Ride fast, train smart, eat right, yada yada yada. Here are some tips you can REALLY use, from our friend John Ibbotson of the UK.

Cycling is not only about trying to pound the guy next to you into the ground; it’s also about trying to look and act as cool as possible. This isn’t such an easy thing to do whilst wearing lycra, but fear not! I am here to give you some helpful pointers…

Clothing

@##=#<3,L>@##=# Day-Glo colors are very ’80s. Just because ’80s fashion is considered cool now doesn’t mean you should ever be seen in bright orange or fluorescent yellow. If you see any other riders out wearing such colors, make sure that you shout and point. Or push them off their bikes.

Unless you have extremely long, thin legs, don’t bother with high socks—they’re a serious fashion risk. You don’t want to end up looking like Lance. And speaking of Lance, why does he insist on pulling his shorts down to his knees? I know he’s won 6 Tours, but it’d be nice if he’d make the effort to dress appropriately.

Always have your gillet with you—it could save your life. When I got dropped in the GP Pino Cerami with Scott Sunderland he imparted a piece of wisdom on me: “If you think you’re gonna get dropped in a race in Belgium, always make sure you have your gillet in your back pocket for the ride back to the showers.” Seeing as I was always dropped, this advice was very beneficial to me. And it also applies to training rides. (Ed’s note: gillet is euro for vest).

@##=#<2,r>@##=# Crisp white oversocks are the last word in cool. Rumor has it that Frank Vandenbroucke refuses to start a race unless he has his socks on the outside of his shoes. White socks will look even better if you have some white on your team strip. And a really good sun tan. Perhaps VDB only signed for Fassa Bortolo ’cause they had a lot of white on the kit. It’s just a thought…

Cool Cycling Actions

Whenever you catch anyone up out training, there are a few guidelines to adhere to. You have to make sure you’re sitting in the saddle, pushing a really low gear and also remember to hold your breath as you breeze past. If you think they may re-catch you (the cardinal sin) dive in the bushes, fake a puncture, or turn around in the road and make it look like you’re doing intervals.

If you have stopped in a tea room with your ultra-competitive club colleagues, mentally crush them by eating nothing, or if you really have to (for fear of blacking out), make sure you avoid the butter. Just as you’re about to leave, get a Mars Bar or three from the counter and eat them secretly in the toilet. This will also give you the sugar rush to belt your mates in the early KM’s. Just make sure you’ve dived in the bushes before the sugar rush wears off…

@##=#<1,L>@##=# A couple of years ago we were out training and saw Cofidis Pro Chris Peers riding with giant over-the-ear headphones on. Top pros can get away with this, but it may look funny if you or I put on our best Chris De Burgh album and ride through our local town with headphones on. On the plus side, they keep your ears warm on cold days.

Never, ever, ever fall off your bike in public. If this happens to you, then you’re best off quitting the sport for fear of ridicule.

Read our interview with John Ibbotson here.