Stage 15

Tour day schmalz index here

Alpe d’ Huez day, so we’re going to have to wade through the tribute and history stuff before we get to the racing. 21 turns, Fausto Coppi and such. I wonder if they dig up that ding-dong who bumped Guerini off of his bike and interview him every year there’s a Alpe d’ Huez stage, he was almost the Steve Bartman of mountain spectating idiots. I would also do a live remote from the drunken Dutch disco corner on the Alpe, but that’s just me.

The usual early suicide break of 25 away, George is in there, as is Briske as they get to the I’zoard, they have 4:20 on the field. Voeckler is getting dropped already from the main pack. France decides to start seeing other people.

Rujano jumps from the group the catch the break; he could be the Joe C to Floyd’s Kid Rock.

Lance on the I’zoard. “Um, don’t remember ever doing it. I still get paid for this spot, correct?”

Boonen looking awful at the back of the race. Just 198K to go and two HC climbs ahead. Do you want the punch in the neck or the crotch?

Guys popping off of the front group like balloons in the hands of a drunken clown.

Garzelli attacking to knock out some competition. Briske cracking.

Looking for the cartoon genitals drawn on the road today, a Tour tradition – along with passing out and vomiting in your camper van.

Lance is in the country, can we get an interview from Frankie? No? Why not? How about Lance with the Hummer?

“I dunno, it looks like Jesus, only a lot heavier.”

Oof, looks like some European men are keeping the fine tradition of the “banana hammock.”

Here’s the Lance Hummer meeting. Lance doesn’t mention Floyd at all. Curious.

OK, that’s it – no more Lance interviews. They are just not worth it.

73K to go group of 18 at the front – even Briske and George are back. Race is busting up behind, but they should cluster a little on the descent. Peloton at 4:51 or so. Now we wait for the Alpe.

Flecha has made the front group; Commesso must really be bummed from his loss the other day as he missed his opportunity to follow his favorite Spanish choo choo train.

Briske gets the sprint bonus and 6 seconds. Briske’s buying the burritos tonight.

Cadel Evans spotlight coming up, collarbone, collarbone, collarbone… What? No mention of how he’s broken his collarbone about 7 times in the last four years. Insert standard “Evans looks like an elf” statement here.

Floyd has a teammate go to the front of the pack to help chase. The race trembles.

We’re on the cat 2 climb now. Flecha cracking – he needs a little Toto, but don’t we all?

Sprinters grinding up the hill. Commesso strapping himself to nearest thin fellow.

Peloton at 4 minutes. Vila and De La Fuente off the front. Coming to an uphill sprint soon, will look for guys whizzing and crashes until then.

The Boner is out. Belgium doesn’t weep, but is a little choked up. Tom will have to wipe his tears with the Rainbow jersey and console himself with winning the freakin’ Tour of Flanders. How will he survive?

Subaru is still using Sheryl Crow’s song. Maybe she should call Flowmax also, but I imagine STYX has then on their speed dial by now. “Come sail away” perhaps?

It’s raining, crash watch, Evans collarbone watch.

So, how bad do you think Didi the devil smells? A paunchy German in the same red suit day after day, with no access to a washing machine…

There’s your whizzing shot right there, thank you Mazzoleni! Skillz.

Frankie doing a spot from the Drunk Dutch corner. They douse him with water and dance around as if they are at a Human League concert.

Jens and Briske probably working for Schleck. Vila and Cunego working also. Cunego has a good shot at the win today, but Simoni’s not up there to stick it to, so he my not be very motivated.

Peloton at 3:21, gap to Toto, a fortnight.

Briske still working, he’s so aero; he travels back in time :0001 seconds with every pedal stroke.

At the base if the Alpe, a Lance spot.

Briske finished pulling; he will join the Dutch for a beer.

George still in this group – almost forgot that.

Cunego keeps attacking at the front.

Dessel has bike problems. De la Fuente looking bad.

George not in the front group anymore.

Cunego “The little prince” still attacking. Man, do the Euros know how to give nicknames!

Landis has a teammate working for him. Minor miracle there.

Schleck hanging in with the Little Prince.

Menchov up to Floyd. Kessler at the front of the pack, let’s see if Kloden blows up today.

Levi hanging in. Menchov dropping, he needs Boogerd to strap on the moon boots and dance his way with him to the finish.

Kloden, Evans and Floyd together.

Mazzoleni making his way to Cunego and Schleck at the front

Floyd jumping from Evans and Kloden. Yee-haw!

Paul says Jens Voigt has 200 kilograms of courage. I usually ride with 20 pounds of spite.

The crowd has “thunder sticks” at the side of the road. Who will get whacked with one of those first?

Evans dropped like a bag of kitty litter. Landis and Kloden together now. Levi and Sastre moving up to Floyd and Kloden.

We’re entering the drunker section of the course.

Axel may drop back to Floyd to help out. Floyd jumps again, surprises Axel, and almost knocks Levi off of his skates.

Norwegian idiot his the dirt on the climb, almost knocks out the leaders.

A shot of Moreau suffering, just for old times sake.

Floyd and company getting to George. George dropped.

My sources tell Bran de Groot is out! He will lose the mullet jersey. It’s just the Russians left now.

Axel setting the pace for Floyd. 5K for the leaders. Sweet child of mine!

Floyd’s group about 1:40 behind.

Kloden attacks. Floyd prances easily up to him. Sastre prancing also to catch. No prancing from Levi yet.

Cunego and Schleck get some alone time at the front now.

The GC guys are starting to swing at each other like blind drunks at closing time.

These are the races that are very annoying to watch with anyone who hasn’t been following the Tour, as they don’t know why it’s a big deal to keep an eye on the chasing groups. Plus, they don’t realize the importance of seeing Toto’s guns out. I have two daughters – why do you ask?

4K to go. I’d have to favor Cunego for the win over Schleck if they stay away. Sastre gets back to Floyd and Kloden, still no prancing from Levi.

Menchov drops Evans. Kloden pulling to hurt Sastre. Boonen showering.

Kloden sporting the Breathe Right Strip, did those things ever work?

3K for the leaders, they’re through the drunks and into the barriers.

Menchov looks like he’s just aged 40 years. Razzy up to Menchov to help out. Floyd and Kloden about a minute back. Mazzoleni drops back to help Kloden, just kidding! He gets popped of the front. T-Mobile, we put the “me” in “team.”

Schleck attacks Cunego, I have a soft spot for Luxembourg, so here’s hoping Frankie gets it.

Cunego reacts like a goldfish on the carpet.

Mazzoleni might actually be helping Kloden now. Not too late or anything…

Luxenbourg! Luxenbourg! Luxenbourg! If Schleck pulls this off, the Arch Duchy will party very reservedly tonight, maybe have some punch. It is Luxembourg, after all.

Cunego tries to get back in the fishbowl.

Schleck zips up and wins it! Luxembourg pats the sweat off it’s brow with a silk handkerchief.

The Little Prince will be second.

Floyd and company coming to the line. Garzelli there – was he completely forgotten or what?

Garzelli takes third. Let’s go on the Evans/Menchov death watch, shall we?

Pereiro still out there, he loses the yellow by about 10 seconds.

Moreau finishing, defending tenth is a constant battle. George and Popo finishing, Lance will not let them have dessert tonight.

Floyd ahead of the guys who matter by about 2 minutes, Levi up to ninth, Moreau down to eleventh!

Floyd presented the yellow, Toto still hasn’t finished.