schmalz's log 2012 Part 11

In the past I've often compared amateur bike racing to a rolling bowling league or other more casual sports such as league softball, and those metaphors are apt—we don't this for money, no one watches us compete and the clothing we wear is routinely horrible. But I think it's time to modify my metaphor (and alliterate!), as there's a better analogy for describing what we do with ourselves. We are not so much a rolling bowling team or pedaling softball league, we are the tribute bands of the amateur athletic world.

Tribute bands are groups of musicians who, instead of writing their own songs or covering the songs of a variety of bands, concentrate on performing the songs of only one group, often adopting the styles, attributes and mannerisms of those groups. They also have clever or pun-y names. Kiss tribute bands are especially numerous, and have names like: Strutter, Love Gun, Deuce (not sure they thought all the potential double entendres about that name through) or Sad Older Guys Playing Pretend in Make-up (one of those band names is not a real band, can you guess which one it is?). The tribute bands inhabit a strange space in the world of music, a space much like the one we amateur racers live in.

Like our brothers in Sabbra Cadabra or Are We Them, we dress up like professionals (and in the case of some teams, we even design our jerseys to resemble a pro team's look, ahem, Bandits...) and we adopt their ways as our own. We try as hard as possible to look "pro". We use the same bikes, training methods, nutritional strategies and in some pathetic cases, the same drugs. Like the tribute bands, there's even the odd chance we get paid for our devotions, but like Kisstroyer, we are probably lucky to break even after paying for spandex, pyrotechnics and make-up.

The key to being a successful tribute band or pretend bike racer is to realize that you are dressing up and to not take your delusion too seriously. Enjoy the lunacy of your obsession. Go ahead and perform as No Way Sis, but for God's sake, don't do Gallagher Brother-levels of drugs and start fights with the members of 1964. Leave the costumes onstage. If you are in Coverboy, don't try to be Mike Reno at the gas station, as Mike Reno probably works at a gas station these days; and it would be confusing for the customers. And if you are a tribute bike racer, feel free to wear that dumb bandana like Il Pirata did while riding your bike, but please, please—don't do the drugs.

It's been another week of me performing "Hey Nineteen" as "Stealing Dan" (thank you, Google), the evidence can be found here.

Comments

WTF is Craftwork?? I hope

By: Victor Polished

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 5:13pm

WTF is Craftwork?? I hope that was auto-corrected.

0 Up

If Schmalz is the Bob Seger

By: Maxime Tarmac

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 2:41pm

If Schmalz is the Bob Seger of cyclists, does that mean he's always riding "Against the Wind?"

1 Up

Does that make them Gwar?

By: schmalz

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 1:07pm

funny that

By: Esteban Locknut

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 1:00pm

dave jordan's team wasn't mentioned. don't they have a billion riders?

Oh, OK, and I'd like to think

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 11:12am

Oh, OK, and I'd like to think of myself as the Bob Seger of bikes.

not yours schmalz

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 2:41am

I was referring to Piero Setscrew's. I mean, as you said, NYAC as the Ramones? Seriously? all the richie rich's on that team?. Preppie mcPrepperson. Team country club

Are you calling my theory

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 2:35am

Are you calling my theory idiotic?

dangerous

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 1:58am

true, but that at least made a tiny bit of sense unlike the idiot tribute band comparison, which made no sense at all.

Japs? Seriously?

By: Andy Shen

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 1:06am

We are entering into

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 12:23am

We are entering into dangerous territory here.

How is the NYAC the Ramones?

Tue, 12/20/2011 - 10:53pm

"fish"????? seriously???

By: Tom Ergopower

Tue, 12/20/2011 - 10:50pm

Tribute Bands

By: Piero Setscrew

Tue, 12/20/2011 - 10:39pm

Since there are a lot of new racers out there, here is a cheat sheet to help you remember which teams are a tribute to which bands and artists:

Old Adler = Van Halen with David Lee Roth

Current Adler = Sammy Hagar

New Adler/Champion Systems = Van Haggar

Asphalt Green with Steve Marmo = Kid Rock

Asphalt Green post Marmo = Keene

Foundation = Milli Vanilli

Kissena = Deuce

Kingpin = Jay Z

NY Velocity Mens = Insane Clown Posse

NY Velocity Womens Racing = Katy Perry

FGX = MGMT

Teany = Ryuichi Sakamoto

Luzzo’s = Billy Joel

Organic = Fish

Die Hard = Nirvana

Sids = The Sex Pistols

Blue Ribbon = Blue Oyster Cult

Brooklyn Velo Force = Vampire Weekend

Radical Media = Joan Jett and the Blackharts

Houlihan-Lokey Mens = USC Marching Band

Houlihan-Lokey Womens = t.a.T.u.

Rapha = Duran Duran

Fuoriclasse = Roxy Music

EnduranceWERX = Craftwork

Setanta with Marmo = Smashing Pumkins

Setanta post Marmo = Mumford & Sons

NYAC = Ramones

Speedwell = Anvil

Mengoni = Menudo

WS United = Wu-Tang Clan

BH/Garneau = Lonely Island

Strava dates

By: Mathias Crank

Mon, 12/19/2011 - 6:14pm

Is this to indicate that you will not be doing anything this week or is strava already anticipating your level of effort for the week of 12/19? That is truely Ai!

I'll be happy to sell you one

Mon, 12/19/2011 - 2:45pm

I'll be happy to sell you one of these for $120 and $155 shipping and handling.

http://nyvelocity.com/content/gallery/equipment/2011/wahoo-fitness-fisica

Andy - please help. Max

By: Cosimo Rim

Mon, 12/19/2011 - 2:01pm

Andy - please help.

Max budget is $275.

Andy is going to try to sell

By: mount

Mon, 12/19/2011 - 1:33pm

Andy is going to try to sell you an iPhone carbon fiber mount with electronic tilting for $300...beware of his reviews.

I mount my iphone in my

Mon, 12/19/2011 - 11:14am

I mount my iphone in my pocket with a zip lock bag—Andy is the iphone mount guy.

Recommend me an iphone bike mount?

Mon, 12/19/2011 - 10:46am

Hi Schmalz

I think you are an iphone on the handlebars kind of guy. Can you recommend a mount?

Keep up the good w.

GD humor

By: Paul Rand

Sat, 12/17/2011 - 3:08am

Sometimes when I'm alone, I use Comic Sans

Dude how many times are you

By: Farinata Clearcoat

Sat, 12/17/2011 - 1:44am

Dude how many times are you going to use ignorant rock stars on your intro. How about some ignorant rappers....don't blame me blame the Remy...off season training.