I know you’ve all noticed that the Tour Day Schmalz hasn’t been around since the
preview – it was a real shame to lose Dan when he crashed out during the first post-
race meal, but the team has sworn off pork (in addition to firing our chef) as a result
and morale is high coming out of the second rest day. We’re looking for some good
breakaways in the Pyrenees since, let’s face it: the GC battle is over.

I mean, this is the best I figure from watching the coverage on mute (Phil, Paul: you guys
are great and all, but let’s go ahead and admit that you’re bad at this now – or, at least
stop making up nicknames, k?). When Neebz pretty much rides away from everyone all
day every day, you kind of lose interest in the GC. Shoot, even the green jersey contest is
wrapped up.

So, does that mean, for the first time in the (slightly) more than100-year history of the
tour, it’s time to care about Polka Dots?

Not really. You have to pretty much watch all of every mountain stage – and judging by
how many times Purito has ridden the last climb at endurance pace, he’s not even that
interested in the whole stage. Plus, there’s always the box scores, which are about as
exciting.

So, that leaves us with two options: the kiddy pool and the carte rouge. (Well, you could
root for the Americans – that ‘Support our Dudes’ MFS shirt was WORTH IT! – but
after Ted King and then Talansky, my heart is too broken. Maybe I’d feel different if I’d
bought the limited edition Teejay shoes, but my guess is I’d just end up feigning a lot of
enthusiasm and hope while I bottle up my sadness and disappointment.)

If you stopped watching the tour once Froomadore got in the back of the team car, the
white jersey is for you: it has all the drama of a GC battle, just for third place. This is
especially true as we enter the Pyrenees, everyone sucks Movistar’s wheels until Neebz
shatters the field, and Pinto and Bardy start their battle in the 3rd
imagine their first and it’ll get fun). Not only do these two represent the next French
hope (wasn’t that supposed to be Rolland?), but their teams are even supporting them,
too! Clearly something they forgot to learn from the Europcar playbook.

If you’re like me, though, and neither watch the tour with a calculator (I prefer an abacus)
nor have a long enough memory to know the time distance between rivals, then this Tour
is all about stage wins and breakaways – the kingdom of the combative rider.

I don’t have to sell you on this: it’s easy (just watch the last 20km), full of drama (I was
halfway done getting a tattoo of New Zealand when Bauer got caught on stage 15), and
exciting (well, if checking out what the riders keep under their jerseys does it for you).

So, that’s what I’ll be doing until the peloton catches up (or pork taco night goes wrong
again): watching for the next day’s break and throwing out my picks for most combative
rider. Of course, this is probably a bad idea, since I have about as much knowledge,
foresight, and critical thinking skills as ol’ short pants Tommy has the ability to keep his
tongue out of sight.

Stage 17 will be a hard day for the break, especially since that whole GC thing is still
going on, and the four >7% climbs are going to be a smidge brutal. Yet, this will be a
dramatic stage, so I’m going to just throw some crazy out there and see what sticks:

Though I just poo’d the red dots, this break will inevitably be in the hunt for some hot
KOMs, so Purito’ll probably be battling with Tommy Tongue and maybe even fluro-
chest Majka, should they all decide to go for it. Well, at least until the last climb, when
they’ll probably get a nasty case of shark bite. Either way, there’s room for one of those
guys to end up with a red number once the red dots run out.

I wish I could pin Michael Rogers for the victory salute, but after his win today (screw
spoiler alerts – you’re reading a blog about the tour, wtf do you expect?), I don’t know if
he’ll have the legs. He’s still be on the list, but mostly that’s an emotional choice – or, a
by-product of too many CyclingTips.

What I’d love to see is De Marchi get ANOTHER red flag, but partly b/c I haven’t
figured out what his bike’s spirit animal is yet, even though he’s been in like every break
(probably b/c Sagz helmet scares him Рwhich eyes are looking at me?). K̦nig would
crush it as an escapee, but he’s too close to the GC to get away at this point.]

Confidis will send some Spaniards out, too, so throw one of them in for good measure.

I guess that just leaves the Orica Team bus to continue their flawless streak of “sneaking
in under the banner,” and the hashtag #BringBackTourSchmalz to start trending.