schmalz The more I talk to racers, the more it seems that the pro peloton is like a rolling version of high school. And since we’re making the high school comparison here, are there any feuds or disputes that you know of or are involved in personally? Do certain teams or individuals not get along? And do all the racers know about which guys or teams don’t like each other?

 

You don’t have to name any names (although, of course, that would be awesome), you can just describe the situations in a general way, and feel free to substitute the names of Smurfs or other cartoon characters for the real names if you have to.

 

And don’t try to play me and start some fake feud between you and Pate, because we all know you are BFFs.

 

creed To be honest, I can’t really think of much. Everyone has a vested interest in having a good amount of friends in the pack. Of course there are guys you don’t like for no real reason, just because of the way they talk or act. But you just avoid the person and figure you’re better off not knowing him. It really is like high school in the fact people will talk shit behind someone’s back, but never to their face. 

 

Although there was one case of a rider calling out a whole team on thier blog, then asking that team for job a few months later. That was pretty sweet. 

 

schmalz Interesting job hunting strategy, “I hate you, you should hire me.”

It seems that racers don’t have a problem when other guys beat them, but the trouble comes when guys step over the line and break some of the unwritten rules of the pack. What’s the quickest way to lose friends in the peloton?

 

creed Well, I think the quickest way would be to punch them. I’ve never liked anyone who punched me, which never happens because I’m quick like a fucking mongoose, and you can’t touch me. But anyone who has attempted to punch me, failed and woke up with fewer teeth, bank account drained and a missing wife.

 

Attacking in feed zones, after crashes and fighting excessively hard at unimportant times can get you on a lot of people’s lists. But in general there isn’t “that guy” in the pack, unless there is and I don’t know because I’m him…oh shit…

 

I will say the one thing that gets me is when teams want to line up and ride single file like a herd of elephants with 100k to go, they don’t have the yellow jersey and the pack is setting a medium tempo. It’s one thing when we’re racing all out and it’s easier and safer to be next to a teammate, but when there is no racing going on—let it go, man. Why the hell don’t we all race like then?, Every team has to line up and race in a line, you’re not allowed to lose a guy and you can’t break rank? Oh yeah, because that would be stupid, that’s why.

 

schmalz Who has tried to punch you? Why would anyone go after sweet little old Mike Creed? Was it something you said or did? Or were they jealous of how pretty you are? I get a lot of that…

 

Do racers resolve their issues with tactics during the race or immediately after the race? Or do they let things build up inside until they erupt in a furious slap fight in slippery shoes?

 

creed Nah, nobody tried to punch me…yet… 

 

Yeah, again like high school—nobody will say anything to each other, until there is a blow up, and then (pause) they still don’t talk to each other. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do anyone any good to scrap. You could get kicked out of the race or off your team, so it’s best not to. I mean, look how silly Bob J and Jerome whatever looked at the tour that one year.

 

And yes, I did say unfortunately because it would liven things up if fighting happened a bit more. Maybe you get 30 bonus seconds if you a call a guy out and win, and 1 min if you get called out and win. I’m writing the UCI right now. 

 

schmalz Have you ever noticed any of these blow ups affecting race tactics—for instance some guy chasing down someone he doesn’t like… Have you ever raced out of spite?

 

creed  Yeah. So, one time…..

 

I was racing one of my first stage races in Europe, it was a U-23 world cup and it was called Tryiptic Adrennes or something along those lines. It was the first stage and I was a nervous little pete. So when someone pointed out Andy Kashekin (Vino’s buddy) and said he was ranked number 1 in the world, well, I figured he must’ve been pretty good. He attacked a few times, and I was on him pretty hard every time. He started to get annoyed at this, so he attacks again and when he sees it’s me, he hits his brakes and I fly around him giving him the thumbs up. Again, 5k later almost same thing, he attacks I follow he sees me, and hits the brakes, but this time I slap the back of his helmet as I fly by.

 

I mean what the fuck? I can’t follow you? Get over yourself prick. I’m going to blast you if I get a chance, you’re number one, congrats, now deal with it.

 

So he doesn’t like the slap, we start yelling in English. Because, if your going to have a screaming match, you better do it in your native tongue. Aaron Olsen comes up and gets in-between, Kash calls us something like American amateurs. And Olsen, keeping the game going, calls him domo dumb ass. So while this is going on, I flat. I get this super beefy front wheel from the team car. The kind of wheel you would ride at Roubaix: 25 mil tire, steel looking rim, the whole gamut. So I catch back up and as we hit one of the longest climbs in the race, I see Kash. In fact, he is right in front of me. He had those really expensive lightweight wheels. Me, being the kind of person who runs off of stereotypes, I figured these cost him 6 months pay back in his mother land and what would be a better way to say hello then to break them?

 

So I wait for a not-so-fast part of the climb, we were going maybe 10 mph and a did the front wheel rear wheel slap. I slap his rear wheel so hard I turned my stem. He was out of the saddle when I did it, so it made him unclip and hit his chest to the bars. While I didn’t break the wheel, it sure pissed him off. By the way, we were in the first 10 guys, so 150 others got to see Kazak and American relations take a big step back. It ended with Pate getting in-between and with me threatening to make him the number one ranked boy toy.

 

So fast forward to the last day, Pate has the yellow jersey, one last climb and it’s 5k to the finish after that. I was pulling myself inside out for Pate, I was done. I could see the top, my job is done. I can relax. I started to drift back when I saw Kash attack right in front of me. He was a ways down on GC, so I could’ve let him go, but damned if I was going to let him win anything. When he looked back and saw me, I faked the biggest smile I could. I almost passed out doing it.

 

So yeah, fail for Kash. What ever happened to that guy?

 

schmalz Hilarious, I think Kash might be cleaning Vino’s pool? It’s funny how racers separate into separate little cliques—that don’t always follow team rosters. Do you have to keep track of which racers are friends (or enemies) so you can predict whether certain guys will work together or not?

 

creed Nah. At the end of it all, people have common goals: get off the front, pull the break back, spint or whatever. You’ll find yourself getting mad at your friends a bit, but it ends as soon as the race does.

 

schmalz Do you find that guys with similar riding skills seem to get more annoyed with one another? For instance, sprinters get upset at sprinters, climbers get upset with climbers, because they are trying to win the same sorts of races.

 

creed Nah… you’re crazy.  We don’t have time for stuff like this. You just assume people will do thier job; you don’t blame them for it. 

 

schmalz Crazy, yes, but not crazy enough to go after Kazaks with my front wheel. Are there certain guys out there that no one messes with, because either they are really respected or because guys are really afraid of them?

 

creed Emm, no patrons. But Rory gets a lot of respect. There is quite a bit of respect all around in the pack actually. 

 

schmalz So how do we get you up to patron status?

 

creed In the US pack? I don’t think you could. I guess Hincapie has a bit of that when he’s here. I would guess Lance will have it. If you pay me, I’ll try and get it for you. “Dude, repect Dan, he’ll fuck you up.”

 

schmalz Hmm, patron schmalz… That might be a tough sell. But I can tell you my first action as patron would be to make it illegal for people to beat me.

 

creed You would have to rule with a iron fist. You may need to beat someone up the first day. Right on the start line.

 

schmalz Ah, just like being in the joint.

 

creed Yeah, I think you could do it. Make Andy walk around with his hand in your rear pocket.