Before we get to today’s normal snippiness, I’d like to take a serious moment and remind everyone that a woman died yesterday after being hit by a police motorcycle on stage 14, it’s very sad and we send our condolences to the woman’s family.

And now in what must be the most awkward segue way in internet typing history, George Hincapie’s dream of yellow also died out on the course yesterday. And yes, I did just type that. What we thought was going to be another ho hum breakaway or sprint day turned out to be the MOST DRAMATIC DAY IN AMERICAN CYCLING HISTORY. Well, for the next 12 hours or so it will be, I imagine that this will all blow over when we find out that Bruyneel has been secretly playing tapes of all of Lance’s past Tour wins under the bed where Alberto sleeps or we discover that JV has been drinking boxed wine in the team car. Soon all this drama will be forgotten, except of course by George Hincapie, who sadly gets to add another square of regret to the quilt of despair he’s stitched together throughout his career.

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Stage 14

But let’s try to piece together what happened, shall we? Here’s a great recap the day’s event at Velonews.com:

A group of 12 got away with George Hincapie included, and their lead grew at one point to 8:50, at that point Ag2r’s Nocentini looked down at the shirt he was wearing and remembered that he was going to be turned into ground beef on stage 15, and ordered his guys to the front – as Hincapie was the virtual yellow jersey on the road. They started rotating at the front as of they were a team capable of reeling in a break – silly Ag2r! Astana were also seen at the front of the race for quite a bit of time, limiting the time the break would get, and then the time gaps really started to plummet when Garmin hit the front.

The break stayed away, a Russian won the stage and Hincapie missed yellow by five seconds, after the race George called Astana’s (not Garmin’s) tactics “insulting”.

So what happened? Were there grudges out there on the road? Did Garmin want to harsh Columbia’s yellow, perhaps we should look at this on a case by case basis.

Ag2r

They obviously wanted to keep yellow for another day for publicity purposes, and Lloyd Mondory’s marionette skills aren’t going to get them on the Tour post race show, so they chased; the complication is that they couldn’t bring back the Beatles with a time machine, so they needed a little help.

Astana

Astana was at the front of the race, making sure the break didn’t get “Pereiro minutes”. They can’t be faulted (although I do love to fault them for things, I took phallometer point off Lance for his actions – and once taken they cannot be reinstated, as I am too lazy to chance the graphics) for keeping the time gap in check. And if you believe this quote (also from Velonews.com from team leader Lance Armstrong – I just typed that out of habit – sorry Berto), they wanted best bud Hincapie in yellow:

“The break goes, George is in there, he’s the best placed rider on GC, which means he has a chance at the yellow jersey. For our team, that’s a good thing, and for me personally, it’s a great thing, because he’s my best bud in the peloton. The scenario of George in yellow was perfect for our team. His team would have ridden (at the front) all day tomorrow. It’s exactly what we wanted.”

That sounds reasonable (although I want to deduct a phallometer point for using the phrase “best bud”), so let’s see what happened with what is now the most evil team in cycling, Garmin.

Garmin

Garmin went to the front to help Ag2r chase, and their reasoning for this (from DS Matt White) was that they didn’t want any time splits hurting them again like they did on the previous stages, here’s his quote, also from Velonews.com:

“There’s not a problem there at all between our team and Columbia. We are here to win the Tour de France. We’ve been caught out twice already, we didn’t want to make that mistake a third time.”

So Whitey is saying they were trying to keeps any gaps from opening, which is fair, and White used to be a teammate of George from the Postal/Disco days, so maybe there’s some leftover bad will from those days? Did George take Whitey’s breakfast burrito on a rest day?

Columbia

Columbia obviously wouldn’t work to bring the break back and going to the front when the yellow jersey would be dangling by seconds would be just stupid – oops, they did end up leading out the bunch sprint didn’t they? Why were they on the front at the end? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to make Cervelo lead out? Thor SMASH was in green, and it was Cervelo’s duty to lead out, no? And it’s not like Cav couldn’t follow Thor SMASH and come around. I think that Columbia ended up screwing both George and Cav (who was looking around at the finish as if someone were in his ear saying, “Too fast, wait, don’t sprint!” – but that’s just a guess). They screwed George by insisting on leading out, and they screwed Cav by probably telling him to slow up (and inadvertently causing him to change his line) when he was coming to the finish, but again that’s a guess. I don’t have the transcripts from the team radios. Otherwise, I’d be publishing an anthology of the Hog’s spicy limericks.

But once again, all this will be forgotten after today’s stage. On a separate note, it’s good to know that some things haven’t changed. Bless you, Badger. Seriously, no reality show for Hinault?

Stage 15

I tune in and see graphic where Bob Roll rates Lance as a better climber than Contador. What? Has he been watching this year’s Tour? Does he know that it’s 2009?

They show George’s “highly insulting” quote again, I imagine that he will be revising that quote soon in order to maintain his hatred for cancer.

Phil and Paul have received their talking points and are now shifting blame to Garmin.

But enough about “chase-gate”, let’s watch the stage today. We have an uphill finish today that could be as explosive as the morning after black bean salad night at the schmalz house.

Pelli Bawm Chicka Bawm Bawm takes points in the first three mountains jersey sprints, gaining more points over Martinez and maintaining man perm.

The Italian Federation has forced Pozzato to make a costume change because his Katusha jersey wasn’t “Italian enough”, as if he needed any prodding for getting out of his clothes!

118k to go, there’s a break of 10 off the front at 3;29, Fabian, Flecha and Hesjedal are up there, but their chances for success are about as likely as the chances of me teaching the neighborhood squirrels to knit.

Here’s a Bob Stapleton interview, he said the team chasing at 10k to go (um, Garmin…) made the most difference in the time, he said his guys went to the front and tried to slow it down, and that confused the sprint (hmmmm, did I guess right about that?) and that led to Cav’s relegation. Let the slap fight continue!

Here’s a VDV interview – he says that anything can happen on the last climb today, and he whispers under his breath that Columbia can suck it.

Here’s Frankie and the Hog – he says they wanted George in yellow, as that would make Columbia work, and that George is his bro-seph. He says that Garmin worked to bum out America and he isn’t surprised they wanted a rider such as Contador on the team. Frankie asks about Astana’s plans on the last climb, and Johan says that they plan to have Alberto take Levi’s place on the team – in the hospital that is.

101 k to go, the gap is 4:07, Astarloza is the virtual George Hincapie on the road.

Kloden goes back to the team car and picks up Alberto’s lead water bottle.

Here’s an interview with Matt White – he says they didn’t want to have any gaps in the peloton – he makes no mention of the disputed burrito.

Here’s a George interview – he says missing yellow was “one of the biggest disappointments of my career” and that he’s disappointed and angry. He also mentions that Whitey should get over the stupid burrito – it wasn’t even chorizo.

I zip ahead on the Tivo a bit, and there’s an athlete profile about some guy named Armstrong – is that even necessary?

After an extended suburban break that included swimming in murky waters, a lawn mowing and a barbeque, I am back watching the race, aided by beer and ice cream.

87k to go, Phil amd Paul are talking hydroelectric power and I forget that I can fast forward through the lulls in the race.

I stop for a profile of Ryder Hesjedal, they keep calling him “North American” – he’s Canadian – we can handle it!

78k to go, Moncoutie is up there in the break also. And if you don’t like Moncoutie, I’m not going to say I don’t like you, but you’re definitely not going to sign my yearbook.

Astana is setting tempo behind at the front of the race, hoping to catch the break so Lance can taunt Moncoutie.

I fast forward to see the descent, scanning for crashes, mishaps or Cadel Evans, which are all words for the same thing.

Here’s a spotlight on the importance of the team car, also known in Spain as a “teammate”.

OK, here’s the latest from the Oracle of Awareness about “chase-gate”. He says they put two guys on the front and the gap increased, and then says that in the last 15k Garmin chased the break back. The question is – just how slow are those two teammates of his?

27k to go, nothing has changed, the break is at 3:10, nothing will change until we hit the hill, so let’s zip ahead to that shall we?

The last climb is 8.7k long, which is the distance from my house to at least 27 different Starbucks.

16k to go, Spilak has escaped from the front group. A Slovenian escape! Which sounds like a magic trick or a snuggling position I’ve never heard of.

Liquigas is at the front working for Pellizotti Bawm Chick Bawm Bawm.

15k to gp, all the other contenders are in the main pack. We get a peek into the Garmin team car. Matt White orders the team to tell George Hincapie that his dog has died.

14k to go, the break seems to be cracking under the pressure from, um, Spilak?

Astarloza and Hesjedal are trying to join the Slovenian escape; I may have to consult the Urban Dictionary to see how that works with three.

13k to go, the break has about 2:30, a time with less hope than the minute before closing time in at Paul’s Big Game Tavern – and yes, I’ve been there and the stuffed squirrels are stunning.

We come back to an interview with Lance about Verbier (which sounds vaguely alcoholic) today which he claims is like a mini Alpe D’Huez, because he wouldn’t want to attack on a non-name-brand hill. That’s a -1 on the phallometer for mountain snobbery.

9k to go, Spilak hits the hill, and puts on some mood music. Tells everybody to not be so up tight.

8k to go, the break has 1:12, and Garmin is at the front of the race. Shhhhh….

Saxo Bank takes over the pace making, trying to remove the Amber Alert placed on Andy Schleck in this Tour so far.

7k to go, VDV hanging in. Go VDV! Oh, oops. Wiggo looks comfortable at the front also.

Fabian and Hesjedal are caught by the pack, the main group is getting smaller and smaller – Fabian remains fabulous though.

6.4k to go, Fabian and Hesjedal putting in their last bits of work on the front, Hincapie is dropping from the main group.

6.2 k to go, Fabian pulls off, Lance tries a move up the side and nearly t-bones a spectator who obviously has a thing for cancer.

6k to go, Frank Schleck goes, Berto follows, Fabian stops at a camper van to ask for a shower.

Lance closes the gap to Contador. Sastre is dropped, where’s VDV?

5.6k to go, Contador attacks hard! He misses the message in the road from the chalkbot that’s tells him to ride into the guardrail.

Andy Schleck goes after him. Frank, Lance and VDV are being gapped. Wait – that’s Wiggo!

Phil says that Lance is playing the faithful teammate here – he looks more like a gassed eel, but that’s I the eye of the beholder.

Phil just says that the Garmin guy up with Lance is VDV – stop toying with me!

5.3k to go, um, Contador looks good, and now Kloden pulls through in front of Lance at the front of the, I guess we’ll call it a chase?

And now Paul says it is Wiggo with Lance’s group. You’re killing me guys!

4.9k to go, VDV and Cadel have made it up to the Lance group. Phew! Here’s hoping Cadel doesn’t attack, wait for it – bwa ha ha ha ha ha!

OK, I see two Astanas in the chase group and they are both at the front of the chase group. That’s some quality team-mating there.

Andy Schleck is hanging at about 15 seconds from Berto, and 24 seconds from the chase, that’s a lot of seconds for Alberto.

4.3k to go, Contador and Andy Schleck off the front. Lance and Kloden at the front of the chase, and where’s Frank Schleck? Well, third wheel where a proper teammate should find himself. I do like how they’re not even pretending to work for Contador anymore. I can’t wait to see how lance Twitter’s his way out of this one! Is “I hate Alberto and his stupid fastness” under 140 characters?

4k to go VDV dropping – ugh! And here comes Sastre! He’s getting back to the chase. Lance and Kloden obviously riding tempo at the front to let Alberto get away – and that’s just what they will tell him tonight after he sees the footage from today’s stage.

3.5k to go, Wiggo sitting in the Lance group, sort of squishing VDV’s dreams. And for no apparent reason, VS tosses up a graphic that says Lance has won 11 Tour stages.

3.2k to go, Wiggo jumps! Holy crap!

A confused Antler Guy runs alongside Contador with an American flag and tries to gore him.

3k to go, Frank jumps to try and join his brother in getting schooled by Contador.

2.7k to go, Contador cruising, and this crowd really seems to like cancer. Kloden and Lance still at the front of their group.

2.3k to go, Contador has to negotiate the gauntlet of inebriates.

2k to go, Wiggo has got across to Frank Schleck. Amazing. Lance at the head of his group, riding hard. Let’s deduct some phallometer points there, shall we? -2

Sastre attacks Lance and Kloden at the 2k to go kite, Cadel follows (shocking), Lance and Kloden getting gapped.

1.2k to go, it looks like Contador is adjusting his radio earpiece as Bruyneel radios to tell him his ankles are looking fat.

1k to go, Sastre has to work hard to get up to Wiggo’s group, there’s no way that sentence would’ve made sense a few years ago.

Contador is dancing on the pedals, Lance is peering into Kloden’s buttocks.

Are Phil and Paul going to pretend the Hog planned this?

Contador wins it, does his pistol shot salute, and has to get out of the way so Lance’s film crew can get a shot of him finishing.

Andy Schleck gets second and moves up the GC, Wiggo finishes 5th! Kloden reverts back to old habits and finishes ahead of Lance, does that mean Lance will work for Kloden now?

VDV still on the hill, oof. He finishes with Nocentini and loses 2:41, oy.

A Lance interview, he says he’ll have no problem working for a stronger teammate. Just kidding! That was VDV.

Here’s the Lance interview. Frankie suppresses a giggle and asks if Lance’s chances of winning the Tour are over.