It’s been quite a while since I’ve fulfilled the contract with the voices in my head to type at least something about every race I take part in, but I have a legitimate excuse. I have been busy playing bike event promoter for the last few weeks and it’s a very taxing experience, but I will get to that later, firstly, I will tell you how the bike races went.

August 8, 2005 CRCA A race

This is a race that man-wolf Chris S from Blue Ribbon treated like man-wolf naturally treats a fire hydrant. Chris flatted twice, got wheels from teammates and caught back on to the race both times (so very pro, Blue Ribbon), then, probably due to his anger at the flimsy, flimsy tires that his team uses—he went on to win the race. In all my years of watching other people win races in Central Park, I have never witnessed anything like that, so kudos to Chris S for making me feel like neophyte again.

August 30 CRCA A race

As I mentioned above, there’s quite a gap between races in my write up this week, as I have been busy working so that others may ride bikes through the hinterlands of Eastern Iowa. A noble and magnanimous endeavor in the service of others that elevates me to the level of “Bike Jesus”, and as “BJ”, I have some wisdom about making bike stuff happen that I can share.

A long aside about being BJ

There is glory in suffering.

(As an explanation, I put on an event called the Dubuque Gran Fondo, which takes place in my hometown of Dubuque, Iowa on a course that has been described to me as “You’re an a$$hole.”)

For the casual cyclist, there are plenty of opportunities to ride in events that promise scenery and a slightly challenging profile. I opted to create a course that was akin to a drunken bar bet. After an initial meeting with police that kiboshed a route that would’ve seen me assassinated shortly after the finish, I settled on a route that would only end in a light beating. The terrain around Dubuque creates bluffs and “bowls” that undulate throughout the town, there’s a flat section towards the Mississippi River, but I avoided that, because no one remembers flat sections. Instead I included two city climbs that fall into the range of “straight up”. The first timed section fell on mile 1.2 because I’m a jerk and that’s the only way we could time a climb within the city limits. The other city climb ascended a bluff that inspired not one, but two vertical railways. Let me rephrase that, in the days of yore, in order to not murder their horses through effort on a daily basis, Dubuquers could take their pick of riding one of two uphill railroads in order to make it up the hill (olde tyme people hated walking). And that’s the hill I picked for my ride. Strava claims it maxes out at around 30% for a brief section, but that could be a miscalculation. There are many section of 20% and above on the very brief .2 mile climb.

After that the ride just goes through an endless jaunt filled with short 10-15% hills on asphalt and gravel deep enough to swallow small dogs. And this is good, because no one tells stories about the time they rode that “really easy event that went through nowhere and went over nothing”.

Blessed are the poor, because obviously, they are bike event promoters.

If you are to do an event correctly (legally), you must pay: the police for each jurisdiction through which your event passes (my jurisdiction count was three), insurance, timing costs, permit fees and signage costs—never discount the signage costs, it’s expensive, but people really hate getting lost. These fees add up quickly, and I will say here that the money I paid the police was very well spent—they have been nothing short of incredible. They helped with the routing of the event and I have nothing but good things to say about the police that I’ve worked with. For real. The other costs are just the price of doing things. Bike events are expensive, and so far the event has only cost me maybe a few sets of nice wheels. Yes, I am paying for people to ride their bikes and enjoy themselves, because…

Many are called, few will answer.

In the course of my career as an internet bike person, in addition to making nothing whatsoever for my typing about bikes, I have developed a circle of contacts and a level of knowledge about bike events. And because I am obviously mentally ill, I therefore took it upon myself to utilize those contacts and that knowledge to put on a cycling event—because if I don’t do it—who will? Bike events aren’t just going to appear out of thin air, it takes delusional people and volunteers talked into ruining their Saturdays by delusional people to make fun things happen. Otherwise, events won’t happen. It takes a special type of person to be a BJ, and they should be cherished, because it is their sacrifice that allows you to sprint desperately for that 22nd place in the local training race. In closing I will leave you with a quote from the gospel of Saint Ian MacKaye that sums up my feelings about being a BJ, “At least I’m f*cking trying, what the f*ck have you done?”

Also, Karl R from Weather Channel won the CRCA race from a break. Well done, Karl.