Today is the mighty stage up to Ventoux, a stage that probably won’t be as decisive as stage 17, but has a much better publicist. The 21.2 k climb to the top of Ventoux comes after a 160 k-ish day that includes three cat 3 climbs and a cat 4 climb also. There’s an outside chance of an audacious attack (try it Cadel, what do you have to lose?), but chances are the race for the GC will stay clumped together until they hit the mountain.

Preview
Stage 1
Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 4
Stage 5
Stage 6
Stage 7
Stage 8
Stage 9
Stage 10
Stage 11
Stage 12
Stage 13
Stage 14
Stage 15
Stage 16
Stage 17 
Stage 18
Stage 19 

It seems that some of the sprint cattiness has abated, with this quote from Cav about Thor SMASH:

"He’s shown he’s fought for that jersey, he’s not just been put in that position. If anybody deserves to be in Paris with that, it’s him. Somebody’s who’s fought for the jersey like that, I can’t compete with that – I said it to him the other day.
 
And in the absence of a real drug scandal right now, we have this ominous proclamation from the President of the French anti-doping agency, Pierre Bordry (via cycling news)

"Information suggests that there will be new products in the Tour, new methods [of doping]. We know that from various sources, from the national authorities of neighbouring countries and also from those [riders] who are not happy to be alongside those who have doped. There will be new products that are actually older products that certain people think are no longer being tested for. Blood transfusions remain for us a difficult issue, autologous transfusions are hard to analyse for. But it is obvious that it will be possible to do that fairly soon."
 
He declined to name the substances in question.
 
Bordry said that he is sure that there are also masking products that can hide the use of doping products, and said that this is why athletes selected for testing must remain under the view of the chaperones at all time. He gave an example of someone who tried to evade this, presumably to take a masking agent. "Last year, when [Riccardo] Ricco knew that he was going to be tested, he tried to escape before being blocked between two cars. And when the escort caught him, he had the impression that he was trying to carry out some manipulation."
 
Bordry recently criticised the UCI for a considerable delay in carrying out a ‘surprise’ morning control on the Astana team of Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador. The UCI controller spent nearly an hour having coffee with team officials before carrying out the test, theoretically rendering the examination useless. As manipulation of blood parameters is relatively quick and easy to do, current rules state that selected athletes should be under supervision prior to these examinations.
 
I’m dying to know what Ricco was trying to do. Was he going to inject himself? Put on a costume? Was he trying to shove someone else’s urine into his bladder? My mind dances at the thought of the different scenarios. Nevertheless, it sounds like the frozen body juices of a lot of racers are going to get a workout in the coming months, I anticipate many teams will be preemptively sending Starbucks to the labs in France to, you know, keep everyone perky.
 
Stage 20
 
I didn’t do my due diligence yesterday and missed the fact that Matthew McConaughey was in the Astana team car with Johan. Dammit! I missed out on Mac-hog-a-hey?! Ugh! I’m just going to go ahead and pretend that Matt is riding along again today, because I am kicking myself for missing that. I could’ve filled an entire day with Belgian stoner-isms!
 
I Tivo through the pre-race shenanigans, because everybody knows today will consist of a suicidal early move, followed by the climb up Ventoux.
 
Here’s a Lance interview with Frankie, Frankie tries to suppress a delighted giggle as he asks about the race for third place with Wiggo and Frank Schleck. Frankie asks about Alberto’s responsibility to keep Lance in third, somehow keeping a straight face. Lance has no answer, and passes on answering the question, no phallometrics there. And what’s more surprising, that Lance is third, or that he isn’t ranked dickier on the phallometer than myself?
 
The wind is kicking up on Ventox, which may nullify the climber’s attacks and could possibly blow Twiggo off the side of the hill. I mean, c’mon, the guy’s Lycra shorts look baggy on him!
 
Here’s a spotlight on the Hog – “There’s no one like Bruyneel – end of discussion.” Sounds like the end of one phallometer point to me. -1
 
OK, enough of that, time to zip up to the stage. Wait – here’s an Andy Schleck interview. He says that Lance is probably more worried about him than he is of Lance, he does not seemed worried about the lower Astanas at all. He also seems to know that it’s difficult to try and get teammate – even brothers – up on the podium with you, are you listening Astana?
 
84k to go, there’s a big group off the front at 9:51, which inevitably looks like it includes (I’m guessing) Voeckler and Dumoulin and a token Agritubel rider, all displaying Frenchness at the front. I feel I’ve been neglecting the “Agritubel is poor” angle, so I will be beating that dead horse again also.
 
81k to go, we’re at the feed zone, Voeckler pick up a ham sandwich and the Agritubel rider picks up his musette of radishes and grass clippings. He will have to break away soon to set up the bake sale tent on the next mountain jersey points sprint.
 
Back in the Astana team car, Mac-hog-a-hey radios up to tell Alberto that this is a prime tanning stage and that he can feel free to strip down, pull out a blanket and soak up some French sun. Everyone’s doing it.
 
After an extended break that included a trip to the Land of Make Believe in Hope, NJ, followed by BBQ and hmm, three-ish beers we are back to live Tivo coverage.
 
I will fast forward to the climb soon, but not before I take in the delightful sight of the poor bastard from Cervelo that’s behind Dumoulin in the break’s rotation – seriously, is Dumoulin 4’9”?
 
I see the list of the breakaway members and Voeckler isn’t listed – how has Tommy missed this TV opportunity? He will miss the chance to show “the Face™”?
 
I’m going to skip ahead some more and miss what I will assume is Phi and Paul (P&P) talking about Lance being awesome, teabags and monasteries where monks make stones for bricks out of blocks of rendered meat.
 
53k to go, I’m zipping ahead, but to update: Saxo Bank is working in the pack, the break is still away and Didi the Devil’s suit still smells like sweat, old German dude and crazy. Antler Guy has about 20 more years of borderline behavior before he can fill Didi’s unhinged shoes.
 
Um, apparently Ventoux is on fire. And not like a Eddie Van Halen guitar solo is “on fire” – they are using planes to extinguish the balze.
 
Mac-hog-a-hey just radioed up to Alberto to say, “Haaaay man, you’re bike’s like on fire, totally. Where’s the cam on this thing?”
 
35k to go, Astana takes the lead at the front of the race, prompting Bradley Wiggins to move up and prompting Phil to announce another profile of Lance – I suppose they have to use all of these up. They did pay for the rights to the inspirational music. The Mac-hog-a-hey is grooving to the trumpet solo – did you really listen, man, I mean really listen? You know what? Pants are BS dude…
 
I fast forward ahead some more  – looking for attacks, interviews or fire.
 
Here’s the same Lance interview from before? If I were more sober I’d remember, but all the Lance interviews seem to be up close shots of him talking about Alberto, and teamwork and the cold steel gaze of Frankie Andreu – although I may be projecting there. “He can do his job and I can do mine.” Ouch.
 
VS just did a profile of Ventoux, and Lance mentions he has unfinished business there, as he “gifted” Pantani a win there. I may be dropping a deuce in the punch bowl here, but I get the feeling they’ve wasted the Ventoux climb for this Tour. It just doesn’t seem like it’s going to be as decisive as stage 17 was, but who knows? Maybe Wiggo will attack, maybe Lance will crack, or maybe Cadel will become incontinent.
 
18k to go, the break hits the climb. Garmin is leading the pack behind. The only race left is for third today.
 
Mac-hog-a-hey radios up to say that in the Hindu religion that third place is totally cooler than first place.
 
Riblon is attacking the break, hoping to extend his “until caught” time. Tony Martin covers.
 
Millar and VDV are working the front to try and suppress the Schlecks They start tossing candy along the road to tempt Andy into stopping.
 
Wow, the lower slopes of Ventoux are a tunnel of flags, cheers and inebriates.
 
15k to go Saxo takes over at the start of the slope.
 
Fans lean out into the road to get camera phone pictures of blurry, annoyed riders.
 
14k to go, at the front Martin Garate and Riblon have formed a power trio named “Germany, Spain and Too Lazy to Look Up” – look for their single “We Thought We Had a Chance” to drop soon.
 
13k to go, it looks as if Lance and Berto are having an exchange, Lance asks Berto to attack Kloden again.
 
12k to go, Phil announces that the next flag Martin and company will see is the 5k to go flag, Paul neglects to mention Phil is off by about 5k and 15 years.
 
Karpets is dropping off the pace, and Frank Schleck attacks, covered by Lance.
 
Mac-hog-a-hey radios up to say that Lance should follow wheels and that the colors out here smell like aspartame.
 
Frank Schleck has a habit of completely unzipping his jersey on a hot day, exposing to the world a chest of a pre-pubescent middle schooler.
 
Andy moves to the front to keep the pace high for his brother Roger Clinton, I mean, Frank. Wiggo is hanging on. Go Wiggo!
 
VDV falling back now. I would pour out my beer right now – but that would be alcohol abuse.
 
12.2 to go, Andy jumps again with Berto following. Contador hoping to knock Lance back down to 17h place.
 
Lance jumps from behind, inviting a Frank attack like a cougar welcomes a pool boy.
 
Andy and Berto pass Dumoulin, casting such a shadow over him that mushrooms bloom on his backside.
 
Kloden looks to be falling back, leaving just Lance for Wiggo to deal with.
 
11.5k to go, Andy Schleck jumps like they just announced recess. Alberto covers, Lance stays with Tito Schleck.
 
10.7k to go, Billy Carter Schleck tries to dislodge Lance again, but to no effect.
 
The yellow jersey group has congealed back together like a Thanksgiving Friday. Kloden may be able to catch back on, to help Lance get 4th?
 
10 k to go, Tony Martin passes under the flag and wears a face that looks like he voiding his bowels.
 
Kloden is about to catch the yellow group, the Mac-hog-a-hey radios to tell him that it doesn’t matter whether you finished on the podium or not, it’s how you licked the road along the way. Mac-hog-a-hey also radios for some of the stuff those dudes from Amsterdam looked like they had on the side of the road.
 
Andy and his yellow shadow jump, seeing if Frank Stallone Schleck can make a move. He stays put.
 
8.9k to go, Nibali goes from the chase group, prompting a reaction, a following reaction, but a reaction nonetheless.
 
Mac-hog-a-hey radios the universe asking if anyone has ever talked back to their stomach when it growls.
 
8.5k to go, they show Martin and Garate. Garate looks cool, Martin looks like he’s about to ask out the prom queen.
 
Nibali gets up to Andy and Alberto. If Andy keeps working – which he won’t – Nibali will get 3rd in the Tour. That is about as likely as me going back to the Land of Make Believe before at least 12 months have passed.
 
8k to go, Wiggo goes to the front, but is covered like Micheal Jacskon’s death – completely, immediately and sadly.
 
7.5k to go, Andy accelerates but is covered by Contador, prompting Paul to remark how they look like Lance and Pantani. Otra pregunta, por favor.
 
6.4k to go, Martin and Garate still out front; Andy, Nibali and Berto following; Lance group behind; Mac-hog-a-hey developing global government conspiracy based on dominoes and the Masons.
 
Andy Schleck keeps looking back for Frank.
 
5.6k to go, we’re out of the trees now, it’s only grit, determination, and the inevitable crumpling of Kloden left now.
 
Pelli Bawn Chicka Bawm Bawms an attack off the Lance group.
 
Seeing the landscape of Ventoux, Mac-hog-a-hey wakes and says the moon landing was a conspiracy between the government, aliens and mayonnaise.
 
Sanchez is pushing and VDV following, could they get to the main group?
 
Phil just said Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm was coming fast.
 
3.8k to go, the Schlecks attack, can their teammate Contador join them?
 
Contador joins, covered by Armstrong. Wiggo still not dropped.
 
3.3k to go. Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm pumping his way to the leaders, and that does not sound at all dirty.
 
2.8k to go, Wiggo getting dropped, but crawls his way back.
 
Tony Martin still at the front with Garate, he looks like a freshman with the bedspins.
 
1.4k to go, Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm and his crotch dots are trying to make it to the leaders.
 
1.3k to go, Andy jumps again, trying to win the race for 3rd for Frank.
 
Garate jumps Martin, who is going to go blow chow into the RA’s ficus tree.
 
1k to go, Martin puts his finger to his lips, stops the lurching in his stomach and gets back up to Garate.
 
Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm is still dangling in the middle, still sounding dirty.
 
Garate jumps Tony Martin and takes a big win
 
Andy and Berto finish together – Armstrong after, and then Frank Schleck. Awareness finishes 3rd on the GC.
 
Now we get to see Wiggo struggle to the line to hold off Shemp Schleck. He does.
 
VDV is finishing with the guys closest to him on GC, holding on to 8th.

Mac-hog-a-hey radios Lance to tell him the sunshine in France tastes funny.