The running conundrum

Brian insists on running. I’m not sure why, perhaps it’s a pleasant way for him to get outdoors, maybe it stirs his spirit or he enjoys having knee cartilage that has the consistency of gravel. His reasoning is unimportant, all I know is that he will continue to keep running, and that’s something I have to contend with from a bossy coach perspective. The difficulty I have is in quantifying the time that Brian runs in a cycling duration equivalent (bikes are more awesome than running, and that’s why I’m translating the run time into bike time). The basic question I must answer is: how much run equals how much bike? I need to be able to look at the efforts that Brian does and translate them into equally measurable blocks, a sort of athletic Lego (that term feels like it needs some branding, how about a schmalz athletic Lego, a "schlego™", if you will). And then we can stack those schlegoes™ into something useful, much like in real life when Legos are used to build dioramas recreating the battle on Hoth or making a nice "beverage funnel".

And this also proves that I am thinking about Brian Gatens waaaay too much.

I’m using Ed Coyle’s assumptions here, of course, Coyle is responsible for this fiasco, so his numbers have to be taken with a grain of salt (he may very well have come up with these numbers while wearing comically oversized shoes and tying balloon animals, but no one else seems to care about these conversion numbers, so it’s all I have).

Let’s go with calories burned per mile, between 15 mph and 20 mph, each additional mile per hour adds 1.4 calories, so at 18 mph, that’s an additional 4.2 calories, making the 18 mph number for calories burned per mile 35.2. Of course, if we average the calories per mile from 10 mph to 30 mph, we get 1.65 calories burned per mile, but I’m thinking that’s a less accurate way to go about it, and I would like to give Brian less credit for each mile ran (because I’m cruel), so let’s go with 1.4 calories per mile.

Now we need to convert this running time into bike time. But first let’s get a more accurate calories per mile number for Brian, as he weighs 185 pounds instead of 155 pounds. If a 155 pound person burns 35.2 calories per mile, then a 185 pound person burns 42 calories per mile (that’s proportionally, this may not be the actual case physiologically, but whatev, I can’t find that information, so let’s go with a proportion here).

Now if Brian rides 18 miles in 60 minutes, he burns 756 calories, running burns 110 calories per mile, so this running mileage equivalent would be 6.87 miles. So an hour of riding for Brian is equal to running 6.87 miles. But we need duration here, because keeping track of mileage is stupid. The result of dividing the hourly mileage pace for bikes by running miles in the same caloric effort is 2.62. So every hour Brian runs is equal to 157 (2 hours 37 minutes) minutes of riding (2.62 x 60). Taa daa!

So 2.62 is the magic number that I will now multiply Brian’s run durations by from now on, if you can find any fault with the numbers above, please feel free to correct my calculations.

Monday September 27

schmalz Have you been using the cold water? How are those socks feeling?

Gatens No cold water…yes to socks…all day Saturday, Sunday and today at work.

schmalz The cold water helps, especially with that running nonsense.

Gatens I don’t have one of those hosey things…

schmalz Then turn the water down to cold and stick your legs in the water, hold that position until your "heritage glands" disappear.

Gatens Ugh…will do. I have a meeting until about 10 tonight. Might be another day of rest tomorrow, but not if I have anything to say about it.

schmalz Are you running or riding?

Gatens Either.

schmalz If you are riding the trainer, throw in a set of schmalzbata™ jump squats, then ride 30 minutes on the trainer, easily.

The schmalzbata is a made up term for doing plyometrics on a tabata schedule. Do as many squat jumps as you can for 20 seconds, then rest for 10 seconds, repeat for 8 sets, 3:50 total set time. This will hurt. It’s time to start working on some explosiveness for you. 

This is a squat jump.

Gatens My middle name is explosiveness. 

Tuesday September 28

schmalz I’m probably going to have to start keeping track of this stuff, plus I will need to figure out a formula for converting running time into cycling time. There also has to be a figure "x" for added misery. *Note—this was written before the above calculations were completed.

Also, totally spaced that Jed’s thing was this weekend, I suppose a thorough coach would’ve checked a calendar, oh well, you get what you pay for…

Gatens Rollers tonight and that Schmalz jumpy thing too. No sweat on forgetting about the Deathride. I try to mentally block it out too.

schmalz Let me know how it goes

Gatens On the rollers now. I can’t do those SchmalzBatter things as I just had my Charm City stitches taken out today and I’m still oozing a bit. Last thing I need to do is bleed on the kitchen floor. Kath is cool and all but she draws the line at avoidable body fluid spills.

Sitting here watching ‘Pedal to the Midnight Sun’. It’s on Universal and is about two friends who decided to ride 1,200 miles across Alaska. Soft.

There are some cool commercials for ITT-Tech and at least I have some options in case this whole ‘Quest to be a Three’ doesn’t work out. Alright, enough no hands roller riding (blatant bragging alert) let’s spill some sweat.

schmalz Do the 20/10s on the rollers silly.

Gatens Well that was a rotten three minutes. I was explosive in a not really bike racing sorta way. The guys in Alaska are now eating jerky. Mmmmm…jerky.

schmalz Yeah they are an unpleasant way to spend 3:50 (but not the worst way, the worst way to spend 3:50 is watching the video of "Song of the Night" by David Hasslehoff—I’ve include the link for you—once again, I’m full service.) The 20/10s really help open the pathways for future mightiness, so get used to them, you will be doing them every Tuesday, whether on foot, with weights, while jumping foolishly in one spot or on the bike. 

That’s basically how the old school training week goes. Tuesday are for suffering (briefly). Wednesdays are for long endurance efforts. Thursdays are for longer intervals. Fridays are openers or sprints, and Saturday and Sunday are for long rides (winter) or races. Mondays are easy days and don’t really exist, that’s why it’s 2029 on the Belgian calendar. The old school schedule is also why there are Tuesday night training races, if Tuesdays are for suffering anyway, why not get together and share the misery?

I’m going to need to create a table to record your workout data. Yes, you are getting your own infometric! Feel free to suggest any spirit animal besides the honey badger—sorry but that’s played out. I will also need to know your weight, so I can roughly figure out how much this running times equates to "real" training time.

Again, enjoy the Hoff. 

Gatens Ever wish you could unsee or unhear something? Brutal. 

That training schedule make complete sense and I look forward to discounting it. 

I’ll be up at 4:15 tomorrow to run 7 or so miles. Nice and steady nothing stupid hard or fast. 

Regarding my animal, how about something with three toes? Get it, Cat 3/three toes! Heck, with this wit you should be paying me (that joke would be funnier if I was actually paying you.)

Don’t hassle the Hoff. 

schmalz The only three toed animal that comes to mind is a sloth. Good choice.

Gatens I was going to go with the donkey (propriety prevents me from using its other name) but I think that Shen has that one claimed. Oh and I weighed 186.4 lbs this AM. 

schmalz There’s a three toed donkey? Andy’s a lemur, a very sleepy lemur.

Gatens Donkeys have hooves. What kind of a coach are you? I wanted to take a cheap shot at Shen. A ShenShot. 

schmalz OK, a three-toed, semi-nocturnal donkey sloth it is.

Wednesday September 29

Gatens On a training note…185.4 lbs. this AM…I’ll be running tonight if I can squeeze 7 miles in between the kids’ Irish dancing, track practice and cheerleading. . .

I’ll have the opportunity to go to a gym tomorrow. Any suggestion on weights?

schmalz Hmm, weights, if you have been lifting weight on a consistent basis, then you can go a little harder or heavier. If you are just starting, go lighter, because you are a puss.

I would suggest wearing your compression socks to the gym, along with the shortest shorts you can find (less restrictive). Also, eliminate the sleeves from you shirt. This is what it looks like when you’re doing it right.

Killing it.

Gatens Nice try with the Sir Richard Simmons photo, but you’ll have to get up  pretty early to get me to dress up like a fool in public or get me to join Foundation. Either way I’m not going for it. Now where were we. . .

Ok, I was a smidge busy tonight with shuttling the wee beasties between Irish dancing, cheerleading, cub scouts and track so I only had the chance to run for 35 minutes on the treadmill. I ended up watching the end of ‘Salt’ with Angeline Jolie and I don’t want to give anything away but she’s really dead the whole time. My treadmill has been making the most horrible noise lately and I took it apart to realize that a) a mouse has made a home there and b) he/she/it chewed through some plastic which was hitting the motor. I fixed the treadmill and if my mechanical skills are indicative of my cycling skills you’ll read the following headline pretty soon, "Area Man Killed in Treadmill Explosion. Mouse Blamed".

Tomorrow morning I’ll be heading to one of those functional fitness classes. We run with medicine balls and walk on our hands and all that fun stuff. I don’t know if it’s any good but it will raise your ire and that’s good enough for me.

schlego™ duration 1:31

Thursday September 30

Gatens Bagged the functional fitness class. The elbow ooze factor is still kinda high and I’m no expert but I bet that the folks at the gym aren’t big fans of that level of ickiness. Went into work early instead and will ride the trainer for an hour tonight. My plan, unless the voices in your head tell you different, is to ride for an hour with some longer intervals in there. Perhaps 3 minutes on and 2 minutes off and do four sets of them? I don’t know. Oh, and I weighed myself this morning 184.6 lbs.

schmalz That sounds good, the voices say that you should wear some leg warmers. Those aren’t really longer intervals, bounce the duration up to 4 minutes and do three, rest for four minutes between sets.

This is where one of those heat rate monitors or at least a training mood ring would come in handy.

You’re a maniac.

Gatens Well, you do know that I never took a dance lesson. Anyhoo I’ll do 3 x 4:00 and plan to curse your existence the entire time. I’ll begin to think about considering getting some type of device that measures my effort. How about the amount of sweat that pools under the bike? I can then collect it and sell it on Ebay as a magical elixir of all things donkey sloth like? Speaking of measuring devices, I saw a guy the other day riding with his iPhone attached to his handlebars. Not that I’m one to throw stones, but isn’t that a little silly?

schmalz iPhones on the bars are passe, the iPad is the new standard for handlebar infometrics.

Side note—If you keep mentioning oozing wound and donkey sloth together this page is going to end up on some very strange Google searches.

Gatens So noted. I’ll be more circumspect in how I refer to my neverending string of injuries and freakish Dr. Moreau-like Spirit Animals that you have foisted upon me.

1 hr. with 3×4:00 intervals in there. I’d call it a strong 8 on the GatensWorkIndex. Any suggestions for tomorrow as I’m riding off the Jed-Inspired 200 mile cliff on Saturday?

schmalz You should head over to Michaels and get some yarn and knitting needles. Then begin knitting, and knit until you stop thinking about doing anything as silly as exercising the day before you ride 200 miles. Also, feel free to knit me a scarf, I could use a new one.

Gatens Can I practice my victory salutes?

schmalz You may visualize them, but not pantomime them, it’s bad luck. When can I expect that scarf?

Gatens What are the state colors of Iowa?

schmalz Make sure to get the eagle right.

schmalz Iowa State? How dare you!

Gatens There’s more than one college in Iowa? No, really. . .

schmalz Well, not every state can produce scholars like Snookie.

Gatens You badmouthing Snooki? Might be time for a new coach!! SHEN!!!

*schmalz comments withheld to maintain wholesome nature of this page*

Gatens By the way, Snooki is from New York and is Chilean-American.  Take back badmouthing NJ…TAKE IT BACK!

schmalz Yeah, she’s from Poughkeepsie, only one of those Jersey Shore geniuses are from Jersey.  But you go after the Hawkeye State and it gets messy. Chilean? She’s now the most famous Chilean I’ve ever heard of.

Gatens Speaking of Chile, will I get to do a training ride like this? Please, please, please

schmalz Once you get a cat three license, yes. Also, lemonade tastes better when you’re a cat three.

Gatens I checked off ‘Iced Tea’ not ‘Lemonade’ on the Schmalz Questionnaire. It was right underneath the question asking about my dietary habits and above the question asking for my bank account numbers.

Looks like the Deathride is, well, dead. Oh well…want to ride Saturday or Sunday morning or both? Let me know.

schmalz OK, but not 200 miles though…

Gatens 100 each day?

schmalz Smart, you should exercise tomorrow

Gatens I was just thinking that. I may run 10 miles or so sometime during the day. I do have a marathon next weekend.

schmalz Oh for goodness sakes, when do those things end?

Gatens October 9th – Mohawk Hudson, Albany November 20th – Philadelphia, PA December 10th – Rehoboth Beach, De. I told you that I was trouble.

schmalz Oh for crying out loud, is Rehoboth a place you made up? Can I take off until December?

Gatens Rehoboth is just west of Winterfell (gratuitous Game of Thrones reference). Take off until December if you want but coaching a hopeful Cat. 3  through three marathons is quite the challenge. Just sayin’

schlego™ duration 1:00

Saturday, October 1

Gatens Took off yesterday. Chores and the couch sucked me into glorious largesse. Rain scuttled the AM ride so I’m off to run 10 miles. Tomorrow is a 5K with my son. I’ll probably ride the rollers for 1.5 hrs before the race.

schmalz Sounds good, be sure to try and drop your son.

Gatens Change of plans. On the rollers. Going to attempt to squeeze out 2 hours. Depends upon the speed at which the wee beasties tackle their day. Fingers crossed.

schmalz Can you Strava your running? This would make my life easier.

Gatens Bagged the run. On rollers now. 1 hr. done with hopefully one more to go. I watched the Anthony Bourdain ‘No Reservations’ New Jersey episode. Can run a few cannolis over to me? Oh and three months from today is the New Year’s Day century!

schmalz Two hours sounds awful, especially watching that unfunny blowhard Bourdain, that’s just abusive.

Gatens Done. Finished up by watching SNL with Alec Baldwin. 2 hours total. Oof.

schmalz Ouch, and if I had to watch Bourdain, I would’ve made a turn off the rollers and ridden into the wall.

Gatens I like Bourdain, but you’re from Iowa so it’s all good.

schmalz Bourdain’s awful, he’s as entertaining as a herpes lesion—but  less insightful. Therefore his empty babble is perfect for a mindless pursuit such as riding rollers.

Gatens I hope he’s not a fan of nyvelocity otherwise he’s picking up a meat tenderizer and is going hunting.

schmalz Puleeeese, an angry TV chef? He’s probably the only guy who would be intimidated by a cycling slap fight.

Gatens So when we find you strangled to death with sausage casing we’ll start the investigation with Mario Batali. Check. 

schmalz OK, our take away from this is that riding rollers for two hours is very draining mentally, and needs to be done with some sort of diversion. And we’ve also learned that Anthony Bourdain is a Hunter S. Thompson wanna-be with a worn out Don Rickles joke book and should there ever be a charity auction that offers the opportunity to punch him in the face for a price, I would be winning to spend the lion’s share of my daughter’s college tuition fund for the chance.

Gatens Let it all out, Dan. We’re making some good progress here. Now tell me about your childhood.

schlego™ duration 2:00

Sunday, October 2

Gatens Sorry to let you down, but I went 12th overall in the Ho Ho Kus 5K this morning. 20:46. My bad.

schmalz I bet you didn’t even drop your kid.

Gatens Amazing what well-placed elbow will accomplish.

schlego™ duration :54

Monday, October 2

Gatens 45 minutes steady on the rollers this morning. That’s it. Nothing else to report. Busy week ahead. Red’s away until Wednesday night so it’s all rollers combined with a 14 hour day at work today to kick the week off.

schmalz OK, but throw some schmalzbata™ (coming soon to VHS) into the middle of those rollers rides, you already have pace, you need explosiveness.

Gatens I’m doing those Schmalzbatter things on the bike, right? I have a low ceiling in the Clubber Lang Training Facility and jumping up and down in the living room isn’t going to be a big hit with the family. How does 10-15 of those 20/10 things sound?

schmalz Nope these need to be off the bike squat jumps. Ride to warm up and then do them. If your living room isn’t big enough just step outside and do them, preferably in your front yard, where the world can see what a lunatic you are. You need to become more explosive and the pylometrics will do this better than riding faster on rollers will.

Gatens Really? I have to step outside my house in a bib and undershirt and do these? Wow….

schmalz If there’s no room in the house, you need to find an alternative, these pylometrics are pretty important. And you should really be wearing nothing for full effect. (I really hope you fall for this…)

Gatens Do they have to be conducted as part of a cycling session? I can find time during the week to do them (after work at the gym, etc.) also. 4:30 AM isn’t going to go over too well with anyone.

schmalz They don’t have to be part of a bike workout, but it’s best to do it that way. But if they are done separately, it’s no big deal. I’m really just trying to get your neighbors to start talking about the nutjob who’s jumping around in his yard at 4:30 in the morning.

schlego™ duration :45

schlego™ week duration 5:10