I’m doubling up on stages today by watching both stage 3 and stage 4, which means I will be completely sick of bike racing by the end of the day. I’m tuning in to stage 4 with 90k to go, and there’s a break with 3 minutes ahead of the pack.

Today is another "Classic day" at the Tour, which mean the finish mimics an Ardennes Classic finish. We should probably just call these "Phil Hill" finishes, as Gilbert is an overwhelming favorite to win these stages. I have to say that I enjoy the fact that the Tour is using classics-style stage (they did a portion of the Roubaix cobbles last year) finishes, as they help to make things interesting in the first week.

I need to mention now the Johnny Hoogerland is IN THE BREAK. Woo hooo! There’s nothing more entertaining than a Hoogerland day on the front. It’s time to settle in and watch Hoogie do what Hoogie does best—attack like a meth-ed up marmot. And if you had "stage 4" in the "make a rodent comment" pool—you are a winner.

The break is coming up to the intermediate sprint, time to see which team needs to raise some money.

Hoogie takes it, not a surprise there. Vacansoleil gets meat tonight!

The pack sprint should be very fun here. Movistar at the front.

Farrar takes it. Thor SMASH hanging back, saving his energy for the finish. Garvelo is dominating—it feels odd to type that.

76k to go, the break has 2:22, normally I’d zip ahead, but you don’t want to turn your back on Hoogerland.

74k to go, Rojas goes back to the team car, asks for a booster seat.

71k to go, it’s a little moist out there, a wet Hoogerland really sounds like an Urban Dictionary entry. Seems like it would involve a nozzle of some sort.

67k to go, Hoogie is pretty sedate, did they put Valium in his water bottles in the feed zone?

I must say the stacked straw roadside sculptures in this area of France are quite sub-standard.

OK, time to jump ahead, Hoogie seems like he’s going to wait a bit.

I resurface at 37k to go, the gap is still 2:29. Hoogerland still sedated.

We’ve got some wind and wetness, the weather is very un-Schleck-y, but Andy and Frank have Fabian, Jens and Stuey to shove them to the finish. I imagine Bert’s boys aren’t built for a crosswind day, will Leopard try to put time into Bert?

30k to go, a Gilbert win today seems like a fait accompli, Phil just compared him to Valverde, um, please don’t do that.

It’s odd that every winner so far this year has been very likable. Vino could break that streak.

Phil, Paul, Thor SMASH does well on uphill finishes. He was third on stage one.

28k to go, c’mon Hoogie! Jump! Jump! You know you want to.

27k to go, now that’s a solid roadside effort. The big bike with the daisy chain wheels, well done rural French town! Now, back to courting your distant relatives.

I forgot that today is Gilbert’s birthday, so there’s no way he loses, right? Making Cadel grimace in pain is an great gift to give yourself.

22k to go, Greipel at the front, and that’s how you know you are not a protected rider, Andre.

21k to go, Zabriskie at the front, displaying vegetable power.

20k to go, it looks like Cadel had a mechanical or something else.

And if you were waiting to see a cross-dressing French clown playing accordion on television, your prayers have been answered.

17k to go, what have they done to Hoogerland? He’s just Cadel-ing along.

15k to go, the gap is 1:21, Greipel working for Gilbert, questioning team change. "Yes, Andre, you get to go to the Tour, how do you feel about working for Gilbert—he wins things."

12k to go, they are moving out the cars, this is usually Hoogie’s signal to attack.

10k to go, Kern getting spaced off the back. Pow! Typography humor!

8k to go, Feillu telling his Skoda teammate to pick up the pace.

7k to go, there’s an attack and Hoogie covers.

6k to go, there’s a burst of body spray as Fabian and Linus hit the front.

5.3k to go, Hoogie and the Euskaltel are back in the break.

4.8k to go, and they are weaving all over the place, where Leopard’s roadside teammate positioned today?

They’re showing Cav, and that’s how you know you are seeing footage from the rear moto.

4k to go, and the Euskaltel guy does a Hoogerland and jumps just before the pack arrives.

3.7k to go, it’s gruppo compacto, which is Italian for "Boonen won’t win".

3k to go, Hincapie pushing the pace, making wet marks in Phil and Paul’s trousers. Gilbert is sitting in about fifth place, as cool as a basement floor.

1.4k to go, VBD2 pacing Gilbert who sits second.

Bert attacks! Gilbert covers and Cadel follows. Oooh, this is fun!

Bert runs out of steam, and Cadel takes over on the front. Thor SMASHes his way to the end of the group.

Boass Hog jumps, Gilbert is able to cover everything.

Thor SMASH still up there, this climb levels out, that could be good for the SMASHing.

400 to go, Gilbert jumps and looks to see who’s still around.

A pause, and Cadel jumps. He gets it by a gnome’s hair over Contador!

Wow, the little gremlin did it! P&P still amazed Thor SMASH was still in it. Guys, Thor SMASH can climb the little hills.

OK, we get the delightful scene of a tired Cadel being escorted by his body guard—a circumstance that breeds comedic moments.