schmalz’s log week 16

Taking a stand against weather doping

We’ve come to the point in the year where winter madness begins to set in. Due to cold, snow and being a puss, I haven’t set a tire outdoors for the entire month of February. This situation is not good, as it deprives me of my precious Ride-a-lin™, which I rely upon to keep me from descending into the depths of winter despair and devouring absolutely everything contained in our home’s “cupboard of eternal temptation”—in hindsight, it probably wasn’t a great idea to install and name a cupboard with such a a suggestive title, but live and learn I say.

I, like many pretend bike racers, am a creature of habit, and when my normal habits get disrupted, I am left with no choice but to create new ones. If I can’t ride outside, I will courageously forge a new rut of athletic drudgery indoors. Granted, it’s desperate last resort, but that’s what I have done. I have taken to my Dan Cave like a yawning bear ready to hibernate the winter away. I have developed an disturbingly intimate relationship with my trainer. And this would be perfectly peachy if it were not for one thing.

Some of you have managed to escape from the clutches of winter and are right now, as we speak, riding bikes in places where the sun is not creating a blinding reflection from the piled snow and exposed skin doesn’t turn into a chilled meat-sicle. This obviously cannot stand, therefore I will now take it upon myself to create the rules that will govern such activities, because there’s a good chance that these “weather dopers” will come back and beat me in bike races.

Rule 1

Anyone caught escaping to a warmer climate for a training camp, will be disallowed from participating in any cold weather regional racing for a month per week spent away. For instance, if you to to a training camp for a week, upon return, you cannot race for a month. You also must consume a dozen Mallomars per day during this suspension. If Mallomars are not is season during this suspension, tablespoonfuls of Crisco can be substituted.

Rule 2

Any rider displaying unseasonable tan lines will be tested for travel, This testing may include an Expedia test or even a Facebook timeline selfie examination. Anyone photos taken of a racer in a “hot dog legs” pose whilst lounging poolside is an automatic disqualification, with additional months added for each tropical drink displayed.

Rule 3

There are no special dispensations for visiting family or friends that reside in warmer climates. Racers traveling with bikes will be considered to be on a training camp and punished accordingly.

Rule 4

The following will trigger automatic testing: naturally acquired, non-spray tans (spray tanning is permitted, please reference the bylaws’ “Jersey Exception” for specifics); contraband drink umbrellas; suspicious levels of mellowness; non-suicidal thoughts; floral prints; renewed vigor; and utterance of the word “vacay”.

Please familiarize yourself with these new rules, as ignorance of the rules is not an excuse.



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