I will admit it, I’ve been neglecting Brian’s training for a few weeks. I do this because I have been busy, and if I am to be honest—I am uninterested in the running and marathons that he does. Brian does about 4-6 marathons a year from what I can surmise. Most people, when they do a marathon (I’m only guessing here, because, as I mentioned above, I am uninterested in marathons and running), they finish, get the t-shirt with the corporate logo "bingo card" on the back, and pay to have their finish-line photo printed so they can hang that picture on the wall of their office and prove to the everyone that enters that they are a better person than anyone who enters their office. It’s a tried and true pattern.

But not for Brian, he just keeps on doing marathon after marathon, piling up finishes as if he were a logo covered t-shirt hoarder. I imagine his co-workers must really be getting tired of this, and as his bike coach, my reaction to all this marathoning runs the gamut from hostility to ambivalence. I am waiting for all of this running silliness to end, so we can embark upon the real bike training, and as such, there’s been very little to report as far as training goes.

The exchanges below constitute the entirety of two weeks worth of coaching disdain.

November 16

Gatens I actually rode a bicycle today. For a whole hour!! Put that in the Schmalz-puter.

schmalz Wow, we’re still doing this. Um, did this riding occur indoors?

Gatens I don’t if we’re doing this or not but I figured I’d send you my bored banter from the bike. Short of a court order I have no issue sending you my musings.

This occurred indoors…

schmalz When’s the November marathon again?

Gatens This Sunday…The news that I’ve barely run a step in training since my last marathon will please you.

schmalz I appreciate the fact that you give the same amount of thought towards running 26 miles as I put towards coaching you to not run 26 miles.

Gatens That’s why we’re a good match. Positively Seinfeldian—a man who knows nothing coaching a man who wouldn’t listen anyway. We could be our own sitcom. Two kooky bike racers making their way in the wilds of suburbia.

Wait until I start winning races next season. We’ll set the NYC bike racing scene even further on fire.

We’ll sell blank white t-shirts advertising your skills.

schmalz I like to allow my athletes discover their own paths, preferably with little or no work on my part.

Gatens Will I eventually be capturing flies with chopsticks?

schlego™ duration 1:00

November 17

Gatens Take the Rapha Turkey Takeoff Challenge & burn 9000 calories Nov 23-27. Complete the task & earn a custom Rapha badge.

schmalz Shouldn’t that Rapha badge cost at least $400?

Gatens I let you know when I win it.

schmalz I look forward to seeing the imaginary ascot you place your pixel badge on. According to the rules they are assuming 36 calories per mile, so you have to ride 250 miles over 5 days.

Since you are you, I assume you will do all of those miles at once. Probably while hauling a load of firewood.

Gatens I’m treating this Sunday’s Philly Marathon as an opportunity to soften my legs up for the experience.

schmalz There really is no helping you. I want my money back.

Gatens I’ve been a little derelict in my nutritional input lately. I got on the scale this morning and it slapped me. Time to ride a lot.

schlego™ duration 0:00

November 20

Gatens Bourdain hates you too http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/20/arts/television/anthony-bourdains-layover-on-travel-channel.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto

schmalz Nice try, you’re not going to trick me into reading about Bourdain.

Gatens 4:08 marathon today. I’m all primed for this week ‘s 9000 calorie challenge.

schmalz Oh dear, I’ve forgotten all my running math already. I will be so glad when this marathon stuff is over. Didn’t you ride your bike Saturday?

Gatens Skipped the Saturday ride? I do have the Rapha turkey challenge to consider.  

schmalz Completing the Rapha Challenge is a good way to display to the world that your life lacks any meaningful relationships.

Gatens I figured that these exchanges already confirmed that to the world.

schlego™ duration 10:49
schlego™ week duration 11:49