Tour day schmalz stage 14

Who needs another yellow shirt?

Yesterday’s stage saw Heinrich Haussler solo his way to victory while the rest of the race bided their time and tried to not end up in any ditches on a wet, hilly stage. The news story of the day had to be that Oscar Freire and Julian Dean were both shot with an air pistol. Dean got hit in the finger, with Freire getting injured more seriously. Here’s the recap from cyclingnews:

Oscar Freire (Rabobank) has spoken about the incident that saw him shot at during the Tour de France’s stage 13. The Spaniard was descending the Cote du Platzerwasel in the peloton on Friday when he felt a stabbing pain in his thigh. Later during the stage Freire pulled a pellet, identified later as being fired from an air pistol, out of his leg.

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Firstly, how badass is Oscar? Pulling an air gun pellet out of his leg during the stage? My respect for Oscar has grown even larger. But this incident brings up a fact about the Tour and European cycling that many Americans are not aware of. Cycling is kind of a redneck sport in Europe, it lands on the spectrum of US sporting equivalency somewhere between bowling and tractor pulling – and when the Tour hits rural areas, it’s going through places that are as dentally challenged as any remote areas in the United States. We in the US tend to think that the Tour is all champagne and ski top villages, but in reality it goes through areas that smell like manure and, were they in the US, would be infested with Meth People.

Perhaps the best thing to come out of the shooting is that Freire and Dean can now have an answer for stories from Tour old timers about the difficulty of their races. All they have to do is preface their stories with “Yeah, that sounds like a tough stage Eddy, it almost sounds as bad as the stage I rode after GETTING SHOT.”

As of this writing, the authorities haven’t brought in any suspects, and there’s no reason to suspect foul play from any riders, as both Freire and Dean were sure to have been on the back of the pack and absolutely no where near Alberto Contador.

Stage 14

Today looks like it will turn out to be a sprint finish, with a slightly hilly course with the hills coming well before the end. The result of the stage will come down to whether Columbia feels like chasing or not.

It’s a wet day at the start of the race, and we see Jen Voigt get an abysmal wheel change, Jen look sat the Mavic station wagon, and says, “Why have you forsaken me?”

Moreau is allowed to get away from the bunch to say hello to his wife and daughter, he probably had to ask permission because normally the peloton is absolutely terrified by the sight of Moreau off the front, no, really…

102k to go, and there’s a group of 12 away with about 5 minutes. George Hincapie is there. So far during this Tour, the rumor has been that teams have been chasing any breaks with Columbia guys in them, so that Columbia will be left to chase back breaks at the end of the stages. Which may explain their sour moods during this Tour, that or they have brought along a chef for Cav who only specializes in Haggis.

George is in virtual yellow out on the road, a situation akin to be a virtual virgin.

Maaskant is also up in the break. Things seem to have settled down in the race here, so I will zip forward on the Tivo, looking for interviews, crashes or guys sprinting to the front to take a whiz, I’m looking at you, Pozzato.

Ciolek and Bennati are in this break, figuring their best chances at beating Cavendish are to start their sprints from 87k out.

Here’s a Julian Dean interview – he figured the pellet was a stone from the road. And doesn’t everyone sound more badass with a Kiwi accent?

Zipping ahead to 77k to go, the break is at 7:14. Alberto is calling for the team car, Lance tells Astana to pick up the pace. The Hog tries to nudge him into the ditch.

I skip to 64k to go, probably avoiding some awareness messages, but I am willing to tempt the cancer gods.

Here’s a Hincapie profile. Will they show his marzipan Trek bike falling apart at Roubaix? Guess not.

I skip ahead to see the profile of the finish line celebrations. They forget Toto’s famous “get in my belly” routine.

The race has settled into a storyline more predictable than an episode of “Quincey” – I don’t mean to be a spoiler here, but the M.E. is always right.

Time to fast forward to the attacks, George jumps at 35k to go a move less effective than powdered sugar toothpaste.

I fast forward to a Lance proclamation. He says the headline for the day was that they were freezing. My headline for the stage was that Haussler has a perma-twinkle in his eye. Take a look, you’ll see what I mean.

The break’s at the 20k to go kite, the attacks will have to come soon. This is going to get interesting.

And Ivanov goes at the 10k to go kite, playing the one card he has in his deck. It’s a Soviet Era deck, so all the cards are the same.

Phil calls Ivanov the sweetest carrot of the day. Even I am blushing at that one.

George could end up in yellow today.

8k to go, Ivanov has 17 seconds. Ciolek and Bennati will have to do some work.

7k to go, there’s two chasers behind Ivanov, but Serguei is holding them off.

6k to go, Timmer and Roulston are chasing Ivanov, but the Russian is holding onto 15 seconds. Russians tend to give up easily, right?

Ivanov has a piece of paper taped to his stem, reminding him to crush the bones of his enemies – and to call his mother.

The rest of the break seems to be about as organized as a quilting bee for squirrels.

5 k to go, Ivanov is holding strong, like iron buttocks.

2.2k to go, no one in the chasing break is willing or able to close the gaps for Ciolek and Bennati.

Ivanov comes to the 1k kite. It’s all over but the balcony top proclamations.

Roche jumps from the back, also telling everyone about this cool new band he’s just discovered called “Seals and Crofts”.

Ivanov raises his hands, inspects the passing missiles and wins the race.

Roche holds on for 2nd, now George goes to the crying room to see if he gets the yellow jersey – and yes, in my fantasy Tour, there’s a crying room, along with a penalty box.

We have 5:40 to kill here to see whether Garmin can keep George out of yellow?

We also have some SMASH points up for the taking.

1 k to go, it’ll be close for George to get yellow, and his team being at the front for the Cav leadout isn’t helping either.

Tony Martin tries to wait until the last moment to start the leadout.

Thor SMASH is sitting right next to Cav, casting a shadow that turns Cav’s day to night.

Cav doesn’t seem to know where the line is and hits the front looking around like a startled tufted titmouse – yes, it’s a real bird….

Thor SMASH seems to have an issue with Cav trying to sprint in slow motion.

It looks like George will miss yellow by 3 seconds, but he has been made devastatingly aware of cancer.

George calls the way Astana rode “insulting”, let’s subtract 5 dick points for that one, shall we?

Lance says that Astana wanted George to have the jersey, and that Garmin must have a rivalry with George, maybe true, but still more dick points off the phallometer for that one. -5

Here’s a Thor SMASH interview. He’s still in green and Cav was relegated. He says the green jersey competition will be tough. Let’s run that through the schmalz translator: “I know not what this “relegated” is, but if it’s a sort of reptile, I know I can to strangle it.”

63 Comments

Wheelsucker

he’s actually responding to people on twitter

@BritneyGears you’re clueless
about 3 hours ago from UberTwitter in reply to BritneyGears

NoYellowForYou

Lance Armstrong and Garmin are mega aholes.

Negative racing, they literally worked to stopped a (deserving) American from wearing the yellow jersey.

LA Twitter today reads like an excitable Cat 4 nyvelocity comments.

What an ass.

Dickinies all around.

Comic Book Guy

Comic book guy says:
“There is no emoticon for what I am feeling right now!!!”

WTF!!!! With “Friends” like Lance & Dave Z. pulling for AG2r in the finish who needs mortal enemies. That was just disgusting to keep a legend in his twighlight from putting on the Maillot Jaune one more time.

I won’t even get started on Cav sprinting for 1 measly f%cking point!!!

I feel for you George. You were royally screwed by the people you served all those years,. I say you spill the beans on Lance’s “training methods”.

Wheelsucker

Watch the tape when Astana was pulling GH was in yellow when ag2r and Garmin took over the pace setting and the rest is history no fault of Lance or his boys.

Comic Book Guy

Johan can’t talk to Matt White? Say “what’s up?. Why you poring haterade on “my boy” George?”

Didn’t happen

Lance couldn’t have a “Chat” with Dave Z. and say what you are doing dearest david?”.

Didn’t happen

No none of those options happened, so with all of Lance’s denials he’s still part of today’s problem.

Wheelsucker

Don’t let facts get in the way of a good hatefest. Lance also rode over that poor lady and killed her, FYI.

NoYellowForYou

“When Astana was pulling”

Why where there pulling?

It was clear that AG2R should have done that work, Astana at front, allowed AG2R to rest and start later.

Once AG2R started they looked in trouble.

Had Astana not pulled, AG2R would not have been able to pull George back.

Wheelsucker

Watching the guy who wears our colors in the TT pull so hard against George was heartbreaking. Captain America my ass! Scandalous.

NoYellowForYou

You have to understand that most everyone that visits this site, also races their bicycle. We know what we saw.
Without Astana and Garmin pulling, George would have grabbed the Jersey.

Neither Astana or Garmin should have pulled, they gained nothing by doing so today.

Even Hincapie himself called it “Insulting”

It was.

Wheelsucker

It’s not very complicated. If Cavendish shut his mouth George would be in yellow. Payback is a bitch, but George only needs to point a finger across the dinner table.

Wheelsucker

So because Lance didn’t orchestrate the outcome of the race for his friend, he’s a dick. He can’t control other teams. Otherwise, he would just tell everybody that they weren’t allowed to beat him. You realize that the various players have their own motivations, right?

The part of the stage that I saw with Astana on the front (a little more than an hour to go), the gap was going up and up… almost to 9 minutes, and Phil and Paul kept talking about “if they stopped the race right now, Hincapie would be in yellow by 3 minutes!”

Wheelsucker

When Astana in front, 23 mph, they were slowing down and GH pulled away. Real culprit his own team- if they didn’t go for the sprint, 5 seconds easy. Second biggest fault GH himself, he shouold have stopped dicking around and rode better in last 10 K.. All said and done, if he could have stayed with Katusha rider, he’d be in yellow. No other faults. Not like GH to blame others for his failure.

Wheelsucker

Errr… apparently only at the Cat. 4 level when people yell, “don’t chase your own teammate!”

It’s a slightly more subtle form of blocking. If you ride tempo while the break is killing it to get away, then you’re dissuading other people from doing any work. In the mean time, the gap is going up.

StickyBottle

Astana’s been pulling for the past two weeks. That’s the way they roll….they want their GC contenders at the front so they don’t get tangled up in some mass crash.

Today, Ag2R finally went to the front and started pushing the pace at the end in order to keep their yellow jersey; it’s their effort that denied George.

Garmin’s contribution to the pace may have been the douchebaggery of the day; I’m not seeing why Lance gets the phallometer points.

NoYellowForYou

“When Astana in front, 23 mph, they were slowing down and GH pulled away.”

This is simple:

Had Astana not been at the front, AG2R would NOT have pulled it back.

Even Hincapie called it “Insulting”

For example, I didn’t see Euskatel, Saxo Bank, Quick Step, you name it, at the front. Just like Astana, today, they had no reason to pull.

Wheelsucker

Are you kidding? Lance-hating is a religion. He gets the dickometer-points regardless of his actions, because the intent is predetermined. If the premise is, “Lance is a dick,” then only one conclusion can be drawn.

Wheelsucker

All this pass-aggressive bellyaching sounds slightly patronizing of George, who tends to get the Simple Jack treatment from fans because of all his various heartbreaking losses and nice-guy reputation. Here’s some painful truth: George rode like a hero to help that break work all day, but then those guys totally jostled and dicked around once Ivanov went up the road. It didn’t look like George was up front taking monster pulls to bring Ivanov back, either. He was hanging onto wheels trying to keep his margin — which is a strategy, but a conservative one – riding not to lose his lead. He didn’t go out and try to grab the mofo. Who doesn’t wish he won? But to act like he couldn’t have helped his own case is just not paying attention.

Likewise, whoever said the thing about Columbia-HTC is right — those guys drilled it for Cav in the last 1 K and a half, if they had such a chub for George in yellow they may have considered sacrificing the Missile. But no – they wanted both Green and Yellow. Which is why they’re an awesome team, but also why people think they’re kind of greedy. Why the F should Garmin kiss the ring? That’s what Z’s Twitter comment is about. Stapleton has shittalked Garmin for months, does he think Garmin wants to hook his boy up, even if it’s a guy like George? Columbia’s world class at winning races but they’re also world class at crying — wwaaa, waaaa, no one wants to help us chase down breaks so Cav can crush everyone in the sprint. To heck with that. As Nat Cole once said, it’s hard being King.

Wheelsucker

4:32: “You have to understand that most everyone that visits this site, also races their bicycle.”

LOL. Who else do you think is on this site? Nickelback fans?

Wheelsucker

What does Astona at front have to do with Ag2R taking time down. With or without Astana Ag2R could go faster whenever they want/ whether they could or not is a different story.

Wheelsucker

Yah 4:42 is in Bizarro world — also this line is a good one — “For example, I didn’t see Euskatel, Saxo Bank, Quick Step, you name it, at the front”

I don’t think I’ve seen Euskatel at the front since 1973 and Quick Step has been in a team coma since Paris-Roubaix.

You didn’t see Skil-Shimano drilling it! Those boys kept a reeeel nice pace for George.

Wheelsucker

Yes, but not really. Nickelback is a material developed in the late 80s in the Pacific Northwest, known then as Grunge. The original tubing was far superior, was built of longer lasting material, and was excellent for training and racing. Grunge, like other materials, was pushed aside during the rise of carbon fiber and thought of as forgotten. However, Nickelback was developed in Canada in the 1990s and was commercially very well-received as a reintroducing of the classic Grunge, though it lacked any of the charactaristics that made the original so appealing. The ride quality is boring and unlively, and many say that it’s harshness leaves a lasting feeling somewhere between a headache and nausea, giving the rider no apparent reason to continue riding the material. It’s rumored that the industry is trying to do away with Nickelback but the strength of the tubing’s fans if very strong and continues to prove that even though something sucks beyond belief, people will buy just about anything assuming it will get them laid.

Wheelsucker

I have already called his mother, who found him locked in his closet, sobbing loudly, with a Livestrong jersey on some sort of sacrificial alter near his bathroom. Let’s all pray he makes it through the night.

cycling fan

Astana didn’t rip yellow from GH, it was Garmin and Mavic. Astana kept the break from getting too much time, but they left plenty of room for GH to get yellow. AG2R didn’t have the power to prevent GH from taking the lead, but with Garmin’s help they did. JV’s explanation that Garmin was only trying to keep VDV and Wiggins out of trouble by riding at the front is BS. They were keeping Columbia from getting yellow which is their right, but a crappy thing to do to GH. Also, if the Mavic mechanic had not screwed up the wheel change, Jens would have helped drive the break and GH would be in yellow. First the R-Sys wheels and now this… Mavic is having a tough year.

crash hat

Look, Hincapie went from 28th to 2nd today… Why is he so pissed? just a few years ago he wanted to be a gc rider! Now is your chance George! I’m not saying he’s going to win, but he could conceivably be top 10… Me thinks the lady doth protest to much.

Wheelsucker

Maybe they didn’t want the group to finish 10-15 min up so they kept it reasonable around 7 1/2 for the first 160k. There was another guy up there on GC from FDJ. GH is not a threat but the other guy can climb.

Wheelsucker

Hey Schmalz — next VDV interview, start by saying: “Hey, do you want to begin the interview now, or do you want to wait a couple minutes for George?”

Comedy gold – GOLD I tell ya!

Wheelsucker

George let the one guy go who would have been an ally and worked to bring someone else back go up the road alone. Then he spent 3k looking for help from guys like Bennati, Cliok, Maskant and Roche to keep the pace up.

Wheelsucker

That’s a very charitable account of events. Just wondering, did he pull over and do CPR on a baby bird also?

KaliDurga

Such opposing opinions today. Lance, Astana, Garmin &/or Columbia are dicks -or- GH just didn’t go for it the way he should’ve.

Either way, it’s the same result: Poor George. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Wheelsucker

We know that George Hincapie is good friends with Lance but is there something else to it. Jonathan Vaughters was on USPS also. Did George slight Jonathan at some time while on USPS? The evidence leans more towards Garmin not wanting George in the yellow jersey.

Conspiracy theorists awaken!

Wheelsucker

These quotes suggest that Garmin knows that they did it… but they’re trying to dodge the crap they’re getting. It was all part of the job. Nothing personal.

Brad Wiggins: “Todays events is sport, I dont make the decisions on the road. So to all the unsavoury messages I have recieved, Bollocks!”

Dave Zabriskie: “Pawns in their game…”

Rinaldo Nocentini (Ag2r-La Mondiale), race leader: “We had our guys riding at the front and then we saw Garmin put riders on the front. I don’t know why they did it. I didn’t speak to any of them, so I don’t know their reasons. But we didn’t mind at all. It helped me stay in yellow.”

White: “Me and George are good friends. It’s not something personal. We’re not out to ruin someone’s day in yellow. I’m here to look after the objectives of my team – that’s all I am interested in – whether it’s George or another Australian, I am looking out for my team and my sponsors, and to put Christian and Bradley Wiggins in best position on every stage.”

White: “There’s not a problem there at all between our team and Columbia. We are here to win the Tour de France. We’ve been caught out twice already, we didn’t want to make that mistake a third time.”

White: “It is unfortunate, but it’s my opinion we wouldn’t even be talking about it if it wasn’t George. If it was another rider, or another team or even someone else at Columbia. But we’re talking about it because George is American and he’s friends with the guys in team. But this was just the unfortunate consequence of guys riding at the front.”

West Coast Reader

Nice guys finish last, plain and simple.

Earn your Yellow George, remember the motto, “NO Gifts!”

Waa waaa waaaa, the teams rode hard and prevented Hincapie from getting a yellow jersey, yea that’s why they call it a race not a ride so Hincapie gets a Yellow jersey!

What’s with everyone’s statement that it would of been cool for him to get it? How about it would of been cool for him to earn it? Had he himself attacked he’d of had some company ASAP and the seconds to earn the jersey.

Since when is it up to some other team to let a rider get yellow?

I am glad the teams reeled him in and showed him the motto, “NO Gifts!”.

Wheelsucker

George is not buds with lance , wake up people he aint friends with any of his ex teammates , except those who are still making a buck off him

Wheelsucker

No gifts??? Reallly?? WTF! Nocentini has been celebrating Christmas everyday since stage 7!

Wheelsucker

Lance Armstrong and Garmin are mega aholes.

I despise LA but seriously the gap only got longer when Astana were at the front. And Garmin? Excuse me? It’s their option to come to the front and close the gap at any time. The do have two riders in the top 10 of the GC you know.

Wheelsucker

the gap would have went out a long way if lance did not ride tempo them ag2r would have had to ride tempo either way george has a better shot if astana does not roll the field

plus as tana gets to rest more

Wheelsucker

Go for the stage win George. Lay it on the line. Yellow for a day? Who cares! WAHWAHWAHWAHWAH. Stop crying!

Yeah we know the steering tube broke and cost you Paris Roubaix. You also cost yourself wins in Roubaix, Flanders, Benelux etc with questionable tactics not enough eating and waiting forever to attack until it was to late. yeah you’ve had a million bad flats,crap teams at the classics etc etc. So have 20 other guys.

You ever wonder why Hoste attacked and left you in the dust a couple years back at Flanders when you had great form? He got tired of waiting for you to attack.

crash hat

good thing Astana doesn’t have the yellow jersey or they’d have to ride at the front! Oh wait…

Wheelsuckla'

Look away, it didn’t happen. Lance didn’t get buried on the final climb, all is well.

Thanks in Advance,
Versus

Wheelsucker

It is pretty quiet around here. I told you all two weeks ago what would happen. All the drama these past weeks re Lance was in your minds!!

Wheelsucker

Good call, Wheelsucker!

“It is pretty quiet around here. I told you all two weeks ago what would happen. All the drama these past weeks re Lance was in your minds!!”

Wheelsucker

This is kind of a late post, but I can’t stop thinking about Saturday’s stage. WHile watching it all I could say to myself was “Jesus, George, the race is in front of you. Don’t let it ride away from you.” It was painful to watch him let the solo attack go and get caught up in cat/mouse games. Minutes after the race he’s on the tube whines about everyone else. “I would have won if . . . .” I thought I was reading a cat 4 race report on NYVC. So strange. But I guess his response makes perfect sense considering that he got his start in the CRCA.

Wheelsucker

contrary to earlier statement, I do think there is a picture somewhere of Hincapie winning sommerville in a toga skin suit….whether Toga was part of CRCA at that time, is another question.

Mr. Rope-A-Dope

Can’t vouch for Wheelsucker, but I’ve been pretty clear on my read. Won money on Lance cracking yesterday. Wait for the scenes of him being a loyal domestique starting in 5, 4, …

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