Bicycle Races Are Coming Your Way

Oh god it’s everywhere

11/15/2008


On a whole, the north east cycling scene has had it pretty easy when it comes to inclement weather. hell, the first really rainy, horrible, muddy, wet, disgusting race of the season for me happened last week at beacon ‘cross. it was kind of a blessing.

Since I missed dressing up for a Halloween CX race this year, i decided to do it a week late and blame daylight savings! Tony, Kyle, and I drove to Beacon last week with my Mario suit expecting a total shit show, and I for one can say that I wasn’t disappointed. The Beacon race was one of the harder races of the season. Maybe it was a combination of the rain, mud, huge steps, and sand traps, but i was completely thrashed after that race. I practically needed a step ladder to get up those amphitheater steps! for some reason I’m guessing that the stairs in Ryan Trebon’s house are about that size. Good for him, not so good for Baldy McShorty over here…

My performance at HPCX the next day was a joke. my new goal in CX racing has gone from trying to place to trying to not let Andrew Crooks lap me…

I’m a big fan of technical clothing- spandex/roubaix/dryfit is awesome. Denim, while tough, is also a great fabric to wear in the rain… In oppositeland. The rain inundated my Mario overalls with so much water that i felt like a bloated pregnant woman. i was carrying at least 15 lbs of extra water weight, and was craving rocky road ice cream with pickles… The denim also stuck to my legs and made it quite hard to pedal. That being said- dressing up as Mario for a cross race when its not even Halloween is plain awesome.
Fast forward to this weekend- the USGP at Mercer. last year this was a pretty fun course, with a huge pit and a fly-over. the race was wide, sweeping, and fast. The weather was generally agreeable and it was a great time. This year it was a completely different race. it was like we were racing in Portland.

I’ve been saying all year that i wanted to race in horrifically muddy conditions, and I got what i asked for. The best way I can describe the last two days of racing is by using the term “Mud Bukkake.” I mean, it was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I mean, look at Jed- Someone get him a moist towelette or something…
photo by Anthony Skorochod

Day 1
photo by Anthony Skorochod
After a late start due to me getting rides from hungover people (cough, cough Slokar), we just barely made it in time. As we pulled up to the park, the C race had started. I noticed people running on flat sections. It was that muddy. People were completely covered in mud, and it was windy and rainy, but not that cold. I quickly slapped on my skinsuit and ran to staging. i got there just as they called my name- 3rd row, not to shabby! I looked around and saw the normal cast of characters that had made this season so fun. This was the calm before the slop-storm.
The whistle went off, and it was the usual mad dash for the start line. I had an ok position going into the hole shot. once we entered the course, the mud started right away. Last year the fly-over and the long sand pits were the challenging parts of the course. This year, they were the easiest parts. (note the “oh shit” face)
photo by Anthony Skorochod
Every other part of the course was inundated with mud. You had to plant your ass as far back as you could and just slog along.

I ended up DNFing thanks to ex-C field sandbagger Sam Fiorno… i crossed the line and the official indicated that i had 1 lap to go. Sam was just ahead of me. as we rode into the course again he said that they pulled him from the race and that we were done- I was as eager to do an extra lap as i was to get intimate with Star Jones, so I didn’t argue. Lo and behold, we both got DNF’ed. that’s too bad, because i was in contention for 40th place… This is serious, man!

The aftermath of the race was hilarious- we all looked as though we went spulunking in a septic tank. i had to hose my bike off twice just to get it clean.

I was so muddy from slopping through the mud like a pig that my chamois was covered in it when i peeled off my skinsuit (kind of like taking the skin off of a weisswurst).

And yes, I’m like 80% sure it was mud. shut up.
after cleaning off, we ran to a fantastic NJ Diner where i tried scrapple for the first time. The best way i can describe Scrapple is that it’s the Foie Gras of New Jersey. It somehow manages to be both delicious and horrific at the same time…

After our trashy, delicious feast, we made a beer stop and rushed back to the race. We had some ‘drinkin to do, people to heckle, and, oh yeah, Fliers to hand out for the Kick-ass CX race that’s happening on Nov 30th!
when the Elite men came on, we were 2 six packs into some Belgian-style Tripels. For some reason our buddy Phil bought a UCI license… He stepped it up and played with the big boys in one of the hardest races of the season. I think that warrants a beer hand-up…

Sure, Shaking the can of Bud for 5 minutes and then opening it in his face as he rode by may have been a bit douchey- but you know what? That Phil Riggio is a CHAMP. he grabs the can from me, pours the rest on his head, CRUSHES the can on his helmet, and rides away. That, my friends, is Pro as shit (.dk)
Day 2

I didnt think it was possible, but somehow day 2 was worse. it was 40 degrees with 30 mph winds, and there had been ANOTHER torrential downpour on sat night. The ground was even more inundated with mud. it was so bad that the race organizers cut the course in half because it was “unrideable.” What was considered “rideable” was pretty comical…
But first, I’d like to point out how important it is to properly embrocate before cold races. it’s an important ritual that ever CX’er should hold sacred. the rub-down of embro on one’s pale legs is essential to any decent CX experience. And if you’re Croatian like Tony, you probably like embrocating your eyeballs and gums.

By the way, This week’s Embrocation and Chamois cream was brought to you by SportsBalm (review to come).

As we waited in staging, 35 mph winds whipped around us and made the whole B field shiver. We knew what was to come. this was going to be miserable. why were we all still here? We could have just gone to brunch! But no- we were all standing there in spandex skinsuits, freezing and waiting for a whistle to blow so that we could bike and run through a giant pig pen wrapped in caution tape. Why?

The crux of this sport is suffering. Not just suffering due to self-imposed exertion, but rather suffering through pitting yourself to a tough environment as well as other people. You’re not just racing other people- you’re fighting your surroundings. Mud swallows your wheels and bogs down your bike. Barriers and run-ups block your way and make your life all the more difficult. But everyone in that field is pushing themselves as hard as they can- not just to try and best their peers, but to overcome the course itself. A good number of people didn’t finish on Sunday. But everyone who did finish pushed themselves to their limits, and I think that’s where the satisfaction lies in this sport. I think its easy to be complacent in a road race if one wants. It’s alot harder to do so in a ‘Cross race.

racing on Sunday at Mercer was akin to biking and running through a mile-long turd-covered slip’n’slide. Every part of this course was grueling and treacherous. it was slow and painful, and full of slop. It was the hardest ‘cross race i’ve ever done. It was also the most satisfying.

After Tony had had enough of racing throug the slop, he decided he’d have more fun by throwing beer at me and heckling me for losing to a triathlete…

I guess i really wanted a muddy sh*tshow for the very novelty of it. the after-shots of muddy races are fantastic, and it just adds to the difficulty and drama of ‘cross. that being said, slogging through mud makes a race exponentially harder. It’s completely saps your energy. you grind through slop at 3 miles per hour, pedaling at 35 rpm. A friend of mine who was watching yesterday said it was the slowest cross race he had ever seen. the mud was so thick on most of the flat sections that you had to run them.

As we drove back from a mud, beer, and scrapple filled weekend, I became a little sad that the cross season is nearly over. This year has been more fun than I’ve had yet, and it wasn’t just because of the racing: it was because of the friends that I’ve been racing with for the past two months. Everyone has been having fun and riding their bikes without pretense or elitism, but competing. I can only hope people carry over some of that attitude into the 2009 road season, because it’ll make it that much better.
By the way, for all you NYCX’ers- I’m organizing a CX practice on Wed, Nov 19 @ 530 AM- meet at the entrance to the park on 72nd and 5th. we’ll do a warm up lap and then do drills on the northwest side of the park near Harlem hill. You know you want to. Anyway- Balki will be there- how can you say no??

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