The reign of Good King Stefan as sovereign the New Jersey Cat 3 Road is over, he has vacated the Lycra Throne and through my participation in the FBF wars I have supplanted him as your new monarch. I have also been crowned the Cat 3 Emperor of the 45s of the road in the land they call America. Good King Stefan was a fair and kind king, but I am here to state that his kindnesses were indulgent; and served to make the people of Cat 3 New Jersey weak and placated. I, on the other hand, will restore Cat 3 New Jersey to its proper place as the envy of all the Five Category Kingdoms.
To accomplish this, I will set forth a series of decrees—the defiance of which will bring about banishment to the Category of Four.
Firstly, there will be a tithing of all awards and bonifications of those who finish ahead of the King. All those who see it as proper to finish ahead of the Regent will surrender 10% of all monies gained and submit all products earned to be reviewed and then sniffed by the King to decide their value.
Secondly, tribute must be paid by those who desire to cross the bridge and train in the Land of Jersey. These monies will finance the King’s aerodynamic arsenal, helping to stabilize his hold on the Lycra Throne.
THERE SHALL BE NO HENLEY SHIRTS. Henceforth, these clothing abominations will be prohibited in the land of Jersey, as their existence offends the King. (Seriously, why do you have buttons on a collarless shirt?! It’s madness!)
There shall be no winter training camps outside of Jersey, especially in locations that make the King envious.
And while we’re on the subject of training, all subjects must train less than the King, please consult the Oracle of Strava to monitor the King’s progress, and ride half the amount the King does.
Pushing the King during races shall be encouraged, tickling the King is frowned upon.
Don’t talk about the how the King’s butt looks in Lycra, he’s very sensitive.
THOU SHALT NOT USE THE TERM "VACAY", IT’S "VACATION" DAMMIT, YOU’RE ONLY SAVING ONE SYLLABLE.
All racers wishing to participate in races in the Kingdom of Jersey must first bring unto the King their weight in dry sausage.
White stitching on shorts is an abomination and all shorts with white stitching shall be collected and burned will all due haste. Please be courteous to the cart operators as they come by to collect your shorts, as they really do have a thankless job.
Pleats on shorts are an affront to the Almighty and are never to be seen again, please help save a trip and toss your pleated shorts onto the shorts cart when they come through your neighborhood. Pleats on pants are begrudgingly allowed.
The King is in on the fence about aero helmets.
Failure to comply with these decrees shall result in the aforementioned banishment to the category of Four, internment in a spin class, forced participation in a triathlon, and in extreme cases, the acquisition and use of running shoes.
All subjects shall also begin use of the King’s racing scarf in these cold temperatures, because, after all, winter’s coming.
Roman’s Beer Corner
The King’s official beer purveyor has declared that this week’s selection is the Black Chocolate Stout from the Brooklyn Brewery. No one has come forward to claim their prize from last week’s contest, and this week’s entries were a disappointment to the King, so I hereby decree that this week’s contest will continue for another week, or until it pleases the King no more.
So did you train this week?
Dan hasn’t trained since he lost his PT. He just rides around in his car with the Garmin and posts to Strava
Dinggg!!!
BRING OUT YA DEEAAD!!
You forgot a proclamation about the word that shall not be named that starts with the letter E, my Liege.
Does this mean we have to let you win the sprint at the end of Park Ridge each Saturday?
The real question is, do you want to keep your head?
Just so good.
It’s like I made some space for you as Attorney General so I can run for Governor! Don’t forget: Panem et Circenses
Ps: Yes, I’ll bring you a Burger King crown to the first FBF race 14′- to glue to your helmet 🙂
May your reign be long and fair, Schmalz!
Winter is coming. You’ll be dead soon.
It was a timed one week contest. Roman owes someone beer.
And because he is a glutton for punishment, Roman has agreed to do another week’s contest, the challenge this time is to create a word story or poem about the virtues of cycling in 20 words or less, you can tell Roman came up with this concept as it contains the term “virtue” and not the terms “poop” or “digestion” as an entry concocted by someone else might.
This week’s beer choice is also the prize for this week’s contest, the Goose Island Bourbon County Brand Coffee Stout, which goes on sale on Black Friday. Roman will, of course be delivering a 2012 vintage from his private collection to the winner of this week’s contest, because apparently some people keep beer in their house without drinking it immediately.
Just dripping with irony.
This was hilarious.
Poem or not.
The time has come for somebody to put his foot down. And that foot is me. –Dean Wormer
to Organizing a Gran Fondo.