Tour day schmalz stage 17

by Aaron

Section head text.

Stage 17

Tour day schmalz index here

I just turned the TV on, and I see Floyd by himself – is he up or down? I just read up to the latest on cyclingnews. Floyd is off the front trying to get to the break, and he has about 3 minutes on the pack. YEEEESSS! If he stays away it will be an absolute miracle and I will be forced to overturn my neighbor’s car in celebration.

Floyd looks good so far, 111K to go. That’s a looooong TT. C’mon Floyd, shovel that sewage!

Floyd interview from yesterday:

Q:What do you do to deal with this at this point?

FL: Er… I don’t know… drink some beers! (laughs) That’s what I’m thinking about now!

Excuse me now while I wipe a tear from my eye.

Did anyone not like Floyd after his post race interview yesterday? He was smiling! He was upset but it didn’t crack him, just great. I’m going to have to start stalking him, I think.

OLN showed the Lance “bad day” footage from I think it was, 2000. The implication being that Lance had a bad day but battled through it and held on. Is Lance in charge of programming those things?

By being away, Floyd also has the team car right there so he doesn’t have to worry about not getting bottles from teammates, because, um, yesterday that didn’t work so well.

I may not be able to get any work done today.

It’s all or nothing today, if Floyd holds, he will be a legend. I would imagine there would be spontaneous fromage sculptures constructed all throughout the country.

I have to say that if Floyd pulls this off, it would be the greatest stage I’ve ever seen. Well, the Lemond win in the TT was great, too. But this is a road stage. C’mon Floyd!

If he wins this Tour will it be more memorable than all of Lance’s victories? So Floyd’s planning on doing basically 157Ks of TT including Saturday.

Floyd’s at the group, who will help? Floyd goes right to the front. Will Padrnos help him out? Not likely – not if he ever wants to be heard from again. Garate seems like a good ally to have. If you were with Floyd at the end of this stage, would you sprint him for the win? Would you then pull off your mask and reveal yourself as the devil?

It’s good he caught on the climb as he can knock some guys out. Halgand still off the front. Sinkewitz sitting on Floyd’s butt in order to keep his job.

Padrnos falling off despite the voice in his ear saying, “Catch Floyd or you’re going to T-Mobile.”

The Phonak DS is just tossing tote bags out of the car like a lunatic, looking for help wherever he can get it.

Bam Margera – acting. Thespians everywhere – weeping.

Caisse d’ Crapbag chasing in the group behind.

Floyd has to ride three guys off of his wheel. There’s a Toto at the end of the field shot – just for kicks. Lampre has won enough money; he can afford to pay the fines for showing the guns.

The pack is letting Caisse chase, which is good as they couldn’t catch a cold sore from Paris Hilton.

So for the next couple of hours or so, I will eschew leaving the TV, which will be difficult as I am full of coffee.

Halgand has 38 seconds; he should help out if Floyd catches him, no?

Flowmax spot – very soothing when you’re trying to avoid going to the bathroom.

On the climb Floyd drops O’Grady and Padrnos, he is a mother animal.

Caisse still chasing, still no tingle on their upper lips.

Lelangue interview – he says he has a car full of tote bags and we’ll do whatever it takes to raise enough for this pledge drive.

Floyd gets a new bike – I missed it – stupid bladder!

The two CAs should work with Floyd, it’s not like they have won anything so far.

A shot of the field, everyone has a “what do we do now” look on their face. 5:40 to Floyd at the front.

Seems Floyd just switched bikes, maybe a lighter bike? Floyd cruising, Halgand looking more and more French.

Sinkewitz is hanging with Floyd. More commercials, each spot makes me want to reenact a Graceland-style shooting scene.

Field losing time to Floyd, Floyd casually flips his hand up for a water bottle, cool as a g-damn cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

Kloden radios up to Sinkewitz, telling him to dive into Floyd’s spokes.

6:45! Explicative!

Lemond just emailed Lance a photo of his ass.

The Dyno-mite Mennonite is almost back in the lead!!! I almost can’t take this!!

I’m hoping the field gets caught by the tourists behind and gets neutralized.

Shouldn’t Sinkewitz pull through? He is on T-Mobile after all?

They cross the summit 66K to go.

Lance calling his lawyer, asking for an infringement suit, as he’s patented “ the bike comeback.”

If Floyd wins here, Americans will love him, if he loses the French will love him – it’s a win-win!

French desperately search Landis genealogy for gallic descent.

Caisse still trying to chase, Ag2r hasn’t even sniffed the front yet. At the top of the climb, Floyd is virtual yellow! Double explicative!

Sinkewitz gets a “speed gel.”

He pack can’t bring him back as they aren’t used to these things called “attacks.” Floyd is marking the race like a dog marks a hydrant.

If Floyd crosses the line and weeps, the French will adore him, if he puts on Capri pants and opts for a wispy moustache, he’ll be elected President.

Lance on the Yellow Jersey. Who’s he again?

Voigt on the front now, it’ll get serious now. Hoping Jens isn’t successful for the first time. How’s Briske going to take this one?

Bladder stretching.

Suitcase of courage? Fanny pak of moxie? Man purse of determination?

It’s Jens vs. Floyd right now. Sorry Jens, I’ve got to go with the septic tank whirlwind.

Talking to Robbie Ventura, I expect him to skip and squeal with glee if Floyd pulls this off, followed by grab of his crotch an a request for Carmichael to “coach this!”

Floyd’s power numbers – I get lactic acid just reading them.

Ag2r riding behind Caisse, not pulling through. Universal order restored.

Was Lance Armstrong a character on “Guiding Light?”

What do Bobby Knight and Charo have to do with car insurance?

CSC chasing, pack at 7:58. I hoping Jens gets the runs.

If you were one of Floyd’s teammates, how would you ask for a split of the money if he won? Would you fax him?

T-Mobile at the front now. Floyd has morphed from Lance to Moreau to Vino.

Has Briske chased at all? I saw Jens and VDV. Perhaps he will have “stomach problems” today.

Joux Plane coming up, this stage may very well kill me, the suspense is so thick you could chew it.

Sinkie dropping, CSC done, T-Mobile at the front. This is almost unbearable.

Phone ringing, let’s just go ahead and ignore that…

Sweat pouring off of Floyd, knock it off, Jens!

Peloton at 6:19, on the climb now. Boogerd coming to the front, “Dolly get your dinner.”

Schleck driving, dropping Koden. Levi dropping the Freaky Friday switch with Floyd is over.

Sastre goes off the front, does Sastre rhyme with “bastard?” How’s your TT, Carlos?

Razzy trying to push Menchov but he can only carry one arm for him.

Moreau pushing, I’m mentally willing him to become old Moreau again.

6:10 Floyd holding. I may not even to be able to dig up any more snarkiness for this stage.

Commesso asks the team car for a rub and tug. There – snarkiness restored.

Moreau still off the front of the pack attacking Dessel, is he trying out for T-Mobile?

Let me just pause and say, ”Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!”

Schleck back to the group, T-Mobile pulling Pereiro back up.

Can a drunken Dutchman please get in Sastre’s way?

Mic check for the Andreas Kloden Explosion?

5:44 to Sastre, c’mon Carlos, Beloki, Julich, Beloki, Julich…

French riders climbing with the efficacy of the Maginot Line.

Floyd almost to the top. 15K to go. C’mon Sastre, Juuuu-lich! Juuuuu-lich! Hex! Hex!

Ooof, man bikini in a Sastre shot!

The Andreas Kloden Explosion turns on the amps.

Pereiro gets up to ride a little. Sastre at 5:30. Floyd kicking ass. Who’s your elder, Carlos!? Who’s your elder!?

The top is almost in sight. We can see the head.

Floyd’s wife? That’s a new one.

Floyd crosses the summit, grabs his crotch and says, “I got your panache right here!!”

Boogerd trying to revive Menchov, encourages him to “vote for Pedro.”

Clock ticking at the top of the hill. Floyd descending like a bat out of Pennsyl-tucky.

Pereiro pulling the T-Mobile train.

Sastre at 5:07 at the summit.

After seven years, we finally have a bike race!

The Andreas Kloden Explosion starts their jazz odyssey.

5K to go. This descent is going to empty my colon.

Almost there…

YYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sprint!

Best. Stage. Ever.

Merckx, Coppi, Landis, he’s a g-damn legend now!

Tick tock time. They should show the tapes of the last two stages to every non-cycling fan, they should show them in schools, churches, courtrooms…

Dessel hits the dirt on the descent.

Here comes Sastre. He needs 6:00 to beat Floyd; he lost time on the descent! 5:41-ish.

Pereiro crosses the line and keeps the jersey, now I have to go and get a jack to tip that car!!!

Bring on the TT!!

112 Comments

Incident on 33rd. Street

I have always wanted other Discovery/Postal riders to win with Lance. No one deserved a chance more than Hincapie, and he won the queen bitch stage 15. After that, Rubiera should get the next shot.

That said, it was another champion (Savodelli) who powered to the win today

THE BEST EVER

Anyone who says this is not the best tour ever is crazy — every rider seems so human, guys cracking, dudes making up 30 mminutes, landis is an F….ing STUD……I hope he CRUSHES THE TT

Niko

Without question the best tour stage in my lifetime – this is Greg L in 1989 x 100 They should toss the favorites EVERY year just for the hell of it even if they didn’t take dope

Anonymous

I only read on the online play but play but holy shit. Must get drunk enough tonight to black out my memory and watch it for real. Its like the drama of the 1980 olympic hockey team winning but spread over 3 hours. Best commentary ever too, there must be a good 10 T-shirts in the making out of that one.

K King- VB

Phonak couldn’t have asked for more. One day the guy cracks and spends an extra 10 minutes in front of the camera going up hill slower than I do. The next he rides 160K by himself.

I’d say Discovery F’d up letting this guy get away. The best they could do was Pardnos getting dropped from the break 100K out.

mikem

make a shirt out of the american gothic crop-job. i’ll buy. …schmalz, when you paused and said "aah," did you wet yourself?

mikem

this puts a lot of pressure on the phonak mechanics NOT to screw up floyd’s TT ride this time around. 3rd time’s the charm…

lee3

One guy against 3 teams and he crushed them!! I loved his reaction to winning the stage. Sheer friggen focus. Hey, I wrote that this would happen yesterday! Do I get a star on the four head?

etsu

Lance who?
The French media criticizing for Floyd’s lack of panache? They need to go fill up his water bottles and put cream on his chamois. Wow

AA

That was amazing to see….and I’m not talking about Floyd but the about face that Schamlz did in reference to TT’s. I think he’s actually gonna watch it. I bet Dan is out at this very moment buying a dedicated TT bike and IM’ing Andy for TT tips.

Anonymous

Talk about irony if Pereiro could hold on and Floyd gets 2nd overall. If you were CSC and Caisse d’ Crapbag would you team up to make tomorrow as fast as possible to keep Floyd from recovering?

"keep floyd from recovering"?

No way, their guys will have to recover too. I doubt sastre and Pererro will be in any condition to ride hard tomorrow. CSC and the magically medicated T-Mobiles might have some neat recovery aids tho

jon hicks

parallel to LeMond and Indurain in 1990 in the final mountain stage dropping the hammer on Chiappucci when he had the yellow jersey. it set up LeMond for the TT win and the yellow jersey. but that is a pale comparison to what Floyd did today. unreal. can’t wait to see it tonight. will be permanantly saved on DVR, video, etc.

Neu

Wow, just great, what a rider! I was going back and forth btw velonews and cyclingnews to see who had the latest update. Panache, Lancaster County style.

Yep, Lee you get big credit. You called what most figured was impossible.

Alan Atwood

I’ve got two words for ya………….

HOLY SH!T!!!!!!!!

Game on!

Pray for me that my Sprint modem works on Saturday when I’m at Owasco timing the TT. How in the hell am I supposed to work under these conditions?

I am watching it for the 2nd time on OLN

It actually gets better….Landis looks so pissed and fired up at teh end, I think he is actually going to CRUSH dudes on Saturday…….I agree after 7 years, this is so refreshing

jesus perera

this is incredible!!!!!!!! i could not belive it after yesterday.what a race!!!!! bigggg cojones!
go for it landis on Sat!!!!!!!!

Genius from Texas

Genius – waiting for the book signings and the guest appearance on OLN. Sherwin has Ligget, Bobke needs Schmalz. Frankie sucks, replace him.

Anonymous

Overlooked within all this – Commesso 29th coming in ahead of all the Discos. Disco needs some boom boom and Toto’s guns might be the answer.

lee3

Cervelo already has the Shleck victory posted front and center on all or most of thier web ads. BMC will do the same with Floyd hopefully, however, he looks pretty pissed off and quite frankly the msg may read like "Buy this bike or this guy will kick yer arse!!"
I love it!!! Floyd will slay’em all in the ITT. I bet that T-mobile attacks on the last stage.

Podium: Floyd
Cadel
Kloden

Its pretty close between Cadel and Andreas. They could possibly swap steps since Kloden seems to be TT’ing well this year. Cadel has always been good @ the ITT though.

to I am watching it for the 2nd time on OLN

You won’t be saying that if Pereiro or Sastre holds on to win.

Without the last 2 stages this was like the Vuelta.

Lets face it accept for last year Lance did some crushing of his own.

Baldwin

MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS MY NAME IS FLOYD LANDIS

lee3

The only riders still in this thing that are good @ the Crono is Cadel and Kloden. Pereiro is sort of an unknown however, he will not have the guns to keep the jersey and quite possibly fall way down the leader board on a 57k ITT.

ewe idiot

I’m going to try to grow a moustache so I can look like Floyd. Did you see the shot of ‘TOTO’ painted on the road? I think I’m going to paint that on the road in front of my apartment.

Alex

Next year we have to get Dan a live feed so he can do some kind of live audio an we can mute our TVs, he is getting better every year. I dunno why no one has stolen him from us.

tango

no question – single greatest stage since lemond/hinault and lemond/fignon – landis is godlike – best tour since the 80’s – no question – finally a bike race!!

tango

no question – single greatest stage since lemond/hinault and lemond/fignon – landis is godlike – best tour since the 80’s – no question – finally a bike race!!

Andy

Anthony, hell will freeze over before Schmalz asks me for a bike related tip. Except for wrenching. He’s hopeless at that.

Riis is a skeezy hooker..

"I demand an explanation!!" says the man who immaculately bleach cleans his team’s needles before throwing them away…skeezy morning pastry ho..

schmalz

I think if you read the whole Bjarne quote, he doesn’t sound like he’s calling Floyd out:

Bjarne Riis

Anonymous

Riis su**ks. Maybe he should explain why his team leader is tossed but he still has a job. He knows all about everything except that his team leader goes to Spain to get doped up!

Tourwatcher

Most amazing ride in many years of tour watching! I’m naming my next child ‘Floyd’…..boy or girl. Great commentary Schmaltz.

lee3

This morning it was mentioned by Paul or Phil that Landis had a press conference the evening after his stage implosion. It was determined that he didnt just bonk out. I believe the term "heat stroke" was thrown around. So there’s Riis’ expanation given to’em without difficulty. I guess heat strokes dont kill the legs.

K King- VB

Even if he didn’t mean anything by it he should know better…..casual fans and outsiders will look at that quote and say "yeah, how’d he do that, must be dope"

He’s the DS, CSC waited too long to help Pereiro. 9 minutes! Once Landis caught the 1 st break in such a short time they should have realized the previous day was a fluke and got to it. I think Riis knows it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. He’s just too much of a dick to give Landis credit for a great ride.

Not only that

…..but the great Bjarne Riis would never want to admint he made a mistake by letting Floyd stay out there for so long…..I mean, he is the best DS out there…..he’s just being a sore is loser……woe is you Bjanre..woe is you.

😉

lee3

Yea…with Phonak’s not so squeaky clean past, that statement could be easily taken out of context. He should know better.

Andy

I don’t know if you can call it a mistake. I think everyone expected Floyd to crack a bit more on the last climb. CSC got Voigt and VandeVelde to pull like crazy before the Joux Plane, and Sastre put time into everyone else. Floyd was just too good.

As far as doping insinuations, I’d look at powerhouse teams that are underperforming.

lee3

….especially with the lightning rod French! They’re always lookin for a angle to bring down all things not French!

chris y

"Lemond just emailed Lance a photo of his ass"
all the flow max in the world couldn’t stop me from PISSING MY PANTS!!…when I read that

BOO RACE RADIOS.......HOORAY BEER!

imagine how time floyd would have gotten if the peloton were not allowed to use race radios….

KaliDurga

Did anyone else notice during the OLN extended post-race coverage that Al and Bobke were left speechless once Floyd crossed the finish? A good three minutes went by with nothing but the occasional, sputtered single-word comment. Any rider who can cause dead air time on OLN damned well deserves to win the Tour.

lee3

The radio advantage goes both ways. I’m sure Floyd recvd info on who headed the chasing, the whereabouts of the team car, of Halgand, that spoke issue went pretty smooth, and he got splits just like that useless chase.

Faber

Props to Bobke and Trautwig (For once). Roll for Calling Liggett to the carpet when in response to Trautwig’s entreaty for a glimmer of hope for Floyd Phil said "No Way". Bob said hell yes way!!. As I watched Floyd slice and dice his way down the hill on the way to bridge the breakaway I said to myself it doesn’t get better than this and then Trautwig (like a freak mind reader) says the exact same thing. Al is starting to get the hang of this bike racing thing. The silence was deafening in the final 5k. I kept thinking they were about to go to yet another commercail break that never came. Yeahhhh Beeeer!

RG

Dude, I’ve been reading your Tour posts since last year. The "Who’s your elder?" bit of snarkiness was the best to date. Laugh out loud funny.

Oh, and yeah. This was the freakin’ best stage of any race, anywhere. I was freaking out so bad this morning (California time) it took me almost half an hour to dig my dog out from under my bed. Vive le Landis!!

mikem

faber, i have to grudgingly agree (though i haven’t seen yesterday’s stage yet) that trautwig is improving. i think he called rasmussen’s shot the other day, pre-stage, and has shown a few times that he has more than just a dim glimmer of understanding of what’s going on, finally. the eurosport announcers were speechless yesterday, too–they just ran out of stuff to say. so damn cool!! …and i agree that the "who’s your elder" bit is priceless–put it on the t-shirt with the american gothic picture. perfect.

mandrapa

good quote from that o’grady guy at velonews:

Then, at a press conference on Thursday, after Landis chased down an 11-man breakaway, killed them and ate them, built a new bicycle out of their bones, and roared away in a pillar of fire to win the stage to Morzine and jump back to within 30 seconds of the yellow jersey, he mentioned beer once again.

mandrapa

I also loved the part where you said they should show the tape of the last two stages in classrooms, courtrooms, etc. That was classic

Katie

For whoever asked, the "whose your elder" comment is a parody of "whose your daddy" except using the term for a bishop in a Mennonite church. – so it’s a "Mennonite taunt" for the riders he bested.

Anonymous

i wish they would have kept razzy in the tour until this time trial- that would have added some comedy to the tour and we would all get to enjoy schmalz’s snarktastic analysis of this TT skillzz

g.g.

or TiVo, I guess it is. . . the spoiler was inadvertent.
et, l’andalou, c’est le chien, pas le coureur, imbecile. . .
au revior.

Anonymous

I don’t think it matters that it was unintentional; I think a harsh rebuke is a good reminder to be vigilant.

So, Mr Anti-Spoiler, please go flagellate yourself. Because with your yapping and two other posts on this board, I’ll bet you $100 I know who won the stage. And I specifically didn’t pull up that picture in case it spoiled it.

So unless that was some deep meta-ironic $hit, you just did to me what GG did to you.

g.g.

. . .it was an unfortunate disconnect with the world at large. Really didn’t know I was spoiling anything. Andy, Dan, why don’t you pull that post? I don’t want any more love letters from TiVoids.

Rick

How stupid is it to not want to know the winner of a bike race, then go look at a cycling website? Is it really that impossible to not look at NYVC for a few hours?

Anonymous

g.g: do you understand the concept of ‘no spoilers’?
Do not give away the name of winner of the day’s stage.
Yes, that would include leaving a link to a pic of the winner captioned: “XXXX looked pretty banged up, but recovered well to win the stage.”
Fuck you.
Also, are we supposed to be impressed by your knowledge of Salvador Dali/ Luis Bunuel cinematic collaborations?
Because I certainly am not.
Maybe if the winner of the stage were from Andalusia. That would be clever. Titling your post ‘andalusian dog’ would then make sense. But the winner is not from Spain, but from….
Now. See what i did there? I stopped myself from potentially ruining someone’s enjoyment of tonight’s stage.
And again, fuck you.

Anonymous

anybody else see casar and the liquigas dude ram into the dog?? that was friggin narly..liquigas fell hard. like really hard.

vinophile

I am glad to see Vino continuing with his ill-advised, futile, and most likely final attack. Keep fighting, Vino, mebbe they’ll f-ck up the B sample! Attack!

710

And Bobby Julich aka Sean Penn’s sultry insouciance is almost too much to bear. Ripped straight of the cover of Tiger Beat magazine. He’s staring right through me.

Anonymous

it’s still a great race. these guys getting caught is the sport going through growing pains and cleaning itself up. if you can’t appreciate that or schmaltz’s hilarious commentary, then you’re a dolt

Anonymous

I agree 100% – I want Hopeful Friday, the Hangover, and all that is local cycling. Who cares about this years Tour de big steaming pile of shit.

Angry Guy

Where is hopeful Friday?! I hate all these doping cheats and liars. When teams are run by ex-pros like Riis, Bruyneel, etc is it any wonder that their riders cheat? No!

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