schmalz We’re talking to Mike Creed who is again a professional bike racer…

Creed Hells to the yeah!

schmalz So now you can fill your days with riding your bike and coming home to play video games, I assume.

Creed Eh, not really into video games, but I don’t have to freak out so much about what races I’m doing. I have a schedule now and it’s nice to be able to look forward to something instead of not knowing what’s coming around the corner

schmalz Did you race the Joe Martin race?

Creed I did.

schmalz Did you race with your new team, Team Type 1?

Creed No, I raced as Rock, under the Rock banner.

schmalz How did that work?

Creed My contract with Team Type 1 doesn’t start until the 15th. I had originally decided to not do Joe Martin, because I wasn’t going to go out and race for free under Rock and have a bunch of stress, and I hadn’t trained for almost two weeks. I was really kind of down. Then things picked up with Team Type 1, the deal was done, and you could tell that the team was going to want me to, you  know, be a professional and be in shape and be somewhat good at my job.

schmalz How dare they!

Creed Yeah, I was quite perturbed by this demand. I decided to go and I asked the team of course if it was ok if I raced Joe Martin with another team. They said “Fine”, and I just asked them to keep it secret; just to be sure I didn’t become a permanent resident of Arkansas. 

Did you have to pay your own way to get out to Joe Martin?

Kind of, the team was driving through Denver, so I just drove up and met them there.

schmalz Ok, so it wasn’t terrible.

Creed It wasn’t terrible no, and I got a hotel room for one night because they wanted to five people into one room.

schmalz Rock Racing had five people in one room?

Creed At a Motel 6 where it was $39 a night!

schmalz The glamourous world of Rock Racing…

Creed So even an unemployed chump like myself decided that I’d rather pay for a hotel room. But anyway…

schmalz Can you imagine the poor hotel maid that has to clean up the room that’s been filled with five bike racers?

Creed Well, actually this hotel maid was pretty lucky because I think she found my old Blackberry.

schmalz Well that’s a little bonus for her then.

Creed Yeah, I made sure to turn it off before she called all her friends in Kansas.

schmalz You’re a good tipper, Mike.

Creed I am a really good tipper, that’s true.

schmalz And now you’re threatening to come to the East Coast?

Creed Yeah man, it’s really nice that you offered to let me sleep in your bed, and eat your food. I appreciate that. I’m going to be at the airport late, it’s going to be around 1 am, so if you could just not be there when I get to your house, that would be best.

schmalz I don’t recall this offer ever being offered.

Creed Oh, here we go! Backpedaling out of it now that we get on the record.

schmalz I don’t recall offering any sort of “Bed Mike Creed up for the week” type thing, I thought that I had a restraining order against you?

Creed You know that’s not legal in Jersey.

schmalz Yeah, don’t let a restraining order get in the way of love, my friend. Don’t let that stop you – that’s wise advice. Are you going to Davidenko’s place, because he’s your director?

Creed Right, he’s my new director, and I believe they’re getting a furnished house as a team house.

schmalz So you’ll be out in South or Mid-Jersey?

Creed The East coast is a total mystery to me, man. In my mind, I can ride from one end of Jersey to the other in a half hour. 

schmalz You can drive all of Jersey in about 3 1/2 hours.

Creed Yeah, I’m way off, I figured I could I could go from the farthest end of Jersey and ride my bike to Boston in about two hours. That’s pretty much my idea of the East Coast.

schmalz You’re thinking of Rhode Island, you can jog around Rhode Island, but Jersey is more of a long course.

Creed Ah whatever, as long as I get to hang out with Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi, I’m going to be ok.

schmalz Well, yeah they don’t mind if you come over…

Creed Yeah, big superstars don’t mind, but all of a sudden Mr. Website guy has got a private life!

schmalz You just don’t realize how well known I am, I’m a couple of hits away from being able to get coffee for the “Leave Britney Alone!” internet guy.

Creed (laughs)

schmalz I’ve got big plans here, Mike. So stand back. Are you going to come into the city at all? You should come out and race on Tuesday.

Creed What’s the Tuesday race?

schmalz It’s the Tuesday night race in Brooklyn, what else do you have to do?

Creed Geez, I don’t know, it’s not like I can get in a car and come out.

schmalz Well, what else do you have to do?

Creed Schmalz, I’m not debating whether or not I should do it. I don’t live there – I don’t have a car. I’m kind of where ever the team is.

schmalz Well if you can figure out where you’re going to be, maybe we can work something out. It just depends on where you’re at. We might have to have “Mike Creed Appreciation Tuesday”.

Creed You know-I don’t have enough holidays named after me, we should really get one started.

schmalz You’re not celebrated enough, are you?

Creed I am grossly under appreciated on the national scale.

schmalz Arbor Day – that’s not yours?

Creed Arbor Day, I sponsored that but nobody returned my letters. I don’t know, things happen. Obama’s in office and he’s all about change, so maybe this is my chance. What is the date of this criterium of yours?

schmalz It’s every Tuesday night. You’re going to be doing Somerville, right?

Creed Yeah, is it before Somerville or after Somerville?

schmalz Somerville is Monday, the race would be Tuesday. It’s every Tuesday throughout the summer.

Creed So it’s on Tuesday?

schmalz You’re catching up.

Creed (laughs) So there’s the Tour of Somerville, on the 27th there’s the Ricola Twilight Criterium.

schmalz You’re on the East Coast for a long time.

Creed Yeah, I’m out there for a while. We’ll do Bank of America, Kelley Cup, Bound Brook, Somerville, Ricola, CSC, and Air Force. And depending on how I’m going, Philadelphia because there’s ten guys that want to go to that. And it really isn’t a good course for me either.

schmalz See what Davidenko says, ask him if you can borrow the truck. I’m sure he’s going to love that idea.

Creed I’m sure there will be plenty of people willing to let me borrow their vehicles.

schmalz I used to see him at a lot of the races out here, he’s so quiet. he can be a very intimidating guy.

Creed He does look like a Russian version of ‘007. He doesn’t have the Daniel Craig good looks thing going on, but he has that silent “you’re not going to turn you back on him” look.

schmalz I’d always see him at Interbike, where everybody’s in Crocs and tank tops, then he’s got his full suit on and he’s carrying a briefcase. Granted he might just have Snickers bars in there, you never know, but he’s got the briefcase. So he looks like he knows what he’s talking about.

Creed What show was it when the guys was walking around with a briefcase and they called him out on it and they opened up his briefcase and it was an apple and a half eaten sandwich.

schmalz I think that was either the Hair Bear Bunch, or that was some episode of Mannix, I’m not sure what that was.

Creed They did a pretty good punch line there.

schmalz I don’t remember that one. Davidenko, I don’t see as doing a lot of punchlines. You never know. He might know a million knock knock jokes.

Creed Right right right. I’m excited to race, you know, the schedule, obviously I’m the new guy on the team and I’m low on the totem pole, but if I had it my way I’d just hit every single one of these races ’til the end of the year.

schmalz It’s good to hear you have your moxie back, Mike.

Creed Yeah, it was rough there for a while. Rock just takes it outta you. They really have a way of making you not care about bike racing.

schmalz Awesome. Do you think that Baldwin and Grajales, did they offer them the same deal? ‘Cause you guys all got, I don’t know if ‘let go’ is the word, but you all had the same situation happen. Do you think that they took the deal to race and not get paid?

Creed I don’t know what the deal is with Grajales, haven’t talked to him much about it. Baldwin’s under the assumption that he’s getting paid. He’s under that assumption. He never got an official letter saying he’s re-hired. He’s going under this belief… I roomed with Baldwin at Joe Martin, and I feel bad for him, man. The guy is really really good, he’s a real analytical guy, to the point of it freezes him. He’s almost afraid to make his own way and to find another team, ’cause he doesn’t want to anger anybody, but at the same time you can see the stress on him. I don’t want to speak for him, but I really hope that whatever he does, if he stays with the team or does whatever that he enjoys bike racing again, ’cause he’s too good not to.

schmalz I like that ‘he’s under the assumption that he’s going to be paid’ part.

Creed Isn’t that incredible? That’s cycling, man.

schmalz Are they going to send it by passenger pigeon? How’s this gonna work?

Creed I mean, I think Grajales is under the same assumption. This weird thing of…I’ve never seen it with another team, and it came on so slowly and so gradually that I’m surprised I got to this point. ‘Cause it’s been 18 months’ progression with this team, just how little anybody knows, and how the guy calling the shots is in no way wanting to change that. This is going to be the status quo, it’s not gonna get any better. Until they wrestle control from this guy and let somebody take care of everything and have a set budget, it is going to be like this. I don’t have any of 2008’s prize money. That’s theft! He blatantly took EVERYBODY’S 2008 prize money! That’s upwards of 6 to 10 thousand dollars per rider. This is real money, this is a real thing for us. And it’s hard to watch guys on the team like Baldwin getting nervous about prize money, you’re just not gonna get it. It’s an exercise in futility, and you see him stressin’ out, and it makes you wonder about yourself. Why am I ok with it? Why am I so dead inside that I don’t care about prize money any more (laughing)?

schmalz Things are tough all over. Astana is not getting paid, they haven’t been getting paid for four weeks.

Creed And Successful Living pulled out of the US team, out of the Flying V US team. I don’t know, man, so I guess I’m speaking ignorantly, but it seemed like the company was a weird business model, so it folded. And Astana is a bunch of government corporations, again I’m speaking ignorantly, it seemed like something Vinokourov helped put together, and it was Kazakhstan riders, and maybe it’s moved away from that. I have no idea how the economy is in Kazakhstan, but if the economy’s not doing so good there….

schmalz If I’ve learned anything from Borat I think their currency is goats, so…

Creed Goats and prostitution.

schmalz So I’m not sure how those industries are doing.

Creed Who knows?

schmalz They could bounce back.

Creed Hopefully, I mean, I just don’t understand the…I understand people not having money, and I understand the economy being bad, but there’s a point where it’s not worth going to a race. If you’re going to stay, if you’re going to pack riders into a $35 a night motel, and you’re gonna drive them from California, these guys drove from California, 35 some odd hours of driving, and you don’t have equipment, and you don’t have soigneurs, and you don’t have this stuff, and you’re calling yourself a professional team. You’re under the guise of a professional team. I don’t know if it’s worth going.

schmalz Who wants to spoon with Rahsaan Bahati anyways? Come on, it’s gotta be awkward, right?

Creed Hey, Rahsaan’s good with that stuff. I wouldn’t put it past him.

schmalz He’s a very warm person, huh?

Creed He IS a very warm…he’s my chocolate teddy bear.

schmalz This sounds like a lotta five to a hotel room nights talkin’ here.

Creed Um, that was kinda the thing I got. Man, I’d much rather have my salary than to spend money on this, you know? It’s an insult, that I don’t get my prize money, my EARNED prize money. I don’t know, I don’t wish anything bad to the riders on the team, I really don’t. I hope that Michael Ball finds a sponsor, I hope everybody gets their salary, and they can hire full time staff and everything’s great. I really do. But at some level…there’s this quote by David Sedaris, I don’t remember the exact way it, it amounted to you want your revenge to make somebody feel stupid. You want them to feel guilty and stupid for what they’ve done. And I don’t know if there’s ever a way to elicit that response out of the guy who runs that team. But I’ll be looking for a way.

schmalz I don’t know if I’m more surprised that you want revenge or more surprised that you can actually quote David Sedaris.

Creed Come on, I like David Sedaris.

schmalz I didn’t know! I’m a big David Sedaris fan, if you like laughing until you pee a little.

Creed You know what’s fun about reading a David Sedaris book? You try to explain who David Sedaris is and people go “You’re reading a book by a gay guy? You’re reading a gay book?” Well, it’s not a book of gay…

schmalz There’s gay portions, sure.

Creed But, I don’t know. I really wish those riders the best. I hope they don’t all have to switch teams. What got me was how close, that first year, how close it was to being perfect for me. You could show up with different equipment, different wheels if you wanted to. You can say what you want, you can talk to nyvelocity and say weird shit and it wouldn’t get you in trouble.

schmalz God bless ’em.

Creed As long as you showed up and wore his clothes, everything was perfect. And you just raced hard, you know, you had guys like Sevilla on the team, you just go out and THROTTLE yoruself, and know that they’re going to come through. And it just left me open to race the way I like to race. I like to race those first two or three hours full out. Chase down breaks, bridging across…the team was getting paid well, it was really a stress free way of racing, and I loved it. And I think that’s where maybe a little of heartbreak comes in, “Wow, I don’t think there’ll ever be a team that free for a while”.

schmalz Well, let’s get on to a sunnier topic. Just by the fact of me talking to you, I think you’re taking your life in your own hands.

Creed WHAT???

schmalz There’s been talk that I curse people by interviewing them, but I don’t think that’s true, I really don’t.

Creed I was thinking about this, Schmalz, and I think this is a really narcissistic way of including yourself in a professional athlete’s life (laughing).

schmalz Isn’t it! I didn’t come up with this idea, ’cause I don’t see it.

Creed But you’re promoting it!

schmalz Well, yeah, I gotta address the issue.

Creed Ok, gimme your theory. Give it to me.

schmalz I don’t have a theory, I think that riders eat shit all the time, and I have nothing to do with it.

Creed Then tell me about this Schmalz curse, don’t back down! You’re gonna tell me about it, tell me about the Schmalz curse!

schmalz The curse affected you ’cause you got fired from Rock, and then the curse affected Vande Velde ’cause he crashed out, a local guy was talking to me, we were doing an email interview, and in the course of it he crashed and punctured a lung and broke his collarbone. It’s crap, though, so many people crash.

Creed And then you interview JV and Cavendish puts some smackdown on him.

schmalz I did just interview JV. What’s the worst that can happen to him? He loses an ascot? What can happen to JV?

Creed I dunno, there’s a lotta bad things that can happen to people. But cycling related? I dunno, he chokes on a baguette?

schmalz How many times do you crash in a normal season?

Creed I think there’s always one. There’s always one. Last year I turfed it at Utah, and I might’ve turfed it somewhere else. There’s always one.

schmalz Are you superstitious about talking about it? Do you not want to talk about it?

Creed Noooo, come on. Superstition is just people’s way of trying to control stuff they can’t control. I don’t believe in it, but there’s other people that’re just die hard about it.

schmalz Whether you touch your nose or move your chin it’s going to have no affect on anything. If you’re gonna…some dingleberry’s gonna crash in front of you and take out your wheel there’s nothing you can do about it.

Creed The guys are telling this story with, Tyler Hamilton was relating this story last year, Tour of Great Britain, about how on CSC they had this Italian teammate, I don’t know who it was, but he knocked over the salt, and the whole table lost their minds and told him to throw the salt over his shoulder. And he thought it was just idiotic so he opened up the salt container and poured it out on the table and then just walked out. And the next day he crashed and broke his scalpula.

schmalz Geez, if Italian guys are that easy to psyche out I would be taking salt shakers to the race with me and pouring it on their handlebars.

Creed If you ever talk to Max Sciandri or Andrea Peron, it was one of those guys. I remember when I was on Postal there were guys where if you tried to hand them the salt shaker they’d make you put it down first.

schmalz Why are they afraid of salt?

Creed Apparently salt is bad mojo. Apparently salt is karma in quite tasty form.

schmalz It’s delicious, it’s granulated! What’s there to be afraid of?

Creed I wonder if it’s different, if kosher salt has more mojo on it than sea salt?

schmalz Does onion salt just make everything go bad?

Creed And Kosher salt is the purest salt.

schmalz Kosher salt? That should go without saying.

Creed It was an easy joke, I had to go for it. Schmalz, I’m starting to get stalked by your fans.

schmalz I have a fan? That’s surprising.

Creed These people come up to me, “I love what you do at nyvelocity, man!”

schmalz(Laughs) That’s funny. But tell them about the curse, see if that works. You know what, if it’s my thing to have a curse named after me, so be it.

Creed You know what’s fun, though? When people tell me “I like what you do”, I like to pretend that I really don’t like you guys. I like to pretend it’s all you guys’ doing. “I like what you do!”

I’ll say something like, “Oooh, those guys are crazy, I don’t know how they got my information.”

schmalz Like we’re stalking YOU. Right, Mike.

Creed Exactly, I turn it around pretty good.

schmalz Thanks for big timing us, that’s real class. 

Creed Buncha masters, er, derka derka derk…

schmalz Alright, there’s going to have to be some kind of revenge here.

Creed I think I asked one guy if you’ve upgraded to cat 4 yet. “Are they still cat 4’s or…?”

schmalz Don’t pick a fight with guys who can make pages day after day after day, Mr. Creed.

Creed I gotta ask about the cartoon. Do the wives get together and talk about the fact that their husbands make cartoons?

schmalz You mean my wife and Andy’s wife?

Creed Yeah. Do they ever just go, “You know, our husbands make cartoons in their spare time? I come home, the laundry’s not done, the baby’s not fed, I KNOW that they had time to make a cartoon!”

schmalz My wife has the classic line, “Are you talking to some jerkoff cyclist again?” 

“M-might be.”

Creed Of course you’d never say that about me.

schmalz Oh no no, I’d never use your name in direct correlation with…

Creed ‘Cause I’m staying at your house in two weeks.

schmalz I love how you’re working this out.

Creed I don’t want to call you out publicly and call you a liar, but I am going to say that it’s a sin, what you’re doing.

schmalz You know what, fine, I’ll put salt all over it, I never made any such suggestion. If you’re fine with an aero bed in my garage, go for it baby.

Creed This is not the way the invitation went the first time. It’s really weird that you’re doing this.

schmalz There was a promise of first class accomodations? We’d have to rent my neighbor’s house for that to happen. Sorry.

Creed What’re you gonna do?

schmalz You’ve got a furnished house somewhere in the middle of Jersey-tucky out there, you’re going to pile about nine guys in there, you’re going to have a great time.

Creed Are you guys snobby against other parts of Jersey? Is it like, “Oh yeah, SOUTHERN Jersy, heh heh heh.”

schmalz I’m not from Jersey originally, but my wife is, so, I dunno. I think out there, near the pine barrens, there’s weirdness.

Creed Are the people from the shore, are they the bimbos? Are they the LA of Jersey?

schmalz (Laughs) There’s a pretty big…you’ll get some mullets out there. Some parts of the Jersey shore are like the carny folk of New Jersey, it’s like a wellspring of carny folk, and other parts…I dunno.

Creed If you live next to New York City, are you ashamed that you live in Jersey? Do these people secretly wish they lived in New York?

schmalz Where I’m at is kind of a suburb, ’cause everyone goes to work in New York. Other parts, they’re not New York, parts of it just smell bad and everyone’s depressed… Jersey’s a rainbow of different emotions, places.

Creed A rainbow…

schmalz I don’t know how to explain it, Mike. You’ll get a full snootful of Jersey. You’ll find out all about it.

Creed I’m pumped. You gonna come ride with me or what?

schmalz I guess so, but you’re way out in…once you figure out where you’re at, then that’ll be much easier.

Creed Wherever you live, man, that’s where I’m at.

schmalz Oh, God. I love that you’re able to hang on to your delusion. Tenacity!

Creed You’re getting more and more nervous about it every time. Every time you repeat it you’re a little more scared.

schmalz You can show up, show up all you want. I can always tell you to turn around.

Creed You don’t gotta go home but ya can’t stay here.

schmalz I don’t think you’re within riding distance, though, so I think I might be ok. 

Creed Alright, buddy…

schmalz You’ll probably have to take the Garden State, which is taking your life into your own hands. But I don’t think you’re that far. If you’re where I think Davidenko is, I don’t think it’s that far, ’cause he used to come into the city and ride all the time. I remember racing against him.

Creed I’d imagine he’d pick a place that’s pretty decent for riding. But that’s just me.

schmalz I think you’re somewhere northwest, you might be under the shade of the tall pine that’s Pennsylvania out there somewhere.

Creed Ooo la la.

schmalz Yeah, get yourself into Pennsylvania, get yourself a treat. Go crazy out there. I’m gonna have to call an end to this, ’cause Andy’s going to stab me for having to transcribe this.

Creed You know, Andy, what does he do? You know, he makes snide little jokes about having to type too much. God! I think it’s time to fire that guy, between you and me.

schmalz Well, we’d have to pay him before we fire him.

Creed I think it’s time…you can exclude him from the group. We need an Andy 2.0.

schmalz But Andy draws the cartoon. What would we do?

Creed Your daughter will draw cartoons. He needs to come up with a new character anyways. It’s the same five people. It’s the top of Levi’s head. Alright, got it.

schmalz We’ll come up with ideas, “Oh man, we don’t have that face drawn, screw that. We’re writing him out.” I’ll say, “Let’s do one about Creed!” And he’ll say, “No way, I’m not drawing that guy.”

Creed “Let’s draw Creed”??? Just a big forehead.

schmalz We don’t have the face, let’s just use Levi again.

Creed I have a very detailed face. It would be very hard to replicate me. It’s kinda like when da Vinci drew a perfect circle. You’re just not going to get it right.

schmalz Yeah, you have a face like fine china, Mike.

Creed It’s true, I get called that all the time.

schmalz Yes you do. Get yourself out to western New Jersey and they’ll tell you that all the time.

Creed I’m a porcelain doll.

schmalz Yes you are. On that note I’m going to stop my recorder.