Prologue

Tour day schmalz index here

So here we are day one of the Tour de Leftovers, Operation Puerto has knocked out a bevy of contenders, so basically everybody now has a shot. Moreau could even reach beyond himself to seventh place! Get ready France!

OLN decides to give the lance-a-holics one last leg pump by saying Lance is gone. Now the rest of the US riders get a dream lens treatment. They actually describe George as the Robin to Lance’s Batman – very flattering. A young boy in tights and green briefs? That’s me!

OLN popped for a Who song, “Who are you?” this year is the thirtieth anniversary of the Who selling out. OLN is still bothering with that whole “Cyclism” thing. Almost as played out as THOR WILL SMASH!

Operation Puerto is getting on my nerves already, we now can look forward to three weeks of second hand reports from hung over reporters trying to figure out the Spanish legal system – super! Plus, we get to hear Bob Roll say things like affidavit!

We will now have one of the dullest send offs in sport – the prologue!

They now feel obligated to profile Cadel Evans, if he crashes out of the Tour, the world will feel like a more normal place.

Due to the magic of Tivo, I will forgo the rest of the USA preview. Oh, wait there’s Briske, not quite drunk. He’s the most aero man in the world! Sure, Brad Pitt is the sexiest man alive, but Briske is the most aero! Take that pretty boy!

David Millar interview, I learned nothing, but I’m not dumber – let’s call that a draw.

Twenty-three minutes in and we see bike racers. Have the Cervelos won every TT in the grand Tours this year? Do they even need to advertise those bikes anymore?

Contenders today: Briske, Millar, George, and any sprinter wanting to grab yellow in the first week.

Wow, Frankie is on the OLN broadcast team. I wonder if he will be interviewing Lance if he comes to the Tour, that wouldn’t be awkward…

Is Stuey going for the green jersey I wonder?

Oof, TTs, so dull… I’m actively ignoring the goofy contest with the code word “Cyclism.”

So, they are going to interview Lance throughout the Tour I guess. How do Phil and Paul announce these TT stages? It’s like announcing a melting glacier. I will now travel through time through the magic of Tivo. Popo is on the course, along with Bobby Julich and his egg beaters.

Chavanel begins his quest to be the not worst French rider. Popo coming in with a time. Another Briske profile, no wait, it’s Tom Boonen or as I like to call him, “The Boner.”

Chavanel down by 18 seconds – he came to play!

Cervelo commercial – Mr White’s accent is high comedy. Oot of sight! Here’s the Briske spotlight – again. Didn’t they do this for the preview?

So OLN is running billiards now, another shot for the bi-polar network. Beaver shootin’, fishin’, hockey and bike racing, why not throw billiards in the mix?

Another Lance spot. HE IS NOT IN THE RACE! God almighty, let it go OLN, Lance isn’t here! They are killing me!

OK, enough, I’m going two arrows on Tivo unless someone crashesorthey are Thor THOR WILL SMASH!

I guess Lang is leading, don’t think that time will last. Companies I will hate by the time the Tour is over: Saab, American Century, and that’s it so far.

Salvodelli has tied the best time so far. That three leader thing will work wonders for Disco, just ask Walter Grodefort. Millar starts the prologue. Drugs, drugs, drugs, there let’s not mention it any more.

Bradley Wiggins starts the only stage he has a shot at. Salvodelli doesn’t get it.

Let the SMASHING begin! Thor on the course.

Floyd misses his start time – are you kidding me? Probably drops a few seconds, nothing major. Was he doing Jello shots with Briske?

Thor has best intermediate time. SMASH!

David Millar doesn’t win. Nine seconds off. Um, at least he’s clean…

Valverde on the course. Levi begins his short program.

Thor is in at first place. Um, can you say SMASH? Let’s see the Boner do that!

Floyd eight seconds slower, file that under whatever, it’s the prologue.

Here’s Moreau on the course, seventh place awaits. Briske starts. Valverde third. SMASH! SMASH!

David Zabriske “The most aerodynamic man in the peloton”, I wonder if we’ll hear that again? George starts. He may lay off to not get the jersey. That bodes well for Thor SMASH! SMASH!

Cunego has no shot here. Floyd 6th. Someone is still SMASHING…

Evans finished unscathed. A victory in itself. Briske a second slower than Thor at the check. SMASH!

Levi executes a triple lutz, but it’s not enough. SMASH!

I am hoping for a Thor interview. He speaks English very well, which is disappointing, as I would love for him to have an “Arnold” like accent. Then we could hear him say things like, “I enjoying the SMASHING, little racers too puny for me. I crush them with my thighs.” Perhaps I will just begin typing his answers for him, anyway?

Moreau 12th – shocker.

Rogers 4th – SMASHED! Thor is gnawing on a herring bone in his parent’s camper van.

Here comes Briske. Oh, sorry – SMASHED!

George is now finishing, let’s see…

SMASHED! SMASHED! SMASHED!

Let’ do the Thor interview, shall we?

“I knew that I had the SMASHING today. Other racers so tiny, how do they reproducing? I enjoy myself and family. I like to have many fish now.”

Nice – Thor in yellow. SMASH! The Hushovd camper will be rocking tonight!