Like all good ideas, this one was set in motion with a tummy full (temporarily) of Bock beer—actually it was my tummy that was full of beer, my co-conspirator wisely opted out of that circumstance. The notion was presented to me by my cohort: "what if you were my coach?" Naturally, I was flattered that he thought enough of my abilities to entertain the thought of allowing me to tell him what to do athletically (I begin with bossing people around on their bikes, that gives me a foothold into coaching other aspects of their activities, and then, bam! Lifecoach! And I’m telling you when to buy a new car), and if I am honest, I really enjoy telling people what to do.

I was intrigued. I am by no means a certified, qualified or even imaginary coach. I have only trained myself, and honestly I’ve found it challenging to even get me to listen to me at times. I do not have the physiological training that many coaches have. I enjoy science on a Discovery Channel level, but haven’t done any research papers and I cannot even really tell you how baking soda works. I look at my role here as more of a "spirit animal" for my athlete’s endeavors. That animal is yet to be determined—is there an animal that is both bossy and petty? 

But enough about me, let’s get familiar with the athlete who’s decided to throw away a year’s worth of sweating. It is none other than Brian Gatens, (seemingly) mild mannered educator and pain enthusiast. Brian is a cat four and he’s looking to upgrade to cat three next season, a fine goal. I’ve raced and trained with Brian and I can tell you from personal experience that there is no one more irritating to share saddle time with. It’s not that he’s unpleasant company, he’s a peach. It’s just that he rides with the unbridled enthusiasm of a puppy that’s licked a Red Bull off the kitchen floor. He does all those things you’re not supposed to do: he races at the front, he half wheels, he pulls the field along for reasons unknown. It makes a grizzled and bossy racer like myself shake my head. Brian obviously has a big motor, but he’s using it to pull up stumps when he should be dancing away from bossy jerks like myself.

He also runs. For long distances. Even when he’s not being pursued. I really don’t know what to do with that information, so I will, for the most part, ignore it. We do however need to find out some things about Brian, so I will ask him to fill out this brief questionnaire .

How many hours a week do you have to train? This means real hours, not aspirational ones, as these imaginary "leprechaun zone" hours never manifest themselves. It’s better to work within the time you already have, rather than imagine that you can use a time portal to get more training time—those portals are really expensive.

What kind of equipment do you have? I don’t really care about what bike you have. Knowing you Brian I assume it has two wheels and it’s filthy. I’m more interested in what sort of measuring devices you have. Do you have a power meter? A heart rate monitor? Do you train with a mood ring? If not, you need to get one.

Answer these questions and we can move forward. (The rest of the text consists of emails back and forth between Brain and myself.)

Gatens I’m pretty certain that someday I’ll look back to 7:44 AM on Thursday, September 22, 2011 with regret but here we go. I’d say that best case scenario I’ll have ten – twelve hours per week – about 1 – 1.5 hours per weekday with the possibility of longer outings on the weekends. The trick with being a racer/father/worker/husband/etc./etc. is to take it when and where you can. i.e. if the stars align and I have a six hour window to go do something long I go and do it regardless of where I am in some imaginary ‘training cycle’.

Regarding equipment, I think I have a heart rate monitor somewhere but will have to look. I had a Powermeter once and used it for a couple rides but found the ideal of tracking my numbers like a lab animal to be tedious and boring, kinda like riding with Christophe (Zing!).

I do have a few upcoming events worthy of note. On October 1st I’m doing the attempted murder by bike ride that Jed Kornbluh puts on every year – The Deathride. This year, like last year, we’ll be putting down 200 miles of fun on some godforsaken route that he dreams up. I also have three marathons in the next fourteen weeks. I won’t list their locations as I don’t doubt your desire to organize a flash mob of cyclists to break up the foot based fun. The good news is that I’m only signed up to do one marathon next April. It’s a little run up in Boston.

Well, that’s about it. So when do I start punching the sides of beef in the freezer?

schmalz See? This is what I’m dealing with! Three marathons. Barely any training devices. He knows Jed Kornbluh. I am almost ready to resign, but I shall press on. I assume that you will be doing some sort of "running" in prep for these marathons, so basically there’s your base miles right there. How many hours a week to you plan on running?

Gatens I’d say around 5-6 hours per week of running, but if I find the time it may push to 10 or so hours. Marathon runners measure their progress in miles so put it around 35 – 40 miles per week with some weeks being more and some being less. I do add in some time in the gym on the leg machines as well as hill repeats and track repeats. When do we get to talk about recovery? All this talk of training is making me tired already.

schmalz Miles? No wonder you runners get made fun of. Just track the hours, miles in cycling terms are useless. (In Yoda voice). There is no miles, only duration.

So while you are pounding your knees and cycling fitness to dust, are you still riding? Do you run and cycle on the same day? For the duration of the time you are preparing for the marathons, your ride on the bike should be mostly for recovery (you should ride slow), meaning you should take it easy, as you are doing intensity when you are running. Of course, you won’t do that, because you are crazy…

I have my own theories about recovery. First, compression socks are a necessity for older dudes like us. Wear them all day, but not when running or riding, because they look stupid, and they have been shown to have no effect on performance. Second, cold water. If you have a shower that has an attachment, at the end of your shower, turn the water all the way down to cold and spray your legs and joints. This is a bit shocking at first, but you will soon become addicted to the numbing effects of the chilly water. Third, don’t talk about your training to people who don’t run or ride, they don’t care, and your compression socks are off-putting.

Thursday September 22

Gatens So I have to ride easy, wear support hose and take a cold bath. Is this coaching or some ridiculous Russian gulag torture session?

schmalz Do not question my methods! Now remember to write down everything you do athletically, even that running nonsense.

Gatens Write? Write? What’s that…I’ll email it to you. Deal with it.

schmalz Email is fine, but make sure to get your support hose.

Friday September 23

Gatens 5 or so miles this morning. Scale of 1-10 I’d call it a 6.754353. 

schmalz How long did it take you? Duration! Did you not read the Yoda voice information above?

Gatens I’d guess 40-45 minutes. 

schmalz Dammit! I’m thinking you’ve just suckered me into keeping your training log for you

Saturday September 24

schmalz After arriving five minutes late for our first "training" session together, I wanted to assess Brian’s bike handling and such, but I couldn’t because he took off like a dog that found a hole in the fence. We had gone no more than five minutes and I was already riding at about 50 watts over what I would normally ride. Brian was half-wheeling me, and there were a few moments where I considered accidentally "bumping" bars with him, in order to put him into the ditch and out of my misery. But I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of coaching code against that, and I’m a stickler for bylaws and such.

Instead I allowed Brian to thrash away as we chatted about the fact that he was barely riding because he was doing a lot of running. As we neared the end of interval country, I could tell that Brian’s pace was slacking, and to prove a point (and that I’m awesome) I jumped on Christmas Tree Hill, and distanced Brian before the top. I did this for a few reasons. Firstly, to prove I’m as referenced before, awesome. Secondly, to show Brian that by constantly riding hard he was bulldozing his peaks into his valleys and flattening his athletic landscape into a flat wasteland of panting and despair (most people know this place by its more common name—triathlon). And thirdly, I did it because I am a petty and spiteful person and was irritated by Brian’s earlier half-wheeling and needed to exact my revenge. This is proof again that I am not a good person, but I will remind Brian that he did volunteer for this.

On the ride back, I showed Brian all I knew about cornering and bike handling—it took about five minutes, and to help counter balance my terrible behavior from before, I changed his tire for him. How many coaches would do that? 

Sunday September 25

schmalz Brian had some sort of running race today, a ten mile cry for help out on the woods somewhere. Honestly, I have no idea how he does those things.

http://www.mohonkpreserve.org/index.php?pfalzpoint

Gatens 1:26.28 for 10 wet humid muddy nasty miles. 56th or so overall out of 200+ runners. It was hard. Lots of uphills and thigh thrashing downhills.

My daily offering at the altar of pain.

schmalz DON’T DO ANYTHING TOMORROW! Sorry for the all caps, but we both know who we’re dealing with here.

Gatens How about a light 45 minute spin on the rollers?

 Seriously, I can’t believe he fell for this…