Qqqosâ„¢ Great Britain Olympic Kit

Union Jacked up

By @mmmaiko

Olympic games are one of the few acceptable venues for jingoism, and I expect the national kits to capslock holler “[insert country name] REPRESENT, MOTHERFUCKERS!!” Even if you’re, say, the Seychelles and expect to go home utterly empty-handed, you should still swagger into the opening ceremony as if you’d rape, pillage and enslave like the Dothraki. Stella McCartney shares my jingoistic raping and pillaging concept for the Olympics except she turns the violence toward the flag of Great Britain. While paying lip service that the Union Jack is “one of the most beautiful flags in the world,” McCartney exsanguinated and dismembered her flag, removing the red and cutting up the rest into a pale blue ghost of a proud, iconic symbol.

 

My initial reaction to the dismembered Union Jack frankensteined into a cycling kit? “Why is Sir Chris Hoy in a US Postal kit?!?” The GB cycling kit is mostly navy with red trim on the collar. On the chest, it displays, off-center, one quarter of the Union Jack rendered in blues. The quartered Union Jack panel looks unfortunately like an abstract USPS eagle tucking its head into Sir Chris’s armpit. (What’s up with cycling and eagles in bodily crevices?) Maybe Johan Bruyneel was right that I’m one of those obsessed pseudo-personality haters with too much time and I’m seeing US Postal everywhere. US POSTAL REPRESENT, MOTHERFUCKERS!

 

Other than looking like a kit for a defunct pro cycling team, the Olympics kit lacks any sort of flair. I’m not a fan of the regular British Cycling kit, which looks like a love child of an abstracted Union Jack and the Elliott Smith’s Figure 8 album cover, but at least it embodies a sense of dynamism and motion. There’s something stolid and immobile about the Olympics kit, coupled with the wonky, off-center placement of the flag quarter, doesn’t quite scream epic panache legendary. The design would make perfect packaging for sleeping pills. That is, for off-brand sleeping pills that make you just sleep, instead of Ambien, which makes you sleep eat and have crazy sleep sex endorsed by Tiger Woods. 

 

Remember Brad Wiggins’ disastrous 2009 Time Trial World Championship ride? Following his 4th place at the Tour, Wiggins rolled out of the start house with bombast in a loud red-and-blue British Cycling skinsuit and a Union Jack disc wheel. He was so Union Jacked up it was impossible to mistake whence he came. Then, Wiggins had a fatal mechanical, chucking aside his bike in a mild hissy fit. Imagine that scene in the 2012 Great Britain Olympic kit. The swagger of the roll-out and the ridiculousness of the half-assed hissy bike toss would be dampened by the soporific kit. With pressure mounting on both Wiggins and Cavendish for the Tour and the Olympics, what a shame it would be to have their Union Jack-off theatrics outfitted like off-brand sleeping pills rather than Union Jack clowns!

 

Sir Chris Hoy says Great Britain Olympics kit is “fantastic” and “classic”, an endorsement that doesn’t sound like he’s crap-his-shorts stoked, utilizing the kit’s state-of-the-art “moisture management fibres” or “heat and ventilation zones” boasted by Adidas. I’m sure British Cycling will pillage the Olympics for its medals, but alas, will we be able to tell instantly from what nation he/she hails when arms are raised in victory? 

17 Comments

Guccio Brifter

Does mmmaiko ride? Not saying I disagree w/ her evaluation of the kits, but who exactly is mmmaiko, aside from this disembodied twitter handle who spouts her opinion on the latest pro cycling news at regular intervals?

Monorchid Conconi

blahlablhablhblah my name is mmmmmmaaaaaaiiiikkkkooo and i have opinions and i use big words uselessly and i’ve never been off my couch or out of my pajamas.

Antonin Tracknut

How could a German company sponsor the GB Olympic team? Adidas? The Battle of Britain was all for naught.

Baldo Bearing

i wonder if he will be crying in his skinsuit before coming out for the opening ceremony. “i don’t want to wear the ugly kit mr brailsford, let me wear my sky kit please!”. such a shame, stella should be embarrassed.

Baldo Bearing

making fun of hoy at all. it was just a joke, like a kid who didn’t want to wear what his parents forced him to wear. easy there, guy.

Moondog

It isn’t. It’s a Union Flag. A Jack is a flag flown on the jackpost on a ship. Still, 90% of brits don’t know this either.
OK, it’s petty but I think journos should try to be accurate. Not as irritating as Pave being described as Cobbles. Blow the dust off your dictionary and you’ll find that a Cobble stone is not something you’ll find on Paris Roubaix.
The sun’s shining so it’s time to stop moaning and get the bike out!

Ayoub Chainsuck

The Olympic kit of Great Britain looks nice and this will be a new trend in Olympics. I am waiting to see the various events that are zip line brake included for this year’s Olympics. The cycling events will be attractive.

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