We are watching you Mr. Fanny Pack and Ms. Pink Leg Warmers.*

In an attempt to further alienate the recreational cyclists, NYVC takes you where Pez and Bicycling wouldn’t dare go: right to the street. We are going to harangue badly kitted cyclists for their billowing muscle shirts and bib shorts worn on the outside. Of course, as with any fair and balanced media outlet, we will also (begrudgingly) hand out an occasional compliment.

*Disclaimer: All judgments that appear here are not the opinions of the NYVelocity staff. They’re incontrovertible facts. If you resent our appointing ourselves as the arbiters of velo-couture, start your own damn website.

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Do Robbie McE’s Australian champ’s jersey and clean white Sidi’s — a classic look that makes even a titanium Seven (so 90’s) forgivable.

@##=#<4,C>@##=# Do How do those Polish guys always look so damn suave on their bikes?

@##=#<13,L>@##=# Don’t If you ride a 3K bike, you can spring for a jersey too. Leave the nightshirt at home.

@##=#<22,L>@##=# Do Looking good for about $50 at Daffy’s. You can tell she doesn’t spend all of her waking hours thinking about cycling, and she still gets it just right. I bet all her roommates hate her for being perfect.

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Don’t Unless she is a hardcore cyclist, a cool bike and smart ensemble probably will not impress most ladies. We are essentially talking about a man in tights, after all. But c’mon chief — could you at least take the little bag off the handlebars? Don’t make us bring up the 40 year old Virgin .

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Don’t Some of these really don’t need captions, do they?

@##=#<7,C>@##=# Don’t Cycling jerseys come with rear pockets for one very good reason: so you don’t have to wear a fanny pack and end up as a cautionary photo on NYVC.

@##=#<17,L>@##=# Don’t We couldn’t find that guy who wears his bibs over his jersey, so this guy will have to do for now. But Bibby, we’re saving a spot for you. We’d really appreciate it if you just turned yourself in now.

@##=#<2,L>@##=# Don’t For this guy, tucking in would be an improvement. Low-waist pants are better left to young girls and plumbers.

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Do Chick magnet and you don’t even have to pedal. Win-win.

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Don’t “First I got Rollerblades, then a Razor scooter, but now I’m sporting the vintage fix, a lot of ink, and an insouciant blue bandana.”

@##=#<24,L>@##=# Don’t What is it with guys who buy mountain bikes and then put road wheels on them after they realize that there isn’t a foot of single track in the city?

@##=#<11,C>@##=# Don’t Recumbent bicycles offer some interesting advantages: superior aerodynamics, lower center of gravity . . . But we don’t care; you look like a total dweeb.

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Don’t Even with the inherent dorkiness built in to this class of bikes, this dude really went out of his way. This is like riding a mobile home on clinchers.

With sandals, of course.

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Do …but don’t even try; you couldn’t pull it off. Here is a recumbent we can finally get behind. This dude knows it’s all about style, when is the last time a guy on a recumbent passed you for more than a few secs before the next hill anyway? We say, relax. If you are going to wave your freak flag, wave it high. When you are a cycling fashion critic and this guy rolls by, you can pretty much call it a day.

@##=#<25,L>@##=# Don’t “What’s that? A sale at Sharper Image? I’m there!” If you see this guy, smack him.

@##=#<12,L>@##=# Don’t Cycling gear is tight enough for most men, but a few have to take that extra step to ensure we can see every ripple clearly. Otherwise why skip all those meals for creatine shakes? This is the same guy who uses the machines at the gym before you with no shirt. Best to crash him before he makes it there.

@##=#<28,C>@##=# Do We dig the matching Voler kit and the Oscar Freire World Champ’s C-40. And there’s no need for a helmet when your hair will break any fall.

@##=#<27,L>@##=# Don’t The Tom Boonen/ Jonas Carney faux-hawk is now officially over, spread the word.

So we’ve done the math, and we figure that for every cyclist whose spirit we have crushed here, we’ll get 10 new fans for the site. So stop snickering – we have our eye on you, and we’d be more than happy to trade you in for those 10 readers next time.