Coming from the American Midwest, Schmalz is unaccustomed to Gallic PDA.
‘No we canâ€™t spoon by the side of the road, wait until we get back to the hotel.’
July 21, Claire was up at 4 this morning – no big deal. Pretty easy so far.
Did you know that some Czech rider named Ondrej Sosenk broke the hour record. He broke the â€œathleteâ€™s hourâ€, not the other hour record. The athleteâ€™s hour was instituted so Eddy Merckx could come back and beat Graeme Obree. One last victory for the cannibal!
Note to Ondrej, never set your records during the Tour; no one will notice.
There are ten riders off the front with 10 minutes. The group includes Carlos (now the French love me â€“ I am doomed) Da Cruz, Axel (donâ€™t piss off my dad) Merckx, and Tommy (the new Poulidor) Voeckler.
This stage looks to be a little uneventful until the last climb; can we get ourselves a â€œTotoâ€ Commesso cam at the back of the race? Maybe Sal can show us how to eat a whole turkey at 40 kph.
Kessler has his number (13) on upside down for luck, I suppose. Better luck would be had by dropping the Frenchmen in his group. Either that, or heâ€™s in a pact with the devil.
Pellizotti is in the break, porn perm lives! Bawm-chicka bawm bawm!
We are coming to the point in the race where there is nothing else for anyone to say about anything. There will be nothing left to comment on â€“ unless that spunky Poo Poo Voeckler can pull out a minor placing.
Da Cruz takes the intermediate sprint â€“ FDJ can afford the lobster tonight!
Novalâ€™s wattage at the front of the pack is 275; itâ€™s taken 18 stages to finally get an interesting tidbit of info. Well, besides that piece about Discoâ€™s tire valves.
Back in the pack, Disco is chasing because no one else will.
The keys to getting yourself on French TV Tour coverage:
Dress up like the devil (already done)
Make a large bicycle out of balloons, sticks, or manure and stick it in your yard as the Tour passes
Ride a horse next to the race â€“ extra coverage if you fall off your horse while doing it
Hit a rider with something you picked up off the side of the road
Get run over by a motorcycle
Be French and lead the race for 30 seconds
Because I havenâ€™t typed it yet, here it is: THOR WILL SMASH! T-shirts available soon!
Here comes the climb. Will Voeckler attack? Will Axel get a Tour stage win? Will Commesso improve his tan today?
Da Cruz attacks, forgetting heâ€™s been voted the â€œMost French.â€
The All-Star BBQ showdown stars are right now rubbing their meat down â€“ only on OLN.
Da Cruz has a gap on the break with 10k to go, but heâ€™s losing some time â€“ and rapidly becoming more French by the second.
Axel brings thing Da Cruz back, and gets off the front. Eddy smiles.
Voeckler gets a little gap and catches Axel. France grins – Eddy frowns.
As the final break of 5 forms, this commercial break during this crucial race moment is brought to you by Propecia.
Pellizotti catches the break. Bawm-chicka bawm bawm!
Voeckler goes to the front to dry hump the French public once again.
Axel jumps again to drop some dead weight.
Pellizotti is off the break. Bawm-chicka bawm bawm!
Voeckler gets popped off the back. Iâ€™m going to just paste this into the clipboard for future stages.
Axel is getting a little dropped.
CÃ©dric (was he acquitted?) Vasseur is sitting on the wheels as best he can.
Serrano is listening to the soothing voice of Manolo Saiz in his earpiece.
Serrano wins! Confirming his place as least popular rider in the break, and avoiding having to wash Saizâ€™s car tonight.
Eddy has to be restrained at the finish line. He wants a piece of Vasseur.
Moreau doesnâ€™t make the split â€“ I can type this with my eyes closed now.
Evans is putting time into Vino. T-Mobile finally figured out that if they want to have anyone read their name on Vinoâ€™s shorts they have to make their name black. That took 20 days.
Lanceâ€™s lieutenant Ivan is leading him up the hill.
Ullrich is grinding on this climb like a Dutch teenager in a Paris Disco.