I am busy contemplating the fact that the furnishings acquired for the American Girls that reside with us have a finish and quality that is equal to or even superior to that of our own furniture. Therefore, my introductory missive will be brief, allowing quicker access to the tales of glands and subterranean mightiness below.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Today I awoke again to find that I was still feeling the effects of my cold. I have been officially sick for about a day now, so I feel that it’s time to start officially denying that I have a cold, and carry on as if my cold did not exist. In my mind, I feel that a light spin has curative properties (it’s how I beat herpes!) – as my blood gets moving and that serves to dislodge any viruses or phlegmy bunches inside my body. I realize that this is "slugs on the buttocks" level medical thinking, and I have no empirical evidence that riding helps with my colds, but I am getting antsy because of inactivity, and I’d rather be sick than antsy. This attitude is, of course, a denial of most conventional or even sane medical thinking, but sometimes a rider’s best training tool is denial.

I descended to my basement to do a set of tabata squats and core work, followed by a short 30 minutes on the rollers to bring about a proper state of denial. There! See – I’m not sick any more.

Saturday , December 19, 2009

It seems that my dual strategies of denial and vodka treatments have served to hold my cold at bay. And on another positive note, my weight has dropped back down to a reasonable rodent level at 152 pounds. I celebrated by doing some Schmalz-bata pogo jumps, followed by an hour and fifteen minutes on the rollers. Who says bike racers don’t know how to party?

I did a 20 minute interval to add to the festive mood, outputting 259 watts at a HR of 170, numbers that fall exactly where they should in the schmalz spectrum of mightiness.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

My coach (who I consider to be the Lord – he sends the weather that determines my training routine, and yes, I realize that thinking I am trained by God is an sign of oncoming mania – but I’m just going to run with it.) has sent a blanket of snow to sweep the Earth clean of all but the most obsessed velocipede enthusiasts. I descended below the frost line to my basement (which has become a chamber of athletic horrors for me) to knock out some revolutions on my rollers.

I am able to ride longer when I can amuse myself while riding. Outdoors this usually means listening to my ipod (I know), or if on a group ride, chatting up others at what I can only assume is an infuriating (for them) pace. Indoors, I am at the mercy of whatever media I can find in my basement. Today I was able to precariously place a television before my rollers to facilitate football viewing, granted I was watching the Miami Dolphins, so the program didn’t exactly fit the definition of "football" – it was more like men in tight neon colored pants in motion – and If I think about it, the game might’ve been closer in definition to a bike race, really. Nevertheless, I was sufficiently engrossed to last for 90 minutes on the rollers. I’m sure the Heavens were pleased.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Normally, I detest waking early and training, but I’ve come to the point in the season where I feel I must do double workouts, one in the morning, and then another at midday. The justifications for doubling up are threefold: firstly, I can shove more miles into training schedule, secondly – more costume changes – enough said, and thirdly, doing two workouts in one day incites my glands to pump more growth hormone, and (like the cast of "The Jersey Shore" – a show that’s both incredibly compelling and repulsive at the same time – like "Larry King Live") there’s nothing I like more than having my glands pumping.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

After yesterday’s gland pumping (and delightfully dirty sounding) double workout, I descended to my basement to partake of some brief intensity. I did a set of tabata lunges with embarrassingly light weights (a pair of 25 pound dumbbells), and then mounted my rollers for another bout of bicycle tabata. My outdoor uphill sets usually average around 350-360 watts, but on rollers I am only able to muster an average wattage of 321 – which is 30-40 watts below normal. I must face the sad fact that if I find myself racing in a subterranean setting this upcoming season, I am screwed.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

After milking my glands for 20 minutes this morning, I went back down to the basement for even more punishment. This time I lasted for an hour and fifteen minutes. In the past few days, I have found out something about doing more than one workout in a day – it is tiring. Also in the news, polka music is intolerable, Scientology is a little odd, and trailer parks are tornado playthings. I feel that I will have to limit my gland siphoning to only a few days a week, otherwise I will overtax my system and end up with some sort of glandular disorder that will leave me with a large dowager’s hump and mononucleosis.