Stage 20

The Tour ends today. Usually this is a depressing thought for me every year, but this year it’s a relief. I just cannot take another day of anticipating the possible news that might pop up. I’m tired, and I’m glad it’s over.

I’ve been watching the Tour since Lemond’s first win, and I can’t remember a race that wore me out as much as this one. Between the doping controversies and the bickering between the ASO and UCI, I’ve just had enough. It seems like my favorite sport is dead set on putting itself into the crapper.

It seems like a good time to say our goodbyes for this Tour.

Goodbye to Razzy. A complete dick. I really don’t know where to start with Razzy. He was a classless leader whose teammates could barely stomach working for him. He could care less about anyone except for himself, and was willing to piss allover the reputation of the Tour and the sport. Catapult yourself from cycling. I hope one day to order a burger from you.

Goodbye to Vino. I’m so glad you decided to go “old school” and run to the blood bank to try and revive your Tour hopes. Every victory and attack you’ve ever made are now suspect. You’ve flushed your reputation down the crapper, and you are starting to say there’s a conspiracy afoot in regard to your positive test. I look forward to your 12 months of useless litigation.

Goodbye to the ASO/UCI bickering. Um, guys, hello? No one gives a crap who runs the races! Figure it out and shut up! Quit calling each other out in the press. Get behind closed doors and dance fight or Jello wrestle or do whatever it takes to get this worked out.

Goodbye to the perma-tenth of Chistophe Moreau. France’s great hope for the last 10 years fell to 37^th this year. Adieu, brave Cristophe!

Goodbye to the US sports media, who are for the most part, clueless about the Tour. They guffaw about how little they care about the race and then only pay attention to the Tour when it gives then the opportunity to hop on their high horses about doping. Well, they can jump up and bite me where the urine leaks my body, because guess what? We actually kick the cheaters and doper sout of our sport! Enjoy watching the home run record of the eminently classy Henry Aaron get surpassed by a guy whose hat and shoe sizes have INCREASED in his adult years, hmmm, nothing fishy there!

Goodbye to the endlessly replayed spots: “Born from Jets”, erectile dysfunction, DR Chipper, I will watch you all in my personal hell.

I so used to fast forwarding through Al Trautwig’ and Bob Roll, that if I ever actually meet then, I will expect to see them herk and jerk like I’m TIVO-ing right past them.

So, will Cadel try and get some time back today? Some think he might pull a “gentlemen’s agreement” thing and not contest the time bonuses, but that would just be preposterous. The race is still going on! He still has a chance. Ask Fignon how it feels to just miss winning the Tour. Cadel doesn’t want to go back to his tiny little house and ask himself, “What if?” Best to try everything you can, instead of living the regret of not trying.

Disco will of course be covering absolutely everything.

We’re at the start and the Boner is in green – so he can put a check in that box on his resume. He can also put a check next to “was the subject of a crap techno song” also.

We have two sprint bonuses today on the road, with 6, 4 and 2 second bonuses. Will Levi try and “Vino” Cadel and move up to second on GC? Will Cadel try and actually win the race? Will Predictor get confused when they have to lead out a different miniature Australian?

We are subjected to the full tedium that is the entire last stage of the Tour. Is there any event that starts and finishes duller than the Tour? Next year, let’s have a mountain top finish at the end! Perhaps they can build a Col out of smelly cheese in Paris for the stage?

Nothing going on yet, just Chateaus and horses. The sprint point is where the doping lab for the Tour is located; they leak the sprint winner early, of course.

A George Hincapie interview. Oy, Oakley is making these guys look like fools with the glasses they’ve been giving out. And of course, Paul just mentions that the geek goggles are for a charitable cause – expect that charity to soon disappear.

They show Levi’s car ride that cost him 10 seconds and second place. Mmmm. Spite.

Cadel interview. He plays it cool as to whether he’ll contest the bonus sprints. Yes, of course you’ll attack, Cadel, sure.

They interview VDV, he’s going to Slipstream next year along with David Millar. David can’t wait to get an argyle cod piece.

Cadel should be attacking now. He should be attacking in the hotel, in the bathroom, at the sign in, everywhere possible.

Drunk clown by the side of the road. I just always assume clowns are drunk, if you were a clown, would you be sober?

Steegmans takes the mountain points and takes the cash prize, that will buy the Boner a floor mat for his Bentley. It will force Agritubel to sleep head to toe in their Paris hostel tonight.

A little rain out there today. Frankie shows us a team car, where do they keep the mousse?

We’re still in the “smile and wave” section of the Tour. If Toto were here, he would be shamelessly hogging the moto shots – Lord, I miss him.

They’re dumping all the unseen Frankie spots, he just chugged the team bus toilet chemicals on a bet.

We’ll soon see if Cadel plans on racing today. Quick Step out front, working for Contador.

They should do a recap of the best shots of roadside idiots hitting the dirt running alongside the race.

Here comes the first sprint, Cadel not contesting. Way to go down swinging. Bernard Hinault just spit on a podium girl in disgust.

If it comes down to a sprint, will Zabel finish second? Will Cadel sue him?

Contador having champagne, attack, Cadel!

60K to go, getting to Paris now. Disco riding at the front of the race.

Here they are, onto the Champs. George leading Disco. You can almost hear Cadel whimper from here.

Nothing going on until 37K to go.

Bichot from Agritubel attacks, as his DS has promised to try and get them into Barloworld’s post Tour party if they win.

Horner attacks in the gutter. He gets pulled back. Valverde jumps – remember him?

Bichot caught – looks like Agritubel will be serving shrimp skewers at the Disco party tonight.

Hopefully they have that same “sprint cam” on the Champs again this year. That footage of Thor SMASHING last year was awesome.

Lance is in the announcing water closet with Phil and Paul.

There’s a break away – no one compelling except for Flecha. Cadel still hasn’t attacked. Why did I bother to think he would?

The intermediate sprint bonus has passed. Hinault looks disgustedly at the TV monitor.

I would love to see Flecha win today. Apparently Lance does too. Tempted to say this might the first thing I know we agree about, besides our shared love for 80’s Frisbee head bands.

It’s a little wet out. The gap is coming down. 10-ish k to go.

For some reason we see George and Levi spotlights.

It seems that the power might’ve gone out – was Razzy near the power cords?

Lampre working for Bennati with 1k to go. Cadel crying on Horner’s shoulder.

Could be a Thor SMASH day. C’mon Thor!

Thor sitting third SMASH!

Hunter jumps on the left. Bennati goes and moves Thor SMASH off of his line! Bastard!

He barely beats Thor SMASH!

Contador wins the Tour. Cadel follows. Oy.