probably just broke Rule 5.
8. REFLECT Experts in making fat people thinner advocate reflective eating. Basically, it means stopping stuffing your hole with cake for long enough to enjoy the taste. Try and apply this during the race. At least for a bit try to stop panicking, enjoy the sound of the peloton and the feeling of effortlessly riding at 25 mph. You might never get round to another race, so suck it up while you can.
your attitude isnt cool and you suck the fat guy who got sick…thats why he got sick…he thought you would like it…
This is an awful blog post.
what the shit is this.
Now how am I ever going to retire to an island made of gold if this is the reception every new posting is going to get?
awful
i thought all the excitables were in hibernation
Feel free to contribute something more better.
Next on Bravo: Wannabe Experienced Eye of the Newly Minted Cat 4 Guy.
Do you think the complaints are because they recognize themselves? This stuff is true for the majority of us.
what the shit is this… lolz
rule no 1: break the rules
except for some other obvious stuff like learn how to ride in a tight pack before the first race, cornering, handling, etc. this guy hit it.
This is good advice on how to finish your first few races, not necesarily win them. Oh excuse me, I guess all the haters posting here had a top 3 finish the first time.
“You’re racing accountants and realtors. No-one is all that fit.” Rings pretty true to me.
This post is so immature and stupid.
…. and this guy’s probably smarter than you think.
Easily the worst advice I’ve ever heard. It’s like a “how to pretend to compete without trying”. So many things wrong. 1st of all – FINISH THE RACE!!! no matter what, go solo slow until you are pulled, you will feel much better about yourself Most importantly, stay where the people are!! It’s much easier in the group. You will be amazed at how much easier it is. They may start out faster than you think you can maintain, but it will usually become more manageable.
1. get fit. yes, do. no one is all that fit? bullshit, EVERYone is fit. there are coaches and power meters and training programs and that shit works. that’s why there’s no one lapping the field. ride a bunch and don’t just plow through every ride the way you would a distance run, but do some sustained efforts and do some sprints and jumps and stuff. when you are gasping for air after doing some sprints and jumps and stuff, do some more sprints and jumps and stuff. ride with friends, try to hurt each other from time to time.
2. the tv can teach you a shitload. watch it. watch dvd’s of old races. make yourself look like the pro’s do. it matters, and it helps. they don’t do what they do because it looks cool. it looks cool because they do it (with the exception of the bleach blond perms). descend like they do, sprint like they do, sit like they do. listen to phil and paul. we’re sick of hearing it because it’s the same thing all the time, but that’s because it’s mostly RIGHT, except when they are sucking off LA.
3. closed circuit races with no corners are some of the most dangerous ones. nothing like a field of newbies ripping around at 30mph with nothing except their own lack of pack skills to break things up. don’t avoid hills or corners. learn to climb and turn.
4. bike sorta matters. diminishing returns after maybe 2-3 grand. tiagra and dura ace are not on the same planet. get a decent carbon frame and ultegra or rival and some wheels that don’t suck, and you’re good to go. learn how to do at least minimal maintenance. don’t be the guy coming into the bike shop with $7000 of “it’s not shifting right.” there’s no safety check, so all the more reason to know a little about your machine.
5. be cool as in try to be relaxed, yes, but be uncool enough to ask questions of people who know more than you. they will actually help you, unless they are totally insecure, in which case you don’t want to hear what they have to say.
6. attack. don’t be a pussy. attack when it hurts already. if you’re marginally fit and you are riding in the pack, then when it hurts you is when it hurts everyone else, so hit them then. put your head down and give it 20-30 seconds, look back, and if you have a gap of more than 50 feet, put your head down again. if it’s just strung out, regroup and try again later.
7. ok, sorta. but if you get dropped because you took a psycho flier and were making an honest effort to win, then fuck it, you’re a bigger man than the guys who just finished. if you got dropped because it was too fast, repeat step one.
8. you will race again. reflect, get pissed off, channel it, ride more, hurt more, watch more, ask more, listen more. hurt more.
bikes and fitness both matter. you don’t need peak of either to go out, compete and have fun, but they matter, and yes, you are racing schmoes, who probably take it more seriously than you, if you enter with this attitude. this is really just a “how to show up”
much better put, but what i was trying to say. and you hit the big point i forgot to include. talk to racers!!! get advice! we like to share. and it’s the single most helpful thing. so it was of course nowhere to be found in this post.
no matter what finish the race….
that is the opposite of what you should think. what the shit good is it if you are pack fill and never put yourself out there just so you can get your finishing place
you suck if you think finishing is an accomplishment. go play little league and make sure every kid gets a trophy for just showing up on trophy day.
better yet keep on paying your entry fee so i can collect more prize money cause you aint ever gonna win any way.
this post is good and it shows how fucking stupid your readers are, when they bust on it
lets hear it for all the dip shits who will never get it!!!!
this post is what all of the power tap watchers fear the most, that all the watts in the world dont mean shit if you can not race.
Rule 1:
When in doubt, remain absolutely silent.
Rule 2:
When asked about your past give vague, open ended answers.
Rule 3:
Have a great name.
Rule 4:
Look fantastic in a suit
Looks fantastic in casual wear
Look fantastic in anything
Sound good
Smell good
Kiss good
Strut around with supreme confidence
Be uncannily successful at your job
Blow people away everytime you say anything
Take six hour lunches
Disappear for weeks at a time
Lie to everyone about everything
Drink and smoke constantly
…basically be Don Draper
Probably the most important advice missing here for the newby is too hang on for dear life with the surges and dismiss the voice in your head telling you to give in. The surge will settle and you’ll recover/still be in.
you have the reading comprehension skills of a one year old. finish the race does not mean “never try to win”. i can’t explain it to you, you are clearly an imbecile and I think you’re endorsement of this post speaks volumes. you don’t get a trophy for finishing, you give yourself incentive to come back, unlike getting dropped and quitting after 400m. (Not to mention, you are up at 530 in the fucking morning and have paid money)
Yep, I’m forwarding this every time a new racer asks me for advice. Spot on.
Learn from the old guys, have fun, get “fit”, try different races (crits, hills, circuits) and see what you like. Attack, sit in, and finish the race if you are dropped. If anything, finishing turns the race into a training ride. Also, as long as you have a somewhat light frame, working gears and ok wheels you are good to go until you decide whether you like racing in circles.
This was a good blog that probably rings true to everyone who posted – even the haters, who think they are too cool for school because they are mediocre Cat 2 or 3 racers in the CRCA – give me a break dude — now you know why everybody thinks cyclists are arrogant douches. Only gripe is “always finish, always”.
Slap Chop!
In my first race, a Cat 3 just said “don’t get dropped”. I held on for dear life and finished 3rd. I sucked as a racer but got through it. Fitness, intestinal fortitude, smarts and a little bit luck never hurt.
This post was excellent. When I read the first three comments I was surprised frankly at all the hate. It was funny, true and mostly good advice.
1. Learn to ride a bicycle – be absolutely able to ride the rollers (not trainers but proper rollers) with no hands; learn to ride close to other riders in training (2″ to 5″ separating handlebars when side by side); learn not to bounce around like a pinball when someone leans into you; learn how to react when your front wheel touches a back wheel at speed. Be sure to be able to do all of the above before entering a race.
2. Do attack, often and hard. The race is in front and that’s the only place you ever learn how things really work.
3. Do try and finish every race – unless you are gumming up the course and getting lapped or something like that. Quitting races fast becomes a habit.
4. Above all, race! Hurt, try and fail over and over again.
Man knows what he’s talking about.
most chauvinistic post in nyvelocity yet.
how is anyone defending this crap? “Pick the right bike: you already own it?” HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOU OWN!!! That is not advice. I understand the spirit of it, but there is zero substance here. I agree with the many commenters who are stressing talking to people, staying in the pack as long as you possibly can and finishing the race. (especially the person who said “it quickly becomes a habit”, very well put.)
there is no advice here! “use the bike you have, get dropped, quit, and be cool” do not constitute constructive advice.
I find that a beefy bottom bracket helps me in all matters of riding & racing.
This is called “tongue in cheek” people.
See, now THAT is a defense I am fine with. I just can’t deal with all of these “this is great advice” morons.
Rule # 9: Eat your meatlof. MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMY!
Oh you poor poor people….
Rule 1) If you don’t have a SENSE OF HUMOUR then don’t bother reading this. See also rule 5.
Don’t read the post through the eyes of someone who has been racing for many years and who already knows that they like to compete. For me it came after more than a year of commuting to work with my bike and then doing some group rides with NYCC. By then I knew that I would like to enter a race so I could measure myself against others and be competitive. But I was wondering if my bike would look the same as the others and if it was cool enough and I was nervous and did not know what to expect. For that reason I would say the advice is okay because the bike you own now and that you are using to ride to Piermont on weekends will be fine for your first race. It won’t be your last bike but it will be fine. If you have done the Piermont thing a number of times and you can keep up with the group you are riding with, you are probably fit enough to try your first race, so I get that one too. Don’t put it off forever cause you think you’re not fit enough and we’ve all rented bikes with tiagra on it and they shift just fine if well maintained so I agree with that too. You will change your components several times throughout the next few years but the ones you have now, if well maintained will do the job just fine. I get it. Maybe not the drop out of the race thing but for the most part, I get it.
Eustice: “learn not to bounce around like a pinball when someone leans into you”
Or better yet, don’t lean on people at all. Don’t touch them while racing. Its not necessary. Its a misconception that you’ll ever need to lean on someone, Robbie McEwen style. Instead, learn how to ride in a straight line and avoid getting squeezed. The next cat 4 who gets handsie with me in Prospect Park is getting frame pumped.
that pinball wizard had such a supple wrist.
don’t read the post through your eyes only. i literally saw someone riding a hybrid with a basket on it last year!!! They had to be told to lose the basket. yes, in most cases your bike is ok, but cat 5 races are often “citizen” races, and while anyone’s bike is ok to ride a few laps, maybe some basics should be addressed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UIHFzb7S5o
I got dropped in the first 10K of my first road race. I got dropped after 10 min of my first crit. Dont get dropped! But if you do . . . ride your ass off and keep training. If there is anything that I have learned from this sport it is that cycling will humble you (or it should) and the sport is synonomous (spelling?) with suffering. If you can’t handle being humbled or suffering, choose a different sport.
Thanks for the great post. The web, mags and the tely are often full of so much info about powermeters and vo2 max info. The reality is that there are thousands of folk that race a bike for the first time every year and have not a clue as to what they are doing. Lets not forget about educating and then supporting the next wave of cyclists.
I just like to read the comments. Is it ok to mount your iPhone to the bars so that I can read the comments while racing?
Advice = take up running, you’ll get a medal even if you’re last. plus it’s cheaper
Jan, the cycling girl, is hot. I wish I were her bike seat.. whats up with the gut in the pink tank top..
use a condom
The original post was excellent.
However, some of the comments here are typical of those who usually finish last. They have no CLASS.
I rode last week with 6 others, 1 who was wearing a local team jersey. They were all racers and better riders than me. The team guy didn’t say much. He didn’t have to ride with us and could have ridden much faster. He stayed with us and paced us and led by example. He has CLASS. We all watched him and learned from him. We came back to town in a clean pace line at 20+ mph because we were proud to ride with him and busted our asses so we wouldn’t get dropped. I learned more just watching and following him than all the stupid post I’ve ever read.
He has CLASS and I thanked him for the excellent 101 lesson.
I’d buy him a bourbon any day.
CLASS
Eating your food with a knife and fork.
Lead by example and not with your mouth.
And when you are sitting at the ‘spoon’ don’t play with your blackberry. Come say “hello” to those who aren’t wearing a club jersey. We know how to ride our bikes too.
Little do you know the local team guy just farted quietly in front of you rather than out loud like he otherwise would. Must’ve been feeling generous. Did you buy him coffee and offer to wipe off his tires before rolling out or something friendly-like?
Rule #9: practice, practice, practice. And use this to help you get better: http://www.bikeradar.com/news/article/honda-to-launch-bicycle-simulator-24117
the person who wrote this must do the saturday Cyclesport ride @ Park Ridge… lemmings on testosterone
re the comment about “never being touched while racing” and the subsequent pump threat…That comment was posted by someone who should stop racing immediately. Bouncing does happen, the peloton squeezes together, people go sideways, riders just come together sometimes and you need to know how to handle these situations without anger or panic. Channel your inner Don Draper.
Now, that said, out of control riders, ones who simply bounce around the peloton without any care for the others, ones who chop viscously in sprints, THEY need to be ejected by the peloton and made to understand that that sort of riding is simply not accepted. But no one in the States, even at the US pro level, seem to understand how to do this
all of the people supporting this post lacking in reading comprehension?? Yanis Cage – myself and other detractors are suggesting doing exactly that, talk to racers and learn from them. that is not suggested anywhere in this 101
“The stuff you actually need to know is so obvious to the pros that no-one ever mentions it.”
I absolutely love Schmalz’s TDF log. In the log and seemingly in unanimity in the comments section, everyone seemed to agree that they dumbed everything down, and explained the basics too much.
why would you race with a frame pump?
Because I do everything like the Italians.
It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno!
“I know I-tey food when I hear it! It’s all them “eenie” foods… zucchini… and linguini… and fettuccine. I want some American food, dammit! I want French fries!”
vomiting is good, especially if you won. if you lost and still puked, it’s kind of bad form.
Steven McG is wrong when he says “drop out.” Dropping out, because you got dropped, is usually a sleazy way to behave. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of sleaze on the race course.
“there’s a lot of sleaze on the race course”
More, please. I think you’re on to something. Like, I remember being in a break at Floyd, and talking to one guy in front, and he said he was the cable guy, and he needed to come inside and check the receiver, and then it turned out HE TOTALLY WASN’T THE CABLE GUY and BOW CHICKA BOW
I see nothing wrong with this. When i first started riding i read all kind of books and magazines bought a $3500 bike. I did all that and guess what i got dropped in my firdst crit, did my first 40K in 1:10, got dropped in first raod race and many others. I started asking the local team riders questions and guess what they were all nice enough to help me. it helped me more than any of those fucking books or dvds. I stopped reading all that shit and worrying about upgrading from ultegra to dura ace and just rode. Guess what i won the last two races i rode in and cated up to a 4. The only thing i do disagrre with is the quitting part. “A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.” Nixon.
Pretty good advice overall. Why all the strong negativity? Seriously. Seems one of McG’s main points is that very few start with all that much fitness, finesse, bike handling skill or a top-end racing bike. So go ahead, get fit, but jump in and learn by doing. And don’t sweat it too much at first.
I like McG’s relax into it attitude. The race will provide a lot of pump on its own. His sense of being cool, it seems is about accepting that the race will have its own dynamic. And if you don’t have the fitness yet and get dropped, go watch the finish and see if you can learn anything there. But most importantly – don’t beat up on yourself too much. Yes, you got dropped (most every racer has) and yes, you will live to race again – but at the same time just rolling in is not an accomplishment on its own. A nicer way to say what many here have pointed out.
The “bend” into it school of getting into winning moves is right on. The truth is that unless you have about 9 other really strong guys with you, no one is going to singularly control the race. So we react, and those who react with the right amount of effort, at the right moments in the race will be in winning moves.
Takes a lot of patience, finesse and measured effort to get to check-mate in the rolling chess game that is bike racing. No one gets there every time, but with some patience, practice and training, you can get there more than most.
Anyway, nice post. Hope to see more from McG.
1. stay out of trouble. you will see it and sense it. that guy who gets the wobbles, can’t ride in a group, the guy who’s mouthing off in the pack, the erratic guy who can’t keep his bike safe. I’ve seen too many people wearing road because of someone else in a race who didn’t know what they were doing and weren’t riding safe. ride safe, get out of the way of bad riders.
2. don’t be selfish. picture the scene. you’re shoulder to shoulder with 60 guys at about 25-30mph for 65 miles. people who don’t do any work, people who don’t let another guy in, people who cut you up on a corner for no gain or benefit, people who don’t point out the obstacles. racing is hard enough as it is – be nice.
3. be fit enough for the finish. the vast majority of races are decided in the last 200 yards. all you have to do is be fit enough and smart enough to get there without having wasted energy. at this point, you’ve made it.
4. put your head down and go. when you get to that last 200 yards, let the red mist come down, put your head down and arse up and give it everything, squeeze every last bit out and go go go. you might win, you might not. but when you cross that line in a sprint going 35/ 40 miles an hour, you just try not to smile – it’s impossible.
5. enjoy the shared experience of effort expended. the best thing about bike racing is the people. generally humble, dedicated and fun loving people who have the measure of themselves. talk to people. make a friend. enjoy the fact that you have most of your faculties and be thankful you can do this. most people don’t. many just can’t.