Hate Disclaimer

@##=#<9,R>@##=#Craft Base Layer

OK, this is basically what I would’ve referred to in my younger days as “long underwear”. Long underwear technology has come a long way from the white quasi-thermal long johns of my Iowa youth. Granted those long johns were usually paired with a playground mojo-killing scarf, so they may have suffered guilt by association; but I cannot conjure any memories of unworldly warmth from those undergarments.

So, long-winded Huckleberry-Schmalz analogies aside, what we have now is a drastic improvement in long underwear technology. Craft Scandinavia has delivered what I consider to be the best long johns I have ever worn. I have tried other base layers in recent years and I now no longer have any need for them. They are gone from my winter wardrobe. The blue partially-plastic abominations (With permanent body odor scent. Order yours today!) I wore before have been banished to the land of misfit base layers. And while I’m thinking about it, why the perma-stank on some base layers? I’m not by nature a stinky person (really, no fooling), but any base layers I’ve had before have a built-in aroma of my musk after one wearing. Just thought I’d put that one out there for you folks…

I have been delivered from the ignominy of stank-clothes by the base layers of Craft. I now own a long sleeve top, a hat, and glove liners from these crafty (yes, that’s a pun, duh!) Scandinavians. I have covered in Craft all that I need to protect from the cold, if they offered a cod piece with a chamois insert; I would have that, too.

Time for hate…
Do you think I enjoy being the winter weather minion of these fair-haired overlords? Not in the least, this calls for a quote from the illustrious songstress, Joan Jett, “I hate myself for loving you.”

Where does this leave us?
Feel free to order yourself some black Scandinavian underwear. That sentence sound racy – but the reality isn’t, really.

@##=#<7,R>@##=#Socks

Socks technology has increased by leaps and bounds in the last five years or so. I don’t know whether it is Defeet or that Sock Guy that bears the responsibility, but either way, socks have now become a technical item. Whether this is redundant and superfluous is another matter entirely. I think I think that better socks are a good thing, as I’m old enough to remember the “pre-technical” socks. The socks in the good old days usually wore out after one season and the elastic would loosen after a couple of months, leaving you with that nifty grandmotherly loose hosiery look. Personally, I’m into this look, but you may not be – different strokes…

@##=#<8,L>@##=#These new generation socks are a significant upgrade. They wear very well. I have had a pair of Defeet socks for about 5 years now, and they are only now starting to show signs that they should be retired. I will now make an exciting, exclusive announcement – ladies and gentlemen, come back here for the auction of these special “game-worn” schmalz hosiery. Hey, these items I review aren’t going to buy themselves…

Time for hate…
Advances in sock loom technology have put us on slippery slope aesthetically. Just because you can put an alien head or chili peppers on sock, doesn’t mean you should go ahead and do it. Putting these fashion choices in the hands of cyclists is very dangerous. Remember, it wasn’t long ago when the day-glo craze set the cycling world afire. We must do everything we can to avoid a repeat of this sort of madness.

Where does this leave us?
Buy socks but don’t buy ugly socks, let your heart be your guide.

@##=#<6,R>@##=#Fizik Arione

First things first, c’mon – Fizik? How am I supposed to pronounce that? Like physique? Like physics without the “s”? This is just another chapter in the “What are they calling themselves?” book of cycling names. The names are getting ridiculous – maybe there are no good names left, and we are just left with marketing-speak made up names that don’t really mean anything. Kinda like Haagen Daz, did you know that Haagen Daz originates from New Jersey, and that the name doesn’t mean anything? Yes, the name is made up. And because it sounds foreign, that means you can charge more for foreign sounding ice cream than you can for ice cream originating from Piscataway. It’s an undeniable marketing fact – it’s the first lesson taught in every Learning Annex marketing class!

Well enough marketing ranting you say, what about the saddle? I think it’s good, but I’m only guessing. Here’s a secret that we riders keep – we have no idea how good our saddles are. I have nothing to compare the fit of my saddle against because I not going to go out and drop another $140 or so to have a side by side “taste test” so to speak. So I choose a saddle by reputation, reviews, innuendo, and of course mostly color.

So here’s my free sales gimmick/promotion for the bicycle retailing industry. Why can’t each shop put together a collection of saddles for cyclists to try out for a day or two? I would call these collections “ass libraries”, but that’s just me. But think about it, you try out a saddle on a long ride, see if you like it and then you buy it. The shop would swipe your credit card as a deposit and charge you if you don’t bring the saddle, so everybody’s covered. The shop wins because they get more people through the door; the cyclists win because they don’t drop $200 on a saddle that grinds their organs to dust and they end up having to sell on ebay for cents on the dollar. Shops can feel free to send their royalty “ass library” checks directly to me; my last name is spelled s-c-h-m-a-l-z.

Time for hate…
Hello? Have you read the above paragraphs? It’s all hate this week!

Where does this leave us?
The saddle is blue and silver, matches my bike, and doesn’t seem to make my nether region burst into flames. Until they open the ass library, that’s all I ask for.

@##=#<5,L>@##=#CycleOps Power Tap Pro

Why should any effort on a bicycle go unnoticed or unrecorded? Last year in a fit of winter doldrums and misguided optimism, I purchased a Power Tap Pro wattage meter. My thinking was that I would be able to happily monitor my progress and fine tune my fitness on my way to a dominating season at the mighty category three level of racing; what actually happened is that I spent over a grand to buy my way into a quasi-compulsive cult of kilo joule collectors.

The reasoning is as follows: with a wattage meter you are able to see your power output as you ride; the meter records the data; and it plops the information onto your computer with the proper hook up. Power is independent of speed, heart rate, incline, or petty moods – power doesn’t lie – power is the harshest of mistresses. So harsh that I find myself obsessing on my wattage numbers as I pedal, trying to wring out the littlest improvement or to maintain the level of wattage I have prescribed for the workout of the day. I have drunk the Kool Aid; I am in the cult.

Time for hate…
Do prisoners love their wardens? Of course not. And when those wardens have a propensity to deprive them of their precious data for even the littlest amount of time, the prisoners get very testy. What the hell am I talking about, you ask? The circus wires that connect the CPU cradle and the rest of the receivers seem to have been made of flimsiest sort of material – perhaps they’ve used gibbon hair monofilament – I have no idea.

How CycleOps can harness such technology and gamble it all on a wiring set so hoary just boggles the imagination. If you haven’t replaced your receiver unit yet – wait – you will. The bonus is that you get to have a nice conversation with a customer service rep from the People’s Republic of Wisconsin. They will send you another unit right away. Does that tell you something about the cost on the receiving unit?

Where does this leave us?
Think you were obsessed before? Get yourself one of these little bastards. Come to the light, all are welcome…

@##=#<3,L>@##=#Specialized Chicane Glasses

I buy a lot of stuff online, because I work at home and have two kids and I’m a quasi shut-in. So, after much research and hand wringing, I purchased the Specialized Chicane Sunglasses. Specialized would like to have you call them “optics” but I refuse – they’re sunglasses, ok? But you get to charge much more when they’re called “optics” – $140.00 to be exact.

So, the gimmick/reason for buying these things is that they have lenses that change their tint according to light conditions so you don’t have to have a dozen sets of lenses. In marketing speak these lenses are called “Adaptalite”, and of course they also are unbreakable and perfectly color balanced and will summon woodland creatures to your side as you ride and the creatures will fetch you snacks. How can you argue with those specs?

@##=#<1,r>@##=#Well, the lenses work. I did a field test where I walked into a dark closet in my house and I could still see, so that’s good enough for me. I also have worn the glasses in the sun and I don’t have to squint. So, after this vigorous testing regime, I can say that the lenses will not render you blind in either situation. I would be a little more happy if the tint change were really visible and did cool things like turn into mirrored lenses a la Ponch on CHIPS, but that may be asking too much of the technology.

Time for the hate…
What is it with the incredible size of “optics” these days? I had the option of going for smaller frames, but chose not to because I figured I had enough face to pull the larger frames. Well, I’m on the edge of looking like one of those “terminator grannies” – the ones with the sunglass-thingies that fit over their prescription frames, making them look like these bug eyed aliens.

I find myself adjusting the frames all the time partly due to the granny thing, and partly because the large ass frames touch my cheek bones and makes me feel like the frames are off kilter, and I cannot stand the idea that my sunglasses may be on crooked. I have to look cool in my $140 optics, I must look cool or I’ll look like a complete idiot for wearing $140 optics. I cannot emphasize this enough.

@##=#<2,L>@##=#Where does this leave us?
How the hell should I know? If you’ve already bought everything else or are sick of changing your lenses all the time, go ahead and buy these “optics”. I won’t stop you.