Tour day Schmalz Stage 18

Section head text.

Coming from the American Midwest, Schmalz is unaccustomed to Gallic PDA.

‘No we can’t spoon by the side of the road, wait until we get back to the hotel.’

Stage 18

July 21, Claire was up at 4 this morning – no big deal. Pretty easy so far.

Did you know that some Czech rider named Ondrej Sosenk broke the hour record. He broke the “athlete’s hour”, not the other hour record. The athlete’s hour was instituted so Eddy Merckx could come back and beat Graeme Obree. One last victory for the cannibal!

Note to Ondrej, never set your records during the Tour; no one will notice.

There are ten riders off the front with 10 minutes. The group includes Carlos (now the French love me – I am doomed) Da Cruz, Axel (don’t piss off my dad) Merckx, and Tommy (the new Poulidor) Voeckler.

This stage looks to be a little uneventful until the last climb; can we get ourselves a “Toto” Commesso cam at the back of the race? Maybe Sal can show us how to eat a whole turkey at 40 kph.

Kessler has his number (13) on upside down for luck, I suppose. Better luck would be had by dropping the Frenchmen in his group. Either that, or he’s in a pact with the devil.

Pellizotti is in the break, porn perm lives! Bawm-chicka bawm bawm!

We are coming to the point in the race where there is nothing else for anyone to say about anything. There will be nothing left to comment on – unless that spunky Poo Poo Voeckler can pull out a minor placing.

Da Cruz takes the intermediate sprint – FDJ can afford the lobster tonight!

Noval’s wattage at the front of the pack is 275; it’s taken 18 stages to finally get an interesting tidbit of info. Well, besides that piece about Disco’s tire valves.

Back in the pack, Disco is chasing because no one else will.

The keys to getting yourself on French TV Tour coverage:

Dress up like the devil (already done)

Make a large bicycle out of balloons, sticks, or manure and stick it in your yard as the Tour passes

Ride a horse next to the race – extra coverage if you fall off your horse while doing it

Hit a rider with something you picked up off the side of the road

Get run over by a motorcycle

Be French and lead the race for 30 seconds

Must…stay…awake…

Because I haven’t typed it yet, here it is: THOR WILL SMASH! T-shirts available soon!

Here comes the climb. Will Voeckler attack? Will Axel get a Tour stage win? Will Commesso improve his tan today?

Da Cruz attacks, forgetting he’s been voted the “Most French.”

The All-Star BBQ showdown stars are right now rubbing their meat down – only on OLN.

Da Cruz has a gap on the break with 10k to go, but he’s losing some time – and rapidly becoming more French by the second.

Axel brings thing Da Cruz back, and gets off the front. Eddy smiles.

Voeckler gets a little gap and catches Axel. France grins – Eddy frowns.

As the final break of 5 forms, this commercial break during this crucial race moment is brought to you by Propecia.

Pellizotti catches the break. Bawm-chicka bawm bawm!

Voeckler goes to the front to dry hump the French public once again.

Axel jumps again to drop some dead weight.

Pellizotti is off the break. Bawm-chicka bawm bawm!

Voeckler gets popped off the back. I’m going to just paste this into the clipboard for future stages.

Axel is getting a little dropped.

Cédric (was he acquitted?) Vasseur is sitting on the wheels as best he can.

Serrano is listening to the soothing voice of Manolo Saiz in his earpiece.

Serrano wins! Confirming his place as least popular rider in the break, and avoiding having to wash Saiz’s car tonight.

Eddy has to be restrained at the finish line. He wants a piece of Vasseur.

Moreau doesn’t make the split – I can type this with my eyes closed now.

Evans is putting time into Vino. T-Mobile finally figured out that if they want to have anyone read their name on Vino’s shorts they have to make their name black. That took 20 days.

Lance’s lieutenant Ivan is leading him up the hill.

Ullrich is grinding on this climb like a Dutch teenager in a Paris Disco.

Everyone… finishes…

20 Comments

monkeyheart

I also enjoyed when OLN showed the remnents of the break trickling over the line while the peloton was detonated on the penultimate climb, and then when they could be bothered to back to the peloton, went to commercial as Basso was attacking Armstrong.

Reply
CorsairMac

Levis 502 Commercial

OK,…..first let me say I am in stitches about your commentary! SOOOO much better than the Paul/Phil show! So are you not getting the Levi’s 501 commercial they Also keep showing over and over and over and ………….coz I would LOVE to hear the Schmalz spin on That one!!!!

THOR WILL SMASH!!!!

Reply
schmalz

Dear CorsairMac,

“That’s why I’m eassssayy, I’m easy like Sunday Morning, yeah.”

This one isn’t the worst offender actually (there’s no talking – thank God). Although from now on whenever I hear that Commodores song, I will get the mental picture of some guy buffing his pants.

The worst spots have to be the Trek Lucky Seven ones. Don’t make those people act, for the love of God!!

Here’s the thing about commercials during the Tour, since we tune in every day, you have to make a lot of spots. The best way to do it would be to make a new commercial a day.

Take Nike for example, they could plant a smart ass in the crowd or in France or wherever with a camcorder and do a 60 second report on the stage or drunken Dutch fans or the devil or something every day. Then just put up their logo and a different product shot each day in each corner of the screen while the report goes on.

People won’t get a chance to hate the individual spots because they change every day, they may hate the series, but it all depends on who they have do the reports.

I would like to take this opportunity to volunteer my services to Nike. Are they listening? Send me to France, dammit!! I need free stuff!! I have two kids to put through school for the love of God!!

Reply
fda

it’s not even the commodores version of “easy”, it’s faith no more.

is it the french racers that suck or is it the teams? where’s ronan pensec when you need him?

Reply
schmalz

That’s a cover version? Way to put your mark on a song, Faith No More.

It’s France’s desperate search for a Tour winner that cracks these guys. They pile on too much pressure, it’s like they are Spanish or something.

I’m sure the French would even settle for Fignon at this point.

Reply
Frank the Tank

I have long been an advocate of performance or "sports" beers, and I’m so glad that Floyd has finally introduced the rest of the world to them. Performance beers fall into 2 categories – 1) beers for competitive drinking and 2) beers to be consumed while playing sports. For a competitive drinking situation, the domestic performance beers are your best bet. Coors light (technically water but found in the beer isle) can be shot gunned or funneled in volume and doesn’t leave the nasty aftertaste found in PBR or Natty Light. It’s low alcohol content also allows you to maintain a leg up on your competition. For playing sports, I would recommend a couple of European offerings. Both Peroni and Kronenberg has a crisp clean taste that can be consumed between shifts on a hockey bench or at halftime on the rugby pitch. A hard to find favorite is Karlsbrau, a German style beer made in Italy. I was introduced to Karlsbrau Mountain biking in Italy last summer. I was with several hard-drinking Englishman and plastic cup after plastic cup, the Karlsbrau kept us hydrated, and happy.

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lee3

That whole thing about "earning" the jersey, had a little traction! Pereiro was basically Floyds rolling coat hanger and the Peleton knew it. I like his gutsy riding but he’s no Contador!

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Nico

I once asked a guy to mix me a bottle with half beer and half coke for during a 100K TTT. I reached out for my feed and wound up with a can of Coors instead. Psscht, glug, aaahhh. The remaining miles were more pleasant that way.

Reply
Anonymous

Cadel has lots of reasons for why he’s not in first place (from Eurosport):

“For me, it was when the Astana team didn’t contribute to the pace of the chase over the Col de Peyresourde that I lost the Tour de France. Or perhaps it happened when Contador and Rasmussen worked together on the climbs that’s when I lost time too. It could have been on the Aubisque when I lost time on Leipheimer. Maybe it was a combination of many elements but what’s happened has happened and I’m content. I was depending on Caisse d’Epargne and Astana to help me chase the escape going into Loudenvielle but they weren’t interested and that’s why we lost 55 seconds to Contador. That’s what spoiled what is otherwise the best Tour I could have done.”

Reply
Baldwin

Casar’s textbook move around the concrete islands in the middle of the road actually has a name.

It’s called a ‘Demi-Freire’.

Really. Look it up. It’s on wikipedia!

Reply

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