schmalz’s log 2013 part 2

meat tubing

 It’s been a tumultuous week in the world of real bike racers, but in the world of pretend bike racers things have been thrillingly monotonous. I am digging myself a deep trough of athletic tedium, from which will spring the lilacs of my 2013 triumphs. This flower garden of awesome will take a lot of work, and like all good gardens—it will require healthy heaps of manure.

In other news, I like sausage. This should come as no surprise to those who know me or read what I type on the internet. I have never disguised my affection for ground meat (and other—sometimes mysterious—things) encased in casings. I have decided to combine my passions for both sausage and riding long distances with other people in tights, so it’s with great pleasure that I announce the inaugural 2012 Sausage Run. Which will be a ride around the metropolitan area in search of sausage. I have enlisted local New jersey abuse aficionado Brian Gatens to accompany me in my quest for sausage because he likes any activity that involves near pointless rides that never seem to end. On Saturday, November 3, we shall ride from Ridgewood, NJ to New York City and then north to the Bear Mountain bridge and then back south again. Somehow. The route is still open to input. But along the way we will be stopping for sausage. There will be only one stop in Manhattan for processed meats, and it will be morning meat. Right now the plan is to stalk the Waffles and Dinges truck because they sponsor the team Brian "races" on, other stop are to be determined, but we are open to suggestions. Feel free to join us at any point along the route. This is not a charity ride, no one will benefit from our activities. We are riding to eat sausage, and be sure to bring enough cash to buy your own meats, as I am not paying for anyone but myself.

I also enjoy anthropomorphic logos, so I have created an image of a sausage with arms.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Today I left early in the morning in order to beat the coming rain. I figured that I would be alone on the Saddle River Bike Path (SRBP), but alas, I wasn’t the only one attempting to beat the precipitation. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the Bergen Parks Department had paved a torn-up section of the SRBP. I was so happy I snapped a picture of the new asphalt. (The picture appears below, and my phone case automatically adds a nice "tilt shift" effect to my pictures, which I find enchanting.) This sort of bike path maintenance is one of the perks of living in an area with a pretty high one-percenter infestation rate. My net worth, of course, does’t put me anywhere near the top one percent, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take advantage of the sweet, sweet asphalt bought with their property taxes. Occupy SRBP!
Monday, October 8, 2012

I have ridden every day for the past seven days, and normally, I would take a day off (you know, like God did), but Saturday I only rode from 45 minutes in my basement, so I didn’t count that as a ride, because it was a short ride and it was mostly a miserable trudge. The result of this trudging was that I felt like a sponge full of circus water (the water that washes the elephants) as I began my ride today.
Whenever I begin a ride feeling un-fresh, I always try to tell myself that I will feel better as the ride progresses, but it wasn’t until the intervention of Age of Consent by New Order on Pandora that I felt better. (I ride with headphones, which is of course, very dangerous, but I simply cannot face the prospect of riding with nothing for company except the echoes in my own head. It’s an imperfect compromise, but there it is).
Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Today I rode with frequent riding partner Tim, I swear I did not try to kill him, honestly.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I rode 1:15 on trainer while watching the excellent 30 for 30 documentary on the 1988 Olympic 100 meters sprinters. Then I read a 202 page PDF that was 99 times more disappointing.
Thursday, October 11, 2012

A short ride on a familiar route, nothing special to see here, yet I post it anyway. Dear God, I am a blow hard.


Asshat Kornhole

I thought Gatens was going to “attempt” cyclocross this fall. What happened? Did his job get in the way again? Or was it being a great father? That guy is so selfish – Doesn’t he understand that he’s the best thing going for this “news site”?


Will Sausage and Thumbs become your new avatar, reminding you of terrible overweight scenarios where you actually fill that empty area of your cut-away saddle, or is it too tempting to be reminded how much you love sausage?


Now maybe the parks department can clean up the mountains of trashed along the river from Irene. Generally they do a very good job, but seriously, the park needs to be cleaner.

Ponce de la Yema

Wild boar sausage from D’Artagnan – get it at Fairway in Ridgewood. You can just smell the testosterone cooking off those ground up wild pig testicles. Legal doping.

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