We racers spend a lot of time engaged in behaviors that seen perfectly normal to us. Wearing lycra, riding for hours on end, rolling our body parts with foam, all of these activities seem like second nature to us, but that’s only because we’ve conditioned ourselves to not notice how odd these behaviors are any more. We’re simply in too deep to realize how truly unusual our lives seem to the outside world. We’ve lost all sense of perspective, so I’ve compiled a list of some common manifestations of cycling insanity to help those with issues to come back to the world of people. Here they are, in no particular order.

Compression Socks with Shorts

I understand, you’re warm and you need to speed your recovery along. It seems logical to slip on some shorts and squeeze your calves into some mightiness-enhancing compression socks. It makes perfect sense, and it would be a perfectly suitable ensemble…indoors. But that’s the rub, as some venture into the place known as "the world" wearing shorts along with compression socks. It’s an odd combination, odd like a seven year old named Dawn.

The thing is that we’ve already been through the tall sock era, and it was terrible. Those of us who lived through the days of the elongated hosiery still bear the scars. We also rode around on bright blue and yellow plastic skate boards with shorts so short they exposed your boy garbage to the world any time you took that skate board down even the slightest incline.

We the exposed made a solemn vow upon our skateboards, and that vow was "never again". The socks weren’t of course the main offenders in the short shorts scenario, but they became intractably associated with their white-piped collaborators and therefore part of the problem, not part of the solution. They have been thrown onto the scrap heap of sartorial history. In short, tall socks and shorts are only to be worn in the following circumstances: a) if you are playing in the ABA b) if you are imitating a schoolgirl for some revolting role playing scenario or c) if you are piloting your Rascal to Cracker Barrel for dinner at 4:30. That means unless you are aged, a degenerate or World B. Free, you need to cover up those compression socks.

Power Meters and Training Software

Power meters seem like a gift dropped from the aerobic heavens. Finally, there’s a way to record each and every movement made while plopped upon your bicycle. And that’s not all, you can rush home to download those precious bits of data, allowing for the sharing, dissemination and dissection of those numbers afterwards. This seems like an ideal training tool. You can quantify exactly how strong you are in a variety of situations: uphill, sprinting, time trialing, during coitus (this requires an additional mount). You can then save these numbers and compare your data throughout the year, discovering what make you fast and what makes you slow. It’s like an EZpass to mightiness, and using these training aides would be wonderful—if only they didn’t turn you into the one of the pod people from the Martix!

You see, once you begin using your power meter and understand what the numbers mean, you soon start riding only to obtain those numbers. Does that sound familiar? Expending your precious energy to feed an unfeeling computer? Now I’ve only seen the first of the Matrix movies, because c’mon Keanu Reeves is in them, but I’m pretty sure how the end of the civilized world begins. There’s only one answer—smash your handlebar mounted overlords! 

There are many other symptoms of cycling insanity: weight obsession, self-imposed dietary restriction, immersion in cold baths, participation in web forums and association with Andy Shen, and they all deserve a more involved description, lest they wreak havoc on the world. But sadly, I have run out of time to chronicle these dangers, as I have to strip off my compression socks, get on my bike and knock out a set of 2x20s.

Friday, January 7, 2010

Today I went downstairs to ride the trainer as there’s a steady snow falling here in New Jersey. I’ve mentioned in logs past that I enjoy shoveling snow. There’s something about the activity of carving a new path out of a blank white precipitation canvas that appeals to me. I like discovering my sidewalk below that blanket of white. In my mind I use my shovel to create a better, more efficient pathway through my suburban plot. Shoveling appeals to my desire to remake the entire world in a manner that pleases me.

I also enjoy mowing my lawn, and I think if I had my choice, I might be tempted to join the landscaping field, but alas, I fear that the compensation would not be ample enough to support my tuxedo t-shirt habit. I also rode my bike on my trainer today, big whup. 

Sunday, January 9, 2010

I have to admit, that I’m having some difficulties eliminating the extra Iowa "cookie doughiness" from my personage. In years past, my metabolism was speedy enough to take bulk feedings of baked goods in stride, but having passed the age of forty; I must now rely on dietary discipline. This development saddens me. I despise watching what I eat. To be honest, it’s another level of obsession that I should add to my routine of compulsion as a pretend bike racer, but I am as excited about the prospect of calorie counting or any other means of food management as I am about taking a Parkour class at a razor wire factory.

My alternative plan was to descend to my basement and create the indoor cycling equivalent of a Bickram yoga trainer session by not using my fan to cool myself. I am hoping the extra sweating that I do will help to eliminate the evidence of the excesses from my trip to Iowa.

Monday, January 10, 2010

I descended to my Bickram rollers basement sweat box again today. I’m thinking that I am on to something here, and I think I shall trademark my sweaty trainer concept. I will need a catchy name though, and since my last name schmalz doesn’t really rhyme with Bickram, perhaps I’ll substitute a letter from my first name, so how about a combination of "Dan" and "Bickram"? The new amalgam shall be known as… Dickram™! I am awesome at branding.

Using the Dickram™ system of riding in a sweaty confined space without any air circulating, you can expect fluids and toxins to flush from your system in an orderly and soothing manner. Blood will circulate in perfect annular harmony, as it is unaffected by harmful, artificial wind currents. The Dickram™ system has a high level of effect-assity, and has been shown to be studied by individuals throughout Northern New Jersey. Classes are filling up quickly, so make you reservations right away. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2010

Today, just like yesterday, I took to my basement for another Dickram™ trainer session. The workout today was identical to yesterday’s except for the inclusion of a set of Tabata squats. This was done mostly to make me feel better about doing a scant hour’s worth of riding. I always contended a trainer minute is equal to 1.126 outdoor minutes (due to the trainer’s tedium), so any time on the trainer is in actuality much longer than it seems. Today’s ride was about an hour, but using my ratio, the real time is closer to 68 minutes. So not only did I exercise today, I also traveled through time. Try doing that with a Shake Weight.

Wednesday, January 12, 2010

Today was another chance to indulge my snow shoveling habit. Approximately six inches of shovel filler fell last night, and I took to scraping away the frozen sky droppings with great enthusiasm. Many people are shovers when it comes to snow removal, they set the shovel down and shove the snow along, amassing the snow at the end of their runs in compressed mini-walls. This is a fine method for clearing if there is little snow, if you are doing a short section of sidewalk or if you are an uninspired simpleton. The far superior method for snow removal is the scoop and toss method. Unlike shovers, tossers can create piles more easily, allowing for more precise snow control, which is the goal for any aspiring shoveler. I am a proud tosser of course, as I like my pile management to be as controlled as spokesmodel’s underbite. 

I am, of course, writing this in-depth treatise on snow removal because we are in a very snowy time of year and people are crying out for snow shoveling tips, but I also write about snow removal because I’ve done the exact same workout for three days in a row in my basement and I fear it will soon give me a case of the "running gout", which was the Edwardian diagnosis for "completely bonkers". 

Thursday, January 13, 2010

Today’s ride saw me returning to interval country. Well, it was more like a return to an "interval country state of mind" (much like Bill Joel’s "New York State of Mind", except without that whiney Billy Joel singing in your ears), as I was performing my efforts in my basement, and not in the real interval country. I decided to go Dickram™ for these efforts, a new experience for me. I certainly did not suffer for lack of man-made moisture, I think I managed to raise the relative humidity in my basement to about 105%, with 87% of that mixture being revolting.

I did two 15 minute "kinda hard" intervals, averaging 160 bpm for the first interval and 163 bpm for the second interval, and now I would like to try and forget they ever happened.